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28Quotes from ‘The Funeral’

Brooklyn Nine-Nine: The Funeral

302. The Funeral

Aired October 4, 2015

Jake and Amy's relationship is put at risk when Jake gets off on the wrong foot with their latest captain, the Vulture. Meanwhile, Sergeant Jeffords helps Captain Holt with the funeral of Seth Dozerman, and Rosa and Gina help Charles when he finds himself in a casual relationship.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: And now for a message of hope.
Jake: Ah, a message of hope, right on time.
Captain Holt: Everything is garbage.
Jake: Oh, no.
Captain Holt: You find something you care about, and it's taken from you your colleague, your dream job, your mango yogurt.
Sergeant Jeffords: Whoo!
Captain Holt: Never love anything. That's the lesson. To Captain Dozerman.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: Move over, Peralta! Move over! Okay. And if I may do a third toast, it'll be focused primarily on the mango yogurt.
*Audience groans*
Don't boo me! I lost something important too, shoot!

Quote from Amy

Jake: We can deal with this. We just need a new plan.
Amy: I got it. We lie, tell him we broke up, then date in secret.
Jake: Great! And you'd be okay lying to your captain?
Amy: Okay, new plan.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: Okay guys, I know Captain Dozerman was a nightmare and that none of us liked him, but I'm gonna need all of you to pretend like you're sad.
Everyone make a sad face.
Scully, you are nailing it!
Scully: My wife just texted. She's leaving me.
Sergeant Jeffords: Good. Use it.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: I've been asked to deliver a toast here after the funeral, a message of hope. This is what I have so far. "Pain!"
That's it.

Quote from Jake

Jake: If I might offer a counter-toast of sorts. Captain Dozerman and I, we weren't together for very long. In fact, as coworkers, our relationship was only six days. But that's not nothing. It was long enough for me to know that we had something special. And sure, there may be obstacles.
Him having passed away, for example. But I'm not giving up on us. And I don't care if I get demoted.
I just care about being with you Captain Dozerman, an adult man who has passed into the nether world.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: Now, be respectful and grieve your asses off.
Scully: I don't know why this is happening.
Sergeant Jeffords: Scully, I love it. Everyone follow his lead!

Quote from Amy

Amy: He heard that I speak Spanish, and he made me fire his housekeeper. She was Polish.

Quote from Gina

Sergeant Jeffords: Now, anyone seen Captain Holt? He seemed a little down when he came in.
Gina: Yeah, he let me choose the music on the way over here, which leads me to believe he's given up on life.

Quote from Jake

Jake: God, he is the worst captain we've ever had. He drew boobies on my bullet-proof vest.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Once again, Scully's butt is the downfall of this precinct.

Quote from Jake

Amy: Oh, Captain Holt is here today!
Jake: Yes! Genius! He loves us and he's got tons of sway in the department.
Amy: He'll tell the Vulture to back down.
Jake: He'll be all "Vulture, I must INSIST that you DESIST."
Amy: I really think this is going to work. Also, if you ever want to bust out that Holt impression at home, I'd be okay with that.
Jake: Oh, okay. Duly noted. Super disturbing, but I'm definitely going to do it.

Quote from Gina

Charles: Hey, G-Spot!
Gina: Rosa, Charles. Ugh, I missed you guys so much.
Rosa: Really? Because when you left, you made a pretty big deal about deleting us from your phone.
Gina: Girl, that was just the showman in me.
PR is so boring. I need some Nine-Nine drama, stat.
Rosa: I don't think we're that dramatic.
Gina: I've been gone one week. Jake and Amy are dating and they've killed a person.

Quote from Jake

Amy: We're going to secretly record the Vulture telling you to dump me. Then we'll play it for Chief Garmin, and then-
Jake: We're gonna totally have sex on top of each other.
Amy: You get to keep your job.
Jake: Yes, that.

Quote from Captain Holt

Sergeant Jeffords: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Slow down, sir. You didn't even stop and sniff the bouquet. You always sniff the bouquet.
Captain Holt: Maybe the old Holt did. But the new Holt chugs Beaujolais from a Burgundy glass without a care. Oh, it's a Sauternes glass. Look, the alcohol has rendered me a simpleton.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: My tolerance has really changed since I had kids!

Quote from Jake

Jake: Hey, Captain. I was looking for you inside.
The Vulture: One thing I won't do is fart in church. This is God's house.
Jake: Oh, respectful.

Quote from Charles

Charles: She's a vegan!
Rosa: What is going on?
Charles: You're right. I couldn't help myself. I wanted to know about her. And I got what I deserved: a vegan, a gluten-free vegan!

Quote from Jake

Jake: Thought I might find you here. So not a big fan of my speech, huh?
Amy: No, I loved it. I mean, I wish it hadn't been at a wake.
And I wish you hadn't kept referring to me as your dead boss.
Jake: Yeah, it pretty much sucked butt, but still was somehow the best of the three toasts.
Amy: Hmm.
Jake: Look, I don't want to break up. But I don't want to get demoted either. I just don't know what to do. I'm all out of plans.

Quote from Charles

Gina: Whatcha doing there, Boyle?
Charles: Trying to get drunk enough to have sexual intercourse with a vegan. Why can't I just think with my junk like a modern man?

Quote from Jake

The Vulture: Yeah, all eyes are gonna be on us because Frick & Frack here killed Captain Dozerman.
Jake: Hey. We accidentally startled a guy with a genetic heart condition. If you really think about it, his parents killed him.

Quote from Jake

Amy: We're gonna take a page from the Vulture's book.
Jake: The Big Book of Small Butts?
Amy: What?
Jake: It's the only thing I've ever seen him read.

Quote from Gina

Gina: First time back at the Nine-Nine. I really miss these people. The whole crew. Jake, Terry, bleugh. I forget all their other names.

Quote from Charles

Lieutenant Singh: I got us a motel room across the street. Meet me there in fifteen minutes.
Charles: I'll "meat" you all right. M-E-A-T.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Ugh, it's impossible to find Garmin with everybody mourning all over the place.
It's like they have no respect for our sneaky plans.
Amy: I know.

Quote from Jake

Jake: And Coho salmon? Well, that's just something I know about from being a man of the world.
-cut to Jake and Boyle at a restaurant-
Waiter: Our special today is Coho salmon on a-
Jake: Sounds disgusting. Do you have chicken fingers?
-cut back to Jake and Amy at the funeral-
Jake: Impressed?
Amy: Mm-hmm. And horrified by your eating habits.
Jake: Well, if I'm so unhealthy, how come I never go to the bathroom?

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: Can I be honest? Precinct's not the same without you. The Vulture's the worst. My mango yogurt-
Captain Holt: Yes, you already mentioned the yogurt.
Sergeant Jeffords: 'Cause it's important!

Quote from Charles

Charles: My only relationship that wasn't totally devastating when it ended was my casual sex carnival with Gina.


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