TV Quotes

Jake: It's the most fun day of the year. Something you wouldn't understand because you're not programmed to feel joy.
Captain Holt: Yes, but my software is due for an exuberance upgrade.

Gina: Have you seen Captain Holt? Tall, handsome gentleman dressed like an airline pilot.

Sergeant Jeffords: Talk to him, that's what friends do.
Rosa: Nope. I'm gonna wait 'til I'm on my deathbed, get in the last word and then die immediately.
Sergeant Jeffords: That's your plan for dealing with this?
Rosa: That's my plan for dealing with everything. I have seventy-seven arguments I'm going to win that way.

Captain Holt: I do not have a problem. If I want to play Kwazy Cupcakes, I will play Kwazy Cupcakes. Kwazy is a difficult word to say in anger, but I think I've made my feelings clear.

Rosa: Right, that's the guy you said the lame stuff about. Like he's a good listener.
Amy: Sorry, what do you look for in a guy?
Rosa: I don't know, real stuff. Like the shape of his ass.

Jake: When it comes to shooting patterns, I like to go PB&J. Penis, Brain, Jaw.

Captain Holt: Do you know I love milk?
Gina: Uh, no.
Captain Holt: Well I do, but it hurts my stomach. So I haven't had milk, a beverage I love, for 19 years. Nineteen milkless years I've gone, but for some reason I can't quit Kwazy Cupcakes.

Gina: "Kwazy" with a W, a backwards W.

Gina: It's so addictive, right? I play so much that when I close my eyes at night, I just see cupcakes instead of my normal dizzying array of flashing lights.

Jake: I have a sexy voice!
Champagne.
Mountain range.
Hugs.

Jake: I'm gonna make a great dad.
Amy: Not even going to touch that.
Jake: The Amy Santiago story.

Jake: I will stop at nothing to get that trophy. I will shoot you all in the face if I have to.
Go team!

Sergeant Jeffords: Scully, I want you to do nothing. Just stand next to me and say, "Yes, Sarge."
Scully: Okay, Sarge.
Sergeant Jeffords: Come on, man.

Charles: These, Madam, are STDs.
Jake: What are you talking about, buddy?
Charles: STDs. Save the Dates. For Vivian and my wedding.
Jake: Ah, yes. Hey, just out of curiosity. How many people have you given STDs to?
Charles: Lots. Like a hundred. [all but Charles laugh] Oh, I get it. STD has another meaning. You're gross. No one else is gonna think that.
Amy: Everyone else is gonna think that. But it's sweet that your mind didn't go there.
Charles: Thank you. It is kinda sweet.
Amy: Will your first dance be to You Give Me Fever?
Sergeant Jeffords: Will you be serving crabs at the reception?
Gina: Do you have herpes?

Jake: You know when you play along with the robot jokes, it kinda ruins my enjoyment of them?
Captain Holt: Yes, I know.

Captain Holt: Stop saying kwazy. And stop playing this inane garbage. It's embarrassing.
Gina: Say it to my face.
Captain Holt: I did. You were looking at your phone.
Gina: Oh. My b.

Jake: Almost makes me wanna take things seriously all the time. But then I'm like "boobs, farts, boobs, whatever".

Gina: So stop playin!
Captain Holt: But I'm just about to enter Sprinkle City.

Charles: Why do you care so much?
Jake: Okay, first of all, your insinuating voice is way too high. It's creepy.
And second, I don't care. I'm just curious why she would like him.
Charles: Whatever you say. Oh, yeah, I hear it now. I sound like Meryl Streep in Mama Mia.

Charles: Do you wanna know why she went out with him and not you?
Jake: Yeah.
Charles: Because he actually asked her out.

Jake: How many times do I have to say it? She's like a sister!
Charles: That's what Luke said about Leia!
Jake: Hey, Luke didn't know. No one knew!

Jake: I think I figured out my persona for this year's Tactical Village. Introducing "Rex Buckingham", British secret agent, ballistics expert, ladies man.

Charles: Guys, this is my wedding. This is important to me. No more jokes.
Jake: You're right and we're sorry. We love you buddy. Warts and all. Sorry, I made a rash decision. I was itching to say it. Okay, I'm done.

Captain Holt: There's no such thing as a backwards 'w'.

Charles: Oh, my butt holes!
Amy: Okay, I know you have two bullet wounds in your butt, but you've got to stop calling them your buttholes.

Charles: What? Mountain range is the sexiest geological feature. No, wait. Deep sea trench.

Amy: I'm gonna go talk to Rosa. You try think of some sexier words.
Jake: Jesuit. Horticulture. Lamb.

Jake: I am playing a character: a no-nonsense detective whose only goal is to set this course's record. His name is Vic Kovak, he's an ex-Navy seal who was double crossed and left for dead. I don't want to go into his backstory.