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‘Christmas’ Quotes

Brooklyn Nine-Nine: Christmas

111. Christmas

Aired December 3, 2013

When the Captain receives death threats, Jake is put in charge of his personal security. Meanwhile, Amy tries to get the precinct to pose for a Christmas picture, while Sergeant Jeffords faces his final psych eval.

Quote from Amy

Amy: Sir, I'm sure you had your reasons for going to Peralta, but this is exactly the type of job I would love to have.
Captain Holt: Okay, the next time someone threatens to kill me, I'll come straight to you.
Amy: Thank you, sir. I can't wait. I didn't mean- Let's catch this bastard.

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Quote from Jake

Jake: Wow, I think I really would have gotten along with young Ray Holt.
Captain Holt: Yes, that's why I decided to change everything about my life.

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: Captains receive meaningless threats all the time. It's really no big deal.
Jake: Of course. Totally. I mean, why would a death threat be a big deal? Oh, that's right 'cause it threatens death!

Quote from Jake

Amy: You look happy. Let me guess. Your egg sandwich fell on the floor, and they gave it to you for free.
Jake: No. Can you do that? Why doesn't everyone just drop their sandwiches on the floor?
Amy: I was trying to insult you.
Jake: And instead you gave me an amazing life hack!

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: I'd like to text my husband to tell him I'll be coming home late tonight.
Jake: Okay, but for security reasons, I get to craft the message.
Let's start with a pleasant greeting. How about, "Hello, honey".
Captain Holt: You will not craft the message.
Jake: Roger that. Honey's wrong. How about "Hello, husband". "Hello, sir"? You call each other sir?

Quote from Charles

Charles: That's right. Boom. Just kicked Santa in the testicles.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Woah, woah, woah. Where are you going, Cold Mountain? I changed your codename.
Captain Holt: To use the restroom.
Jake: I'm only asking this for your safety. Is it a number one or a number two?
Your silence indicates number two.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Psychologist: Okay, let's switch gears. Do a little word association. What do you think of when I say the word "bottle"?.
Sergeant Jeffords: Liquor store. Hold up. Gun. Die.
Psychologist: How about "grass"?
Sergeant Jeffords: Marijuana. Drugs. Gun. Die.
Psychologist: Cat.
Sergeant Jeffords: Kitten. Cute. Calm. False sense of security. Gun. Die.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Nice work, Jeffords. Nice work, Peralta.
Jake: Captain, you're doing it. You're emoting.

Quote from Rosa

Amy: Now, the Captain won't allow us to give him all the presents we bought him.
Rosa: You are the only one that did that.

Quote from Jake

Jake: And a very Merry Christmas to you, Captain. Ho, ho, ho!
Deputy Chief Gerber: Captain Holt has received a number of death threats.
Jake: Oh, I really came in here with the wrong energy.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Anything else?
Jake: Yes. What cute little nickname do you call your Husband?
Captain Holt: Kevin.
Jake: Adorable.


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