Frasier: For the record, I knew immediately it was not my car. Mine has a bumper sticker on it that says, "I am pro-opera and I vote"

James: That'll be $32.03.
Gertrude: For one drink?
James: Your grandson ordered a bunch of cakes, and he said it was all on you.
Jason: Thanks for the treats, Grandma!
Gertrude: Hey!

Daphne: Mum, we're off to the symphony.
Gertrude: Haven't the Germans punished us enough?

Bulldog: I got this friend down at the impound lot, who came across a smashed-up BMW, same make and model as Frasier's.
Roz: You didn't. You got Frasier.
Bulldog: I had his car towed from the garage, the wreck put in its place.
Kenny: The doc totally freaked when he saw it. First, he started swearing, and then he implored the heavens, and just when his lip started trembling, Bulldog comes out, tells him it's all a prank.
Bulldog: Hey, Bulldog observes the mercy rule. Besides, I got the whole thing on tape.

Frasier: Good afternoon, Seattle, and welcome to the Halloween edition of the Dr. Frasier Crane Show. Today we will be discussing the topic of fears. Are they irrational hindrances, or evolutionary tools? Hmm, the surprising answer, after these words. [plays tape]
Frasier: [on tape, wailing] My car! Oh, no, my car! What did they do to you? Oh, my bay-beee!
Bulldog: Whenever you're ready.

Frasier: Good morning, Roz. May I join you?
Roz: Sure, Frasier. Well, I'm glad to see you're not sulking today.
Frasier: Yes, well, I had a little time to think about it, and I've decided to put Bulldog's prank behind me.
Roz: That's very mature.
Frasier: I'm not finished! By visiting upon him a prank that is ten times more dastardly. Look at this.
Roz: Looks like a car with a balloon tied to it.
Frasier: Precisely. I will tie a red balloon to the antenna of Bulldog's car every time his precious Seahawks lose a game. Over time, the conditioned response will become ingrained in his psyche. Eventually, the mere sight of a red balloon will bring about in him an inexplicable sense of loss. Check-and-mate!

Frasier: Everyone, hold please. Zombie Number Two, what are you doing?
Zombie #2: I'm scaring Bulldog?
Frasier: I see. Is that what zombies do, they scare people?
Zombie #2: Um...
Frasier: Wrong. They eat brains, and that's what scares people. Now, look, this is our dress rehearsal, let's please try to get this right. Bulldog comes in, he hears noises, zombies go after his brain, and his terror is caught on videotape for us all to enjoy at a later date. Now, let's try this again. First marks, please.

Roz: Look, Frasier, it's not too late to back out of this. Face it, jokes just aren't your specialty.
Frasier: What is that supposed to mean?
Martin: Well, what she means, son, is that we all have our different blessings. And Bulldog's good at jokes and fun, and you're good at... reading, and, uh... telling people about the things you read.

Gertrude: Where have you been?
Courier: I'm sorry, I had a hard time finding this place. I checked the directory for "Crane," but it had "Old Bat" next to this apartment number.
Gertrude: [to herself] A little obvious, but not bad.
Gertrude: I want you to deliver this "Baby-I-Have-To-Tinkle" doll to Jason White, Floyd Middle School. This is the address. I mean, he should be in gym class about now.
Courier: I don't think I'm allowed to just walk into his school, ma'am.
Gertrude: No, it's okay. I'm his grandmother. And you have to say this.
Courier: "Your mommy said, bring this to you at school to lift your spirits. See? Your dolly has accidents, too." You really want me to say that?
Gertrude: Yes, and very loudly. The poor thing's hard-of-hearing.

Frasier: Maybe I don't want you here.
Roz: What do you mean?
Frasier: You abandon me in my hour of need, now you're here to revel in my success, just like in Boswell's "Life of Johnson."
Martin: What?
Frasier: It was something I read.