Dick: Hello, Mary. I brought you some crackers. They're sealed, so I think they're safe.
Mary: Thanks.
Dick: I'm just so glad you're not... dead.
Mary: That would be ironic, wouldn't it?
Dick: Mary, I haven't been completely honest with you. Something's happened. Two people have been murdered.
Mary: Oh, no.
Dick: You don't sound very concerned, I said two people murdered.
Mary: Two people? And I've been up here, sick.
Dick: So you have.
Mary: It's been awful.
Dick: You have been up here the whole time, right?
Mary: When you have food poisoning, you can't move. Everybody knows that.
Dick: Yes, everybody knows that.

Sally: Oh, god, Don, thank god you're here.
Don: What's wrong?
Tommy: Unspeakable things have been happening in this house, Don.
Don: Well, I'm sure it's nothing this police officer hasn't seen before, son.
Sally: This old guy in a wheelchair got a knife stuck in his back, and he croaked right in front of us.
Don: I've never seen that before.
Tommy: And then, somebody put poison in this safari guy's drink, and he just fell dead, right out of his chair. And he was, like [screams].
Don: Two guys were killed? I'd better get backup. You hang tight.
Sally: No, no, no. Don't let anybody see you, baby. They could kill you, too.
Don: Aw, jeez. [screams]

Sally: Come on, Tommy. You can get through this. We've been through tougher things than this before.
Tommy: You're right. We have. Damn right, we have
Sally: Yeah!
Tommy: Okay! [gunshot] [both scream]
Don: Hey, I'm sorry, I thought that the trigger was the safety.

Dick: Mary? I- I never really believed that you were the murderer, especially once I found out that everybody here was an actor, that's when it really hit me.
[Don and a team of armed police officers barge in bullet proof vests and with riot shields]
Don: Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut! Freeze! Everybody down on the floor! Down on the floor! You! Show me the bodies! Now! Go, go, go, go, go!
Sally: Don! Don! Hon.
Don: Is this one of those murder mystery things?
Dick: Well, yeah.
Don: Rico, hold the gas! [gas bomb explodes] Aah! The gas!

Mary: Nina, what are you doing this weekend?
Nina: I don't know, I may have plans. Why?
Mary: Well, I have tickets to the Cherrywood Manor Mystery Weekend. You know, it's one of those interactive theatrical experiences.
Nina: Yes, I have plans.
Mary: Oh, come on, Nina. It'll be fun. It's like a party. The guests mingle with the actors while sipping Merlot and eating hors d'oeuvres, and then a murder is staged, and we amateur sleuths have to try and solve it.
Nina: I'll go... if you can guarantee I'll be the first one murdered.

Dick: So, Colonel Pinkham, would you regale us with another story of man against beast?
Colonel Pinkham: Oh, well, I once shot an elephant in my pajamas.
Dick: Ooh. Really?
Colonel Pinkham: Mmm. How he got in my pajamas, I'll never know. [laughs]
Dick: Did you leave your tent open?

Sally: I don't get it. For free, murder is a horrible tragedy, but you charge 100 bucks and suddenly, it's a sophisticated night out.
Tommy: But it's inappropriate for kids.
Dick: This world does need more entertainment that's acceptable for children.
Harry: Something where people are nice to each other. Something where people can just love one another.
Tommy: They have that. It's called pornography.
Dick: Then that's what kids should watch.

Dick: The Cherrywood Mystery Weekend?
Mary: You know, it's- It's one of those old fashioned whodunits with food and wine?
Dick: Oh, one of those.
Mary: Would your family like to come? I hear they put on a great show.
Dick: There's a show? We all love a good show.
Mary: So you'll come?
Dick: Well, I don't know. Everybody's sort of busy. I mean, if you had told us earlier, or if it were free...
Mary: It's my treat.
Dick: All right, we're in!

Harry: So, uh, how long before the show, Dick?
Dick: Oh, I hope it's not for a while. I'm meeting the most fascinating people, Harry.
Tommy: Dick, what kind of a weird-ass party is this? Everyone I talk to, they want to tell me their whole life story. And then, they want to tell me secrets about the other guests.
Sally: Yeah, yeah, and that guy, Chip Caswell, he keeps telling me about how much he hates this old dude with the young wife, and you know what? He wears makeup.
Dick: You know what your problem is? For the first time, you find yourselves in a civilized social situation where you have to match wits with intellectuals and bon vivants, and you crumble. I, on the other hand, flourish. Another drink, Colonel?
Colonel Pinkham: Don't mind if I do. [laughs] [Dick imitates laugh]

Dick: Mary, you haven't touched your twice-baked cheddar chive potato. Can I have it?
Mary: I- I'm not feeling too well.
Dick: Oh, you should talk to my friend here, Jack Wallencott. He tells me he's in excruciating pain, Mary, but he's not going to give in until he gets that damned will of his sorted out, right, Wallencott?
Jack Wallencott: Right. I only hope nothing happens to me before I do. [coughs]
Mary: I feel queasy and bloated, and I'm all sweaty. I've gotta go lie down, excuse me.
Dick: Yeah, well, uh, hurry back.