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‘Two Turkeys’ Quotes

Brooklyn Nine-Nine: Two Turkeys

507. Two Turkeys

Aired November 21, 2017

Jake and Amy attempt to get their parents to bond over Thanksgiving dinner, but their first holiday together as a family does not go well. Meanwhile, at the precinct, Holt and Kevin's special Thanksgiving pie is stolen from his office and Holt searches through the ranks for the possible culprit.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Thank you, all, for joining me. I checked into your alibis. Or should I say alib-lies!


Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Why didn't you just tell me the truth?
Kevin: [sighs] Because I love our annual trips to Saratoga Springs. The two of us driving in silence, looking at the barren trees. It's perfect. I I didn't wanna lose that.

Quote from Hitchcock

Captain Holt: I saw what you did this morning when you deduced the contents of my bakery box. Impressive. Now I need to use your skills to find my pie.
Hitchcock: It's about time you came to us.
Scully: Here's what we need from you. A list of the pie's ingredients.
Hitchcock: We're looking for anything that might linger on someone's breath.
Scully: We need surveillance footage from the water fountain. The crumb consistency was dry. Whoever ate it's gonna be thirsty.
Hitchcock: Now, what kind of crimped edge are we dealing with here? U-shaped or V?
Captain Holt: I don't know.
Hitchcock: Well, then get on the damned phone and find out.

Quote from Jake

Roger Peralta: The Santiagos are here. Feliz Thanksgiving. How was the trip in? The flight must have been awful.
Jake: Hey, Dad?
Roger Peralta: This holiday is the worst.
Jake: Could we just press pause on that and maybe get some pants?
Roger Peralta: Fine. I'll put on some pants.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: I was at the gym. Ava's birthday/Thanksgiving dinner's a high-caloric affair. Terry needs to earn that feast.

Quote from Jake

Amy: Babe, our parents are vibing hard.
Jake: Drinking just makes people get along better. Do you think if I got my parents drunk every day when I was a kid they would have stayed together and we would have had a happy family?
Amy: Probably.
Jake: Right.

Quote from Jake

Jake: All right, you know what? Let's just go back in there and enjoy our joyous Thanksgiving and hopefully no one's parents will ruin it.
Amy: Fine. Well, I know that my parents aren't gonna ruin any joyousness. In fact, they're gonna be joyous as hell.
Jake: Not nearly as joyous as my parents.

Quote from Jake

Camila Santiago: We have two turkeys. You can both carve one.
Jake: Yes, thank goodness for the second turkey, a very normal thing to have brought.

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