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‘HalloVeen’ Quotes

Brooklyn Nine-Nine: HalloVeen

504. HalloVeen

Aired October 17, 2017

The Nine-Nine embarks on its fifth annual Halloween Heist and, as usual, everybody has a plan and no one is safe. Relationships and friendships are tested as the title "Amazing Human Slash Genius" must be snagged by midnight, leaving everyone pitted against each other.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Okay, here it goes. Ames, I love you. I love how smart you are. I love how beautiful you are. I love your face, and I love your butt. I should've written this down first.
Amy: No, no, it's okay. Go on.
Jake: I love how much you pretend to like "Die Hard."
Amy: I like the second one.
Jake: You don't have to.
Amy: Okay.
Jake: Yeah. You're kind, and you're funny, and you're the best person I know, and the best detective. Also, for reals, I love your butt.
Amy: I love yours too.
Jake: Gross. Amy Santiago will you marry me?
Amy: Jake Peralta, I will marry you.

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Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Wait a minute this isn't the championship cummerbund. This is some common cummerbund. And you're not Cheddar. You're just some common bitch.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Halloween. Mua-ha-ha-ha. It's heist time. Argh!
Amy: Thought you could get a head start on heist prep? Good luck. I'm already dressed.
Jake: Well, I'm also dressed, and I made breakfast. Wait, where are my eggs?
Captain Holt: In my belly. [BOTH SCREAM] Now get a move on, it's heist time.
Jake: I love Halloween!

Quote from Jake

Jake: [flashback] Mr. Santiago, I'm calling to inform you that I plan to ask your daughter to marry me, but since it's 2017, I am not asking you for your permission, as she is not your property, nor would she be mine, if she chooses to say yes. She's a strong independent woman, and she don't need no man. That being said, I truly hope she says yes. But it's her decision, so just back off!
Amy: Aww, that was perfect. What did he say?
Jake: I have no idea, I left a voicemail. I'm terrified of him.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Look, no one gave me the idea. I decided to ask Amy to marry me all on my own on April 28th.
[flashback:]
Amy: [gasps] There's a typo in this crossword puzzle.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Cheddar! Where is my dog?
Sergeant Jeffords: Aren't you standing right next to him?
Captain Holt: This bitch? Please.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Cheddar? Cheddar? Shake. Ah, good grip, pristine coat. That's my doggie! You betrayed me. You'll explain yourself later. Return to my office.

Quote from Amy

Jake: Insult me all you want, for I have only this to say-
Both: Victory shall be mine!
Amy: I heard you practicing in the shower. You can't surprise me. Letting me into your life was the worst mistake you ever made.
Jake: Cool, fun take on our relationship.

Quote from Charles

Jake: They fell for it.
Charles: Hook, line, and sphincter.
Jake: It's sinker.
Charles: No, it's sphincter. That's where you put the hook in when you're eeling.
Jake: Well, I'll never use that expression again.

Quote from Charles

Charles: Look, Sarge, I think everyone knows that I planted the idea in Jake's head eight years ago.
Amy: [flashback] Oh, hi, I'm starting today. Detective Santiago.
Jake: Oh, Detective Peralta. Welcome aboard.
Charles: I'm hearing wedding bells. Hi, Detective Boyle.
Amy: [present day] That actually really slowed things down. It took, like, four years for me to forget that memory.
Charles: Yeah, I'm my own worst enemy.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: I know one of you took Cheddar, and you did it for the sake of the heist, but if anything happens to him, I will end you. I couldn't bring myself to neuter Cheddar, but I will neuter you all.

Quote from Amy

Jake: Will you please help me get out of this? It's not for the heist. I just really have to pee.
Amy: I know you don't drink water. You pee once every two days. And you went this morning.
Jake: Damn it, you know me so well.

Quote from Rosa

Amy: I don't understand, who took it?
Rosa: We haven't heard from Charles in an hour. Maybe he betrayed The Tramps. Oh, God, I just called us The Tramps. What have I become?

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: So, where on Gina's mobile should I place this moonless Jupiter? I pity the child who lies beneath this solar system.

Quote from Scully

Hitchcock: Hey, Captain, something's going on with this heist. You tell us everything you know, and we'll tell you everything we know.
Captain Holt: I'd rather not.
Scully: [CHUCKLES] Jokes on you, we don't know anything.
Captain Holt: Well, good day then.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Well, if I'm sweating, as you claim, it's because I was watching an exciting video on the net.
Hitchcock: Really? What?
Captain Holt: It was a video of an American gymnast. His leotard ripped, exposing his butt. It was highly erotic.
Hitchcock: You're lying. I.T. just installed blocker software, thanks to moi.
Captain Holt: Uh, yes, but they didn't install it on my computer, because I'm a captain.
Hitchcock: You don't look hot and bothered at all to me. Show us the erotica.
Captain Holt: Gentlemen, I assure you, there's nothing to see.

Quote from Jake

Rosa: [on radio] Check in, Boyle, check in.
Charles: Uh-oh, Jake, they check in every ten minutes, and I have to respond with a code only we know.
Jake: [to the radio] I am a Tramp.
Rosa: [on radio]- Copy that.
Jake: Did I guess it? Did I guess the code? I couldn't hear what Rosa said back, but was that right?
Charles: You got it.
Jake: Yeah, I thought so, okay.

Quote from Gina

Rosa: Hey, Gina just texted me. She said, "Weird, I didn't even realize they were dating. JK, so happy for you bitches."

Quote from Jake

Jake: The only way we're gonna win is if we team up.
Amy: Good point. I guess my response is ... rot in hell, crap-face! [GASPS] Also, I love you, and I treasure you, and ya bore me.
Jake: God, you're being so mean. Do it more.


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