Ray: All right, look, Dad. We think you should know that Ally was kind of upset about what happened with the guy at the market.
Frank: Okay. Turn the TV back on.
Marie: Wait a second. What happened?
Frank: Aw, the jackass fruit guy accused me of stealing.
Marie: Frank, please! They're homosexuals.

Jimmy: Excuse me. No free sampling.
Frank: I'm not sampling. I've had this before.
Jimmy: Yeah, right. Well, it's not a snack bar.
Frank: Relax, pal, I just took a little.
Jimmy: Yeah, well, if everybody steals a little, the store goes a little bit out of business.
Frank: What, are you calling me a thief?
Jimmy: Only 'cause you're taking something without paying for it.
Frank: How much did I take, a nickel's worth? Here. Here's a quarter. Keep the change.
Jimmy: Don't throw money at me.
Frank: Oh, yeah? What are you gonna do?
Ray: Let's go, Dad. Sorry, I'm real sorry.
Frank: Hey, don't apologize for me. He's the one blowing a gasket over a handful of birdseed.
Jimmy: It's called stealing, cue ball!
Frank: I got hair, porky! Hey, don't turn your back on me, I'm standing right here.

Debra: Well, somebody needs to straighten him out.
Marie: No, leave him. He'll watch television, then I'll take him home, make some cannelloni, he'll burp, and he'll feel better.
Debra: You're an enabler. You're actually rewarding his horrible behavior with Italian food.
Robert: That's exactly how the mafia works.

Debra: So Ally saw your father steal food and then watched him make a big scene in public.
Robert: Ah, her first time. The rite of passage. I remember mine the New York State Thruway, Dad throwing pennies at the toll collector.
Ray: Yeah. This time he threw a quarter.
Robert: Inflation.

Debra: Frank, have you ever heard the saying, "It takes a village to raise a child"? I believe that. And I believe that you're a part of our village. We're just trying to teach them proper values.
Frank: Listen, I don't know what the hell village you're talking about... But I live in Real World, USA. So you can spare me your lecture.
Debra: All right, you listen to me!
Marie: Come with me for a minute.
Debra: Well, something has to be done! He's a public menace!
Marie: I know, I know.
Debra: I think our village found its idiot.

Debra: Why didn't you let me kill him?
Marie: Well, that would be very nice, dear. But the truth is, this all could've been avoided if Raymond had handled him better in the supermarket.
Ray: What?! He was an animal!
Marie: Yes. And you let him off his leash. If you take a dog to a supermarket, and he has an accident in the frozen food aisle, is it the dog's fault?
Ray: Did Dad ever do that?
Marie: I'm saying, you know how your father is. And there are ways to prevent this kind of scene. First of all, I try to be with him if he's ever going to be anywhere there might be people.
Debra: But Ray was with him. What was he supposed to do?
Marie: Before you even got to the snack section, you should've had a Hershey bar or a Zagnut here in your pocket.
Robert: That's true. He responds to treats.
Marie: Do you know why this kind of thing doesn't happen when I'm around? Because I compensate. He's horrible, and I have a certain... [smiles]
Debra: Oh, that's great, Marie. So you want to be with him all the time, then?
Marie: Uh, no.

Robert: So you're telling me that Grandpa sat right here with you and had a conversation?
Ally: Yes.
Robert: For how long?
Ally: I don't know.
Robert: Well, no, was it, like, five minutes? Ten?
Ally: I don't know. Ten, I guess.
Robert: Ten minutes. And it wasn't about food?
Ally: No, not really.
Robert: You had a ten minute conversation with him. What was that like?
Ally: It was okay, I guess.
Robert: And you weren't scared?
Marie: [comes out] Robbie! You said you were gonna move my trash cans for me and you didn't do it. Now the garbage men are here and the garbage is sitting in the back. I'm just gonna have to do it myself like everything else! [goes back inside]
Robert: Now, that one scares the crap out of me.

Debra: Ray, what happened with your Dad today at the supermarket?
Ray: What do you mean?
Debra: Ally's pretty upset. She said he was screaming and calling a man names.
Ray: It was nothing. The produce guy accused him of stealing.
Robert: Was he stealing?
Ray: He was sampling the trail mix.
Robert: You're not allowed to sample the trail mix.
Ray: Hence the hullabaloo.

Debra: Frank, is this really the way you want to behave in front of your granddaughter?
Marie: You know, Debra, far be it from me to ever take his side, but I do think it's horrible what's happened to that store. They used to give you samples all the time. And they also used to help you take your bags to the car.
Frank: Now I have to take you to the car myself.
Marie: I was on your side.

Debra: Frank, stealing is only a part of this. Why did you have to lose your temper and then yell at the guy?
Frank: He was yelling at me!
Debra: But there's other ways to handle the situation.
Frank: Hey, you weren't there! The guy had it coming!
Robert: But not with your granddaughter watching. It could affect her. I still twitch at tollbooths.
Frank: You know what? I'm glad Ally saw that. She's gotta learn you can't take crap from people!