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‘NutriBoom’ Quotes

Brooklyn Nine-Nine: NutriBoom

516. NutriBoom

Aired April 15, 2018

Jake and Charles realize that they've been suckered into the cult-like NutriBoom pyramid scheme, and must find a way to sever their contracts.

Quote from Charles

Charles: Jake, piece of advice: just give up. It's the Boyle way. It's why our family crest is a white flag.


Quote from Charles

Jake: So not a big deal, there was just a little bit of a mix-up and we need to cancel our NutriContracts.
Angela: Absolutely. It happens all the time. All you need to do is sign a few things.
Jake: Ah. See, Charles, that is why you never give up.
Angela: I'll also need $10,000.
Jake: What's that?
Angela: I'm sorry. It's payment for the last shipment. Plus the cancellation fee, plus the restocking fee plus something we call a coward's charge. And that comes to $10,000. Congratulations.
Charles: Thank you. I'll write you a check. Is gratuity included?

Quote from Gina

Amy: Gina, what do I do?
Gina: No, I don't know how to deal with an Amy. But there is this girl Wanda in my Mommy & Me class. She's such a pill. She's so into her baby and not into the other babies and it's like, oh, cool, well, congrats. Your baby rolled over early. Like, who cares?
Amy: I don't have time for this, Gina. *turns and walks away*
Gina: And that is how you deal with an Amy. You talk about something she's not interested in until she walks away.
Amy: Ohh, brilliant.

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: Look, I wasn't gonna tell you this, but you should just do what I used to do - when I needed to escape you.
Amy: What did you do?
Rosa: Literally escape you. Always be on the move. Never be static. Like a shark. That way he can't catch your attention.
Gina: That's right! That is what we did.
Amy: Wait, you all did that?
Gina: Mm-hmm.
Amy: Okay, but Rosa, how did you ... Rosa? W-where did she- Damn, you guys are good. [Rosa and Gina are gone]

Quote from Scully

Jake: Pigeon's still here?
Scully: Yeah. No matter what we do, he just won't leave.
Jake: The problem is you're thinking like detectives.
Scully: No, I'm definitely not.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Captain Holt: Are you ready for your first briefing?
Amy: Yes, I am fully prepared. I just wanna establish myself as a leader right away.
Sergeant Jeffords: Just be confident, deliberate and firm. You'll know you have their respect when you can take a moment [pours a cup of coffee] and still keep their attention.
Amy: Amazing.
Rosa: That was captivating as hell.

Quote from Charles

Charles: I don't know. You really think it'll work?
Jake: Charles, it has to. It's for our honeymoon.
Charles: You said "our"!

Quote from Jake

Charles: Anyway, meet the new recruit I signed up.
Peter: New NutriCruit? Boom, boom!
Jake: Boom, boom. My name is Barry St. Barry. And I can't wait to get inside and unlock my NutriFuture.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Man, everybody here is so creepy.
Charles: Yeah. Is that Hitchcock and Scully?
Hitchcock: Boom, boom, Bill!
Scully: Boom, boom!
Jake: Yeah, that tracks.

Quote from Charles

Jake: I got the files. I told you it would work. Wait, what's wrong?
Charles: They formed a line, Jake. They formed a line.

Quote from Charles

Charles: I can't believe we're working a sting operation - with a celebrity.
Jake: I know. I feel like we're in "Oceans 11".
Charles: You're such a Clooney. Ooh, and I'm Elliot Gould.
Jake: Wow. Just skipped right over Pitt and Damon, huh?

Quote from Captain Holt

Amy: Well, I'm not sure there's anything left to try. No matter what I did, he just kept interrupting me with all his own ideas.
Captain Holt: Were they good ideas?
Amy: I don't know. I didn't listen to them. Damn. Did you just solve it that easily?
Captain Holt: Yes, I did. You see, managing Amy is not a chore, it's a pleasure. Because an Amy is a tool.
Amy: I'm a tool?
Captain Holt: Yes, you're a massive tool. You're useful and valuable. Sure, an Amy can be intimidating sometimes because they have such strong ideas. But you should always listen to an Amy because they will only make you better. At least, that's my experience.
Amy: Thank you, sir.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Bill, did you bring those things I asked for?
Bill: Yep, all of my belongings that you'll need are in this suitcase.
Charles: Why is it vibrating? Is your cell phone in here?
Bill: No.
Jake: I'm sure it's not a sex toy.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Oh, it's good to hear. Remember, failure is for failures.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Okay, tell us more.
Bill: Now, here's a list of all the nicknames I go by. Big Bill, Big Eric, Big Drew, Big Dave, Super Thick-
Jake: Just write them all down for us.

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