Sam: Hey, come on. It's only a quarter.
Norm: Only a quarter? That's easy for you to say. Maybe this will change your tune.
Coach: Sam, watch it. He's going for his gun.
Norm: It's my calculator, Coach. I'm going to have to figure out how much I can drink and still stay within my suds allowance. Hmm.
Sam: What have you got?
Norm: I'm going to have to cut back 8.7%. Comes out to one beer every half hour. I'm going to have to drink a little more slowly. [Norm downs a beer] Slowing down isn't so bad.

Norm: [enters] Afternoon, everybody.
All: Norm!
Diane: Norman.
Coach: How's life, Norm?
Norm: Ask a man who's got one. [Coach serves him a beer] Ah, here's mine now.

Carla: The only thing I'm scared of is if I go to bed with him he's gonna be so crazed with desire I'll never get rid of him.
Sam: Ah, Carla, that's not what you're afraid of. You're afraid that you're going to fall for this guy.
Carla: No, I'm not going to fall for this guy. I've already fallen for this guy.
Sam: Ah-ha. And now you're afraid he's going to turn into a jerk?
Carla: No, smart guy. He's already a jerk.
Sam: Why's he a jerk?
Carla: Because he's dishonest.
Sam: Why is he dishonest?
Carla: Because he's hiding the fact that he's a jerk.

Norm: Coach, give me a beer.
Cliff: Uh, Norm, you're getting a bit ahead of your one-beer-a-half-hour schedule, aren't you?
Norm: No, no, Cliff. I'm on London time. God save the Queen.

Diane: His name is Henry. He's interested in you.
Carla: So what?
Diane: Well, I think you should go over and talk to him.
Carla: Well, I don't.
Diane: Why?
Carla: Because if he's interested in me, there's something wrong with him.
Diane: Carla, I assure you he's perfectly charming. I think he's kind of attractive, too. Don't you?
Carla: Yeah, as cue balls go, he's a looker.
Carla: Don't ask me why, but for some reason, any guy who I'm interested in, or who's interested in me, always turns out to have something very seriously wrong with them.
Diane: Carla, I can see that, but you have to stop feeling you're undesirable.
Carla: Are you kidding? I'm too desirable. I'm a vermin magnet.

Diane: Come on, Carla. This guy's not like that. He's attractive, charming, intelligent, well-dressed, and opposites attract, so go for him.

Carla: Come on, we're going for a cup of coffee on you.
Hank: Fine.
Carla: Sam, I'm taking a break.
Sam: Fine.
Carla: [to Hank] You got a criminal record?
Hank: No.
Carla: Any mental illness in the family?
Hank: No.
Carla: Any artificial body parts?
Hank: No.
Carla: Okay, open your mouth.

Cliff: Well, come on, Sam, you've got to admit it. Carla and Hank have been an item ever since they went out to dinner.
Norm: Oh, I hate to see that.
Cliff: You think Carla's making a mistake there, Norm?
Norm: No. I just had my last beer of the 20th Century.

Norm: Hey, Hank, you know, when I'm really kind of depressed, I usually like to buy a beer for a friend who's, you know, a little behind on his beer budget.
Hank: Well, I'm not really feeling all that depressed.
Norm: You're not? I mean, you fall really hard for this girl, you think you've got her where you want her. And then all of a sudden, she cuts you off at the kneecaps in front of a room full-
Hank: Set them up.
Norm: Thank you. This'll help.

Carla: Diane, give me the keys to your place.
Diane: I will not.
Carla: Oh, you're the matchmaker. You want this thing to work out or do you want it to end up with a broken heart? And a broken lip?
Diane: Enjoy. And, Carla, when you're done, just burn the place.