Diane: Sam, I know you to be a man of pride and principle, but strength is also to be found in the ability to bend. Witness the willow, nature's strongest tree.
Sam: No, I thought the oak was the strongest tree.
Diane: Only in furniture.
Sam: What about the saying "strong as the mighty oak"?
Diane: The oak can be felled by a single harsh wind under the right circumstances.
Sam: All right, but what about birch and mahogany? Now, those--
Diane: Would you shut up about the damn trees?
Sam: You brought them up.

Woody: What is this Hungry Heifer place you guys keep talking about?
Sam: Oh, it's this terrible restaurant where Norm insists on torturing himself.
Norm: Hey, you're always giving the Hungry Heifer a bad rap. I don't get it. So I've had a few bad meals there. But it's the best value in town. Woody, their steaks come by the pound.
Norm: Wow, the steaks are that big?
Carla: No, that's where they get them.
Woody: I'll have to try it sometime.
Norm: Yeah, I recommend Thursday night. That's when the chef does his tribute to swine.

Diane: I thought it would he better to conduct our business in private. What's taking you so long?
Sam: Well, I was just thinking.
Diane: Say no more.

Diane: Sam? Is now a bad time?
Sam: No, but I think it's about to be.
Diane: You goose. Sam, would you say that our relationship has matured?
Sam: If you mean getting kind of old, yeah.
Diane: Well, you're a regular Noel Coward with a liquor license.
Sam: I don't-- I don't get it.
Diane: I'm painfully aware of that.

Norm: All right, I'm ready for a beer, Sam.
Woody: Hey, what's Mr. Clavin doing?
Norm: Well, you're not gonna believe this, but he's trying to get into the record book for walking backwards.
Cliff: [enters the bar backwards] Everybody, afternoon good. That's-- That's "good afternoon, everybody" backwards.
Carla: And you're an "assjack."
Sam: How close are you to the record, Cliff?
Cliff: Well, in two days, seventeen hours and thirty-three minutes, I'll be backing myself into the history books. Thank you, Sammy. Eh, I think I'll just take a quick reverse strut around the old pool table, pick up some women backwards.
Norm: All right, I know you guys think that Cliff is pretty weird, but I'll say this much for him, he'll probably never reproduce.

Norm: Afternoon, everybody.
All: Norm!
Diane: Norman.
Sam: What's the good word, Norm?
Norm: Plop, plop, fizz, fizz.
Sam: Oh, no, not the Hungry Heifer.
Norm: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sam: One heartburn cocktail coming up.

Cliff: Ah, Norm, we had the bathroom-stuffing championship in our grasp and blew it.
Woody: Oh, gee, I see how I miscounted. Boy, I had myself down here twice. See, "Woody" and "me."
Norm: Here's to noble failure, huh?
Cliff: Norm, I can't drink to that. There's nothing noble about failure.
Carla: If there was, you'd be a duke.

Diane: Yes, I have to come up with $500 as quickly as possible.
Carla: What for? Hush money for Miss Clairol?
Diane: No. But I love the new thing that you've done with your hair, and I think you should continue washing it.
Cliff: [laughs] "Continue." [off Carla's look] That was totally uncalled for.

Carla: Why don't you ask that rich old lady of yours, huh? She's got more money than me and God put together.
Diane: No, I can't ask Mummy. I'd rather die.
Carla: I like that even better.
Diane: I told her long ago I was going to prove my own worth. I refuse to go to her begging now.
Cliff: Ah, come on, Diane, she's your ma. She carried you for nine months.
Diane: Eight. I was premature.
Carla: Couldn't wait to get out and start yapping.

Diane: Oh, you'll see it again. Diane Chambers always honors her debts.
Sam: Hey, I could care less. Really. You walk out that door, I'm not even gonna think about that money anymore.
Diane: You'll see it again.
Sam: All right.
Diane: Thank you, Sam.
Sam: Yeah.
Diane: You handled this even better than I expected. But even so, it was hard to come in here and ask for this, given our past physical relationship.
Sam: Yeah, it kind of feels like you should be giving me the money, doesn't it?