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‘Cop-Con’ Quotes

Brooklyn Nine-Nine: Cop-Con

417. Cop-Con

Aired May 9, 2017

The precinct packs up and heads to the Tri-State Police Officers' annual Cop-Con, which is usually the Nine-Nine's excuse for a big annual party. But the squad's fun is threatened this year when Holt asks them to be on their best behavior. Then, Amy suddenly vanishes hours before taking the Sergeant Exam, and it's up to Jake and Rosa to find her before it's too late.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Oh, I see what's happening here. Uh, due to an issue with the Internet cloud, you are seeing a series of pictures that have nothing to do with me or the 99th precinct.

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Quote from Captain Holt

Sergeant Jeffords: You're being a little harsh on him, Captain.
Captain Holt: I've been up for promotions against that man on six occasions, and he's prevailed every single time. Why? Because he's a snake.
Sergeant Jeffords: Isn't it possible he gets promotions because he's nice and people like him?
Captain Holt: Please, I hate to say this about anyone, let alone a fellow officer, but that man is full of balogna.
Sergeant Jeffords: Baloney.
Captain Holt: You're right. He's so vile, we should use the crude Americanization of the word. He's full of baloney.

Quote from Charles

Jake: Besides, if he does leave his room, my new partner will warn me.
Charles: New partner?
Jake: K-13.
Robot: Hello.
Jake: It's a robot! I can program it to wait outside Holt's door, and if there's any movement, it'll send us an alert.
Sergeant Jeffords: All right, I'm in, but only because your robot is so cool.
Charles: I don't know. It's not that cool. I mean, all he's doing is standing guard. I mean, I could do that.
Jake: Awesome, if you do that, then K-13 can come to the party. [mimics robot] I am programmed to boogie my butt.
Charles: No, I'm going to the party. People prefer me over a robot. Right?

Quote from Charles

Jake: Hey, going pretty good, right?
Charles: Hell, yes. It's like a Bonnie Raitt concert in here.
Jake: No.

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: Can I help you with something?
Captain Holt: I'm concerned that my presentation isn't, uh, "jazzy" enough to compete with Jeffrey's. He's such a showman.
Jake: Yeah.
Captain Holt: I'm thinking about augmenting the graphs with, um, color.
Jake: Sir.
Captain Holt: I know. I'm debasing myself. Anyway, give this to Jeffords. He's the artist. I'd like him to choose the, um-
Jake: Color?
Captain Holt: Yes.

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: What's up?
Captain Holt: I need my laptop. I wanna practice my speech with the new colors beforehand so I'm not alarmed when they pop up.

Quote from Charles

Charles: See you in hell, partner. [Charles pushes the K-13 robot off the balconey]
[present:]
Jake: You killed her?
Charles: Her? Oh, my God, it was a her. You were replacing Amy, not me. What have I done?

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: This isn't an excuse for you to party. This is a police convention, not the Newport Folk Festival.

Quote from Captain Holt

Sergeant Jeffords: Uh, why are you doing that?
Captain Holt: On the other side of your trunk, is the worst person I've ever met. Captain Jeffrey Bouche, the living embodiment of evil.
Jeffrey Bouche: Raymond Holt? As I live and breathe. You have not aged a day. So how's Kevin? How's Cheddar? Come on. Tell me everything.
Captain Holt: Kevin is fine. Cheddar is a dog. He has no concept of good or bad.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Holt went to bed early 'cause his big speech is in the morning.
Sergeant Jeffords: Well, how do you know he's in for the night?
Jake: Because his breakfast order is hanging on the doorknob. Water, comma, hot. Muffin, comma, English. And that means it's time for us to hard, comma, party.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Attention, our boss is headed this way. Everyone has to clear the hallway right now.
[The crowd grumbles]
Amy: Shh!
[The crowd is silent]
Charles: [whispering] Wow, she is great at shushing.
Jake: I know, she's like a librarian.
Rosa: You mean, like a sexy librarian?
Jake: No, a regular one.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Mm, hey, Captain.
Captain Holt: Are you just waking up? It's 11:00 a.m.
Jake: [scoffs] No, no, I'm just tired 'cause, um, I worked out so much this morning.
Captain Holt: Ah.
Jake: You know, squat 400 on the bench push fitness and whatnot.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Right, right. Um, I know that Terry definitely did do that work, so I'll just go grab 'em. Okay. Uh, you wait here. You can't come in because Amy's naked and she's embarrassed of her weird body.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Where are you on my graphs? The presentation is in 90 minutes.
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm definitely all done, but I'm worried, if you're going up against Jeffrey, will color be enough? I was thinking, slide transitions.
Captain Holt: Oh, good grief. Very well, you may add cross dissolves. But so help me God, Jeffords, if I see even one star wipe-

Quote from Jake

Jake: Captain, I'm sorry that things got out of hand, but you can still be on the board. I read 85 pages of the convention bylaws, and-
Captain Holt: That was unnecessary. I don't wanna be on the board.
Jake: But I read bylaws.

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: I wanna show you a picture from last night that really upset me.
Jake: Okay, but in my defense, Rosa bet me 50 cents that I couldn't drink all that shampoo.
Captain Holt: That's not what I wanted to- You drank shampoo?
Jake: What? No. You're the one farting bubbles.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: This is what I wanted to show you. Do you know what disappoints me most about this about this picture? That I'm not in it. I can't remember the last time I saw the Nine-Nine so happy. And I wasn't there.
Jake: 'Cause you were working on your presentation to get us a win.
Captain Holt: Yeah, well, it wasn't a real win. I wish I had been in that photo.

Quote from Scully

Scully: I'm, hi. Uh, Norm. Uh, who are you?
Cindy Shatz: Shatz. Uh, Cindy Shatz.
Amy: Scully, shake her hand.
Scully: Oh, uh, here I go. Meet to please you, Shatz.
Cindy Shatz: Your hands are so clammy.
Scully: I ate a bunch of clams earlier and they still smell.
Gina: No, that's not what she meant.
Cindy Shatz: No, it was. Anyway, it was so nice to meet you.
Scully: Why?


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