Adrian Pimento: Okay, here are the ground rules: You can punch me, kick me, pull my hair, I am a-ok being stabbed, biting and scratching are on the table, you can use fire.
Jake: These are the ground rules? Is there anything off limits?
Adrian Pimento: Damn, man. You got something really sick you wanna do, huh? Oh, you little pervert. All right, I like it. Don't tell me. Surprise me. Ooh, this is gonna be fun.

Captain Holt: I wish he would turn the radio down.
Jake: You think that's the radio? That sounds like professional music to you?
Captain Holt: All music after Mahler sounds exactly like that.

Jake: Well, cyber looked into the threats, and they traced a number of negative comments back to another internet celebrity, Marvin Lennox.
Gina: Marvin Lennox. Yeah, I'm not worried about him. He's an inspirational baker.
Sergeant Jeffords: Inspirational baker? What the hell is that?
Marvin Lennox: [video] A man is like a quiche, and a quiche is only as strong as its crust. What's your crust?
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, that's exactly what it sounds like.
Gina: Yeah, he's not a threat. He lives in Utah, and again, just to remind you inspirational baker.

Captain Holt: Huh. Meat from the street. Sounds like a fun treat. Hah. I'm a poet and ... I didn't even know I was rhyming those words. But it happened anyway.

Rosa: By the way, I'm sorry that I didn't win you that stroller.
Amy: No, no, no, you were right. I don't need a Snoog. It's way too fancy. It is stupid.
Rosa: It's not stupid. I said you didn't need it because I already bought you a stroller for your shower this weekend, and it's just... isn't as fancy, and I felt bad.
Amy: Rosa, I would love any stroller you got me because it came from you.
Rosa: It's a Luftroller.
Amy: [pause] Oh, that is... That is a great stroller.
Rosa: I got you a gift receipt.
Amy: Thank you so much.

Jake: I know what's happening. I'm finally hydrated, and it's unlocking my brain's full potential. It's too much for me. I'm "Limitless" -ing.
Gina: I don't think water makes you jittery.
Rosa: It does if it's laced with caffeine.
Jake: You dosed my water?
Rosa: You just drank 960 cups of coffee.
Jake: Oh, that esprains why I no talk butter. [gasps] Me having stirk?
Rosa: [laughs] Good luck solving that case.
[Jake takes another drink]
Gina: [gasps] Why would you drink more?
Jake: My brain wants its fast juice.

Jake: I'm back and I'm ready for a case, so what do you got? A murder? A sui? A murder-sui? They often follow one another. Ooh, maybe you've got an avunculicide up in there?
Captain Holt: The murder of an uncle. I'm surprised you know what that word means.
Jake: I learned about a lot of new crimes in prison. Those people real bad.

Jake: Hey, I've been tailing Pimento, and I think you were right. There's something weird going on with that guy.
Rosa: I knew it. Ugh! I can't believe I'm gonna sleep with him.
Jake: Well, you don't have to.
Rosa: No, I'm gonna.

Jake: Look, I'm ready. I'm the same old Jake.
Captain Holt: I don't know why you have an issue with this. Rosa was happy to comply.
Jake: So, what, now I'm just supposed to do anything that Rosa does? I mean, what if she jumped off a cliff?
Captain Holt: If Rosa were to jump off a cliff, she would've done her due diligence regarding the height of the cliff, the depth of the water, and the angle of entry, so yes. If you see Rosa jump off a cliff, by all means, jump off a cliff.
Jake: You jump off a cliff.
Captain Holt: Gladly. Provided Rosa did first.

Rosa: Look this is a hard fight. But it's an important one. It's good that you convinced her to press charges.
Amy: But she lost the money, and she had to quit the job she loves. That's exactly what you said would happen.
Rosa: But you got the guy who assaulted her. And look over there.
Amy: Keri's coworker?
Rosa: She came forward to report an assault because she was inspired by Keri, which is exactly what you said would happen. Two steps forward, one step back is still one step forward. You wanna take her statement together?
Amy: You know it, sister.
Rosa: Yeah, don't do that.
Amy: We can be different and still have the same cause.

Captain Holt: Why did you stop me? I was making progress.
Charles: I know, sir. But I have to say something. I love the Nine-Nine. And the main reason why is you.
Captain Holt: Not Jake?
Charles: Yes, clearly, it's mostly Jake. But it's also you and the standard that you've set for us with your unwavering morals. I'd rather we split up than stay together and compromise who we are.
Captain Holt: Well, thank you, Boyle. You're right. No matter what happens, we'll feel better knowing we didn't resort to blackmail.
Charles: I agree. From now on, the only black male I want anything to do with is you.
Captain Holt: That was incredibly inappropriate.
Charles: I know, but I had thought of it and I was so proud, I just had to say it out loud.
Captain Holt: Let's just go.
Charles: Great.

Rosa: Come on, sir, the math thing isn't the problem. Night shift's keeping you and Kevin apart. You two just need to bone.
Amy: [chuckles nervously]
Captain Holt: What did you say?
Amy: Don't say it again.
Rosa: I said you two need to bone.
Amy: [whimpers]
Captain Holt: How dare you, Detective Diaz. I am your superior officer! [shouting, five minutes later] Bone! [sternly, ten minutes later] What happens in my bedroom, Detective, is none of your business. [shouting, twenty-one minutes later] Bone?! [calmly, forty minutes later] Don't ever speak to me like that again.

Hitchcock: Last night, Scully said he was sick, so I went by myself. Guess who was there, healthy as a clam? Mr. Liar and his new tart Cindy Shatz. What happened to our bro code? Badge before va-
Sergeant Jeffords: Hitchcock, no.

Gina: I did a little sleuthing on your rivals. You want me to spill the beans?
Captain Holt: Why would you ever intentionally spill beans? They're one of nature's most densely packed protein sources, and they remain unsullied by flavor.

Jake: We have a few more questions for you, doctor.
Captain Holt: Doctor. Huh. It's funny when people call dentists "doctor".
Philip Davidson: We are doctors. We do four years of medical school.
Captain Holt: Yeah, but it's called "dental school".
Philip Davidson: But we learn about the entire body.
Captain Holt: But if you had cancer, you wouldn't call a dentist.
Philip Davidson: You know it's actually harder to get into dental school than medical school.
Captain Holt: Well, because there are fewer dental schools. Because most people want to become actual doctors.
Philip Davidson: That's ridiculous. It's not like we're college professors calling ourselves "doctors".
Captain Holt: Not the same thing, my friend.
Philip Davidson: Well, sure it is. When someone has a heart attack on a plane, do they yell out, "Yo, does anybody here have an Art History PhD?"
Captain Holt: A PhD is a doctorate. It's literally describing a doctor.
Jake: Maybe let's refocus.
Captain Holt: No! The problem here is that medical practitioners have co-opted the word "doctor".
Jake: Okay, Captain-
Captain Holt: I know we live in a world where anything can mean anything, and nobody even cares about etymolo-
[cut to outside, Holt downing a glass of water]
Captain Holt: Apparently that's a trigger for me.
Jake: Yeah, apparently.