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17Quotes from ‘The Mattress’

Brooklyn Nine-Nine: The Mattress

307. The Mattress

Aired November 15, 2015

Jake and Amy convince the Captain to let them work a case together involving a new street drug, but their new relationship gets in the way. Meanwhile, at the precinct, Charles panics when he realizes he's damaged one of Holt's prized possessions and Terry teaches Rosa a lesson in discipline.

Quote from Jake

Amy: He said he'll point him out to us.
So you approach on foot from the south, and me and Devon will be in an unmarked car here.
Jake: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. "Me and Devon"? Didn't you mean "Devon and I"?
Amy: Oh, God.
Jake: I corrected your grammar! Are you so proud of me? Are you horrified? Are you super horny?

Quote from Amy

Jake: But I know you'll be excited, because I busted Devon here with four vials of this, which is a new drug called-
Amy: Taxi! You actually found some?
Jake: Yup. Your CI was right.
It's popping up on the corners.
Amy: Man, my snitches are the best. The key is to always send them handwritten thank-you notes.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Actually, sir, I think we were kind of hoping we could work the case together.
Captain Holt: Oh, are you two no longer-
Jake: Smooshing booties?
Captain Holt: Yes, that's exactly how I was gonna finish my sentence.
Jake: Figured.

Quote from Gina

Charles: Gina. Gina. Gina, I screwed up, big time.
Gina: Charles, given your daily life experiences, you're gonna have to be more specific.

Quote from Amy

Captain Holt: I want you two to go undercover as a couple to stake out the room.
You should be very convincing, given that you're currently what was it? "Smooshing booties."
Jake: Great, and thank you for saying it that way. It made us both feel very comfortable.
Amy: Sure did.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Rosa: See, Sarge? Tough love works.
Sergeant Jeffords: Damn it! Terry proved the wrong point.

Quote from Gina

Captain Holt: You don't owe me anything. It was my fault, and I behaved poorly, as Gina made abundantly clear.
Gina: Oh, speaking of, you still owe me $14 for that cupcake.

Quote from Jake

Charles: Hey, guys. I just discovered a new drug too. It's called "your relationship," and I'm high on it.
Jake: Charles, I'm gonna need you to back off, man.
Charles: Roger that.
Jake: Yeah.

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: All right, I'll take one. Now, go sell your candy to everyone else, stupid.
Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, hey, hey. You can't call a kid stupid. What if he's really stupid?
Rosa: Terry, this is Sam, my little brother from Brooklyn's Big Brothers.
Sam: I think it's funny when she calls me stupid.
Rosa: No one cares, stupid.

Quote from Jake

Amy: I think it's cute.
You're like an idealistic grad student.
Jake: Ah, you like that? You want me to tell you about the time that I backpacked through the Netherlands?
Amy: Ooh, did you fold all your stuff up really small to fit into one carry-on?
Jake: Is that what you want me to have done?

Quote from Hitchcock

Hitchcock: Oh, if you want calm, there's some ludes in evidence, if anybody would ever let me get them out.

Quote from Rosa

Sergeant Jeffords: It feels like you're being a little harsh.
Rosa: Thanks, good note. I was going for extremely harsh. I'll turn it up.

Quote from Charles

Gina: Yes, you should do that, or you could just tell him what happened. I mean, he parked in two spots. It's kind of his fault. Just have some B-bone, Boyle.
Charles: You know that's my smallest bone.

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: That's a code.
Captain Holt: A code? Exciting. I'll go get my pencil case.

Quote from Gina

Gina: What did you do to my cupcake?
Captain Holt: This is yours? Why on Earth is your cupcake on my chair?
Gina: Because it's very special to me, so I can put it wherever I want. This is your fault. Now you have to buy me a new cupcake.
Captain Holt: This is outrageous.
You expect me to avoid -oh, I see.
Gina: Mm-hmm. Yeah, you do.
The cupcake was Gertie.
Captain Holt: Yes.
Gina: Your butt was Charles's car.
Captain Holt: Yes.
Gina: The chair was the parking space.
Captain Holt: Yes, I get it.
Gina: Your office was the garage.
Captain Holt: Yes, I'm telling you I understand the lesson.
Gina: And I was the brilliant Gina Linetti in both scenarios.

Quote from Captain Holt

Amy: Our only close call was when Jake didn't know who Will Shortz was.
Captain Holt: Really? Never heard of the Puzzlemaster?
This is who you want to be with? I shouldn't get involved.
Good luck with the case.

Quote from Amy

Jake: So I marked all the corners where taxi has been spotted on this map.
You'll probably notice right away that it makes the shape of a boob.
Amy: This looks great. Confirms Devon's story. He says his dealer hangs out here, in the underboob.


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