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‘99’ Quotes

Brooklyn Nine-Nine: 99

509. 99

Aired December 5, 2017

While the entire precinct attends a funeral in LA, Holt learns that he is in the running to become Chief Commissioner of the NYPD - his dream job. But after missing their flight back to New York, Jake must devise a variety of ways to get Holt back in time for the interview. Forced to stay with some estranged members of the Boyle family, Amy tries to convince everyone that she can be laid back, Terry panics about losing his first-class flight and Charles uncovers some new information about Rosa's personal life.

Quote from Amy

Jake: You might wanna stand back for this, sir. It can get pretty intense.
Amy: [YELLING] All right, you mooks, our union health plan has 100% reimbursement for out-of-state ambulance rides. Scully will fake a medical emergency.
Scully: Don't need to fake it. Always having at least one.
Amy: Great. You call an ambulance, and have it take us here to Monroe, Louisiana. The ambulance can drive 25 miles over the posted speed limit, so we'll get there by 9:00 p.m. There's a small airport there, mostly servicing crop dusters. Of course, they can't take passengers, but thanks to a loophole in H.R. 377551, police officers are allowed to commandeer any plane in the interest of national security. The crop duster will land at an airstrip outside of Finksburg, Maryland. We'll take a cab to Baltimore, jump on the 6:48 a.m. train to New York, arriving at 9:26. Kevin will meet us at Penn Station with a fresh Captain's uniform. From there, it's a 29-minute cab ride to One Police Plaza. You change on the way, and we should get to your meeting with five minutes to spare. Stop clapping, you idiots! We gotta move, move, move!

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Quote from Rosa

Charles: Okay, we can't get out until Monday afternoon, at the earliest.
Jake: I tried everything. I begged. I pleaded. I even told them that Scully was a Make-a-Wish kid with a rare disease that makes him look like a giant old baby.
Rosa: Did you call it Scullyosis?
Jake: Damn it, Rosa, that's really good and completely useless to me now.

Quote from Charles

Charles: Hey, Rosa, are you ready to go streaking?
Rosa: What?
Charles: That's what my dad and I called getting blonde streaks in your hair. We used to do it to our ponytails on road trips. You just take a little lemon up top, and let the sun do the rest. We called it giving each other road head.
Rosa: You just said you called it going streaking.
Charles: It had a couple names.

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: I'm already seeing somebody, Boyle.
Charles: Oh, and just like that, things got interesting.
Rosa: And just like that, I left.

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: Can't sleep either, huh? This cow screaming is so loud.
Captain Holt: So loud.
Jake: Is it a pleasure sound or pain? Maybe they're into both?
Captain Holt: I hear they're into leather.
Jake: Was that a joke?
Captain Holt: Gallows humor. Being in this bovine brothel is truly a nightmare.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: Let's do this. I can't wait to get on a plane. I used up my miles, and upgraded first class.
Rosa: Damn, Sarge.
Sergeant Jeffords: This is gonna be great. Sipping on a mimosa, snacking on a hummus trio, watching "Bridget Jones's Baby."

Quote from Hitchcock

Jake: Sir, with all due respect, the first thing that you taught me when you came to the Nine-Nine is that we're a team, so your responsibility is my responsibility too.
Rosa: And mine.
Sergeant Jeffords: And mine.
Amy: And mine.
Charles: And mine.
Scully: And mine.
Hitchcock: Six people seems like a lot. I mean, at some point, it's just too many cooks. And mine.

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: Hey, I'm sorry that things didn't work out. I know you always hoped that you'd be Commissioner.
Captain Holt: No. Over the course of my career, I've learned that it's best not to have hopes.
Jake: Sir, that is so sad. That's like saying it's best not to have dreams.
Captain Holt: I only have one dream a year, always on Tax Day. In it, I must file an extension. So, yes, it is best not to have dreams.

Quote from Hitchcock

Scully: Oh, I'd like to see an increase in vacation days.
Hitchcock: And we should all get summers off like teachers. Let the city go to purge.

Quote from Captain Holt

Chief Aggerton: Hello, Raymond.
Captain Holt: Oh, Chief Aggerton. I didn't realize you'd be flying out for this.
Chief Aggerton: I liked McGintley. He was fun to have a beer with. There's nobody in this department I wanna have a beer with anymore.
Captain Holt: Yes, that's the problem with the NYPD.

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: Dallas? What the hell? We were supposed to be in Louisiana by now. We've been averaging 50 for 21 hours. Unless - Damn it! The speedometer's broken. No wonder everyone was flipping us off. I thought it was just racism.
Captain Holt: Well, I'm sure it didn't help.
Jake: Yeah.

Quote from Jake

Jake: What's going on is Captain Holt has an interview to become the Commissioner of the freakin' NYPD, and he's gonna nail it and fulfill his destiny as Lord High Commander of all Justice.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Sir, you're the perfect candidate: smart, well-respected, you smell great. That has nothing to do with the job. It's just something I've been meaning to tell you. Is it sandalwood?
Captain Holt: Please calm down.
Jake: Right, totally. Don't wanna jinx it.
Captain Holt: I don't believe in jinxes.
Jake: Great, then you won't mind me saying it's a lock. You're definitely gonna get it, and you're gonna smell even better with that Lord High Commander of all Justice stank on you.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Oh, GPS says turn left here. Turn left.
Captain Holt: No, this route is more direct.
Jake: Oh, okay. You do you, Commish.
Captain Holt: Please don't call me that.
Jake: Okay, fine, I'll just call you the 'Mish no wait, Mishy Elliot - no wait, Mish-es Doubtfire.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Can we go in, sir?
Captain Holt: Fine, just make it quick.
Jake: Yes! Pull in over there, Argyle!
Captain Holt: What?
Jake: That's the name of the driver in the movie. We're going to Nakatomi Plaza. There's gonna be role-play.


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