Adult Sheldon: In that moment, I had an epiphany. I could draw up a contract for any social relationship. It was a helpful way to remove ambiguity in a world that was often hard to understand. Article three Sheldon will not spy on Meemaw's house with binoculars.

Adult Sheldon: I would go on to draw up such contracts throughout my life. With roommates. With my wife. Even with my own children.

Mary: I know you've had a number of gentleman callers, but I've never heard you speak like this before.
Meemaw: "Gentleman callers"?
George Sr.: And we wonder where Sheldon gets it.

Mary: He's just excited that Meemaw's dating a man he looks up to.
George Jr.: I wish she could date Tony Danza that'd be cool.
George Sr.: What is it with you and Tony Danza?
George Jr.: Well, the show doesn't come out and say it, but I'm pretty sure he's the boss.
Missy: I think the blonde lady's the boss.
George Jr.: Angela? Who's the oddball now?

Mary: So, you're really gonna go out with this furniture store fella while seeing Dr. Sturgis?
Meemaw: It's called playing the field. And if you'd done some of that, you wouldn't be saddled with Bluto in there.

Mary: And is that really necessary?
Meemaw: The Italians call it "corretto". It means correcting the drink.
Mary: So, a drink without alcohol in it is wrong?
Meemaw: Yep. Italian people, they know what's up.

Meemaw: Well, you have to let me cook for you sometime.
Dr. John Sturgis: But I enjoy cooking for you. It's a means of expressing my affection. It also allows me to control the amount of garlic, which gives me the burps.
Meemaw: Well, I do make a mean barbecue, and I promise I can make it garlic-free.
Dr. John Sturgis: Excellent! Next time, you can express your affection for me.

Meemaw: I have only seen you eat vanilla ice cream for dessert. Why is that?
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, I've taken a page from the great physicist Richard Feynman. In order to have one less decision in his life, he decided that dessert would always be chocolate ice cream.
Meemaw: Sounds like it could get kind of boring.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, it does. But over the last 35 years, I believe I've saved at least a day and a half.

Meemaw: Can you believe he tried to win me back with a dinette set?
George Sr.: I'd give you a dinette set if you'd leave Texas.

Dr. John Sturgis: You know, Sheldon, I'm a notary, if that helps.
Sheldon: Just when I thought you couldn't get cooler.

Dr. John Sturgis: How's Sheldon doing?
Meemaw: What?
Dr. John Sturgis: Sheldon. You were talking to Sheldon.
Meemaw: Oh right, yes. Did you know he has a picture of that fella Feynman in his bedroom?
Dr. John Sturgis: What? So do I!
Meemaw: Peas in a pod.

Meemaw: All right, now, listen, if this relationship's gonna have any chance at all, we have to lay down some ground rules.
Sheldon: Great. I love rules.
Dr. John Sturgis: I do, too.

Sheldon: Are you two fighting?
Meemaw: No.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, good. I was almost certain that we were.
Meemaw: We are.
Sheldon: I'm confused.
Dr. John Sturgis: Me, too.

Ira Rosenbloom: John, you're a great guy.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, you, too!
Ira Rosenbloom: But I hope you understand, I just I can't give up on Connie.
Dr. John Sturgis: That's all right. To tell you the truth, I'm finding the competition quite exhilarating.
Ira Rosenbloom: You are?
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, yes. The night the dinette set arrived, I did my first push-up in 40 years.
Ira Rosenbloom: I'm sorry, but I find that to be, uh- What's the word, Astro-boobulous?
Dr. John Sturgis: Ostrobogulous.
Ira Rosenbloom: Ostrobogulous.
Dr. John Sturgis: Exactly.

Mary: I'm sorry y'all find this funny, but this is the first time my mother's expressed real interest in a man since Dad died. Forgive me for wanting to know more.
Meemaw: You really want to know more? Imagine you're getting on in years, you and your husband about to retire, get a little timeshare in Sarasota, and suddenly he's gone, and you're all alone. You mourn, you cry, but eventually you move on. You start dating a little, and it's all good fun. But always in the back of your mind, there's that question "Will I be alone in the end?"
George Sr.: [sniffling, rubbing a tear from his eye] Why y'all looking at me for?

Meemaw: Yes?
Sheldon: How's it going?
Meemaw: It's Sheldon again.
Sheldon: What do you mean "again"?
Meemaw: Speak.
Sheldon: I recently read an article about a superconducting supercollider that might be built in Texas.
Meemaw: What about it?
Sheldon: Well, I thought if there was a lull in your dinner conversation, you might casually drop it as an icebreaker.
Meemaw: Our dinner conversation is going just fine.
Sheldon: Well, now you have it in your back pocket. Carry on.

Dr. John Sturgis: Excuse me. I'm looking for Ira.
Ira Rosenbloom: At your service. What can I do for you?
Dr. John Sturgis: You, sir, have overstepped your bounds.
Ira Rosenbloom: I'm sorry, what?
Dr. John Sturgis: Miss Constance Tucker made it clear your courtship was no longer welcome, and you responded with six chairs, a table, and an expansion leaf.
Ira Rosenbloom: Who are you?
Dr. John Sturgis: John Sturgis, the man she chose and your romantic rival.
Ira Rosenbloom: I-I'm sorry, wait, what-what is it you want from me?
Dr. John Sturgis: I want you to give up your pursuit of Connie.
Ira Rosenbloom: All right, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave my store.
Dr. John Sturgis: Very well. The line in the sand has been drawn. Cross it at your own peril.
Ira Rosenbloom: Weirdo.
Dr. John Sturgis: What was that?
Ira Rosenbloom: You heard me.
Dr. John Sturgis: Sir, I am a man with feelings. And you have hurt them.

Mary: So, you're really gonna date two men simultaneously?
Meemaw: Two that you know of.
Mary: Oh, Mom.
Meemaw: Come on, don't be such a prude. I'm not gonna have any babies. I don't need these men to take care of me. Why shouldn't I just enjoy myself?
Mary: Well, it isn't very Christian of you.
Meemaw: I got no argument there. Salute! Yeah, that fixed it.

Meemaw: Okay. I guess you could say one of my former boyfriends is trying to win me back with furniture.
Dr. John Sturgis: Huh. Impressive. This is real oak. Was that him on the phone?
Meemaw: Yes. I'm sorry.
Dr. John Sturgis: Interesting.
Meemaw: What?
Dr. John Sturgis: Being challenged by another man is making you more attractive to me.
Meemaw: I don't follow.
Dr. John Sturgis: I'll have to do some research, but I'm guessing this is a genetic instinct that's raising my libido.
Meemaw: I need a drink.

Sheldon: Oh, man. You won't believe what's happening at Meemaw's house.
George Sr.: Is it more interesting than Who's the Boss?
George Jr.: Doubt it.

Mary: Hey, who are you calling?
Sheldon: Dr. Sturgis.
Mary: Why?
Sheldon: I saw Meemaw get in a car with Mr. Rosenbloom.
Mary: No.... [dives across the room towards Sheldon]
Adult Sheldon: I don't know if it really happened this way, but to my nine-year-old mind, my mother was flying.

Ira Rosenbloom: So, how's the brisket?
Meemaw: It's good. It ain't my brisket, but it's good.
Ira Rosenbloom: I should take you to New York so you could taste some authentic Jewish brisket.
Meemaw: How's it different?
Ira Rosenbloom: Well, it's pretty much the same except it's-it's a lot juicier and you can feel the fat go directly to your heart.

Dr. John Sturgis: Question will we be engaging in coitus tonight? Because I believe I pulled a hamstring on the bike ride over.
Meemaw: Why didn't you say something?
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, I was trying to display machismo, but it's becoming more and more clear that there's something askew in my groin.
Meemaw: Oh, John we don't have to do anything. We can just be together.
Dr. John Sturgis: Thanks. But if it's all the same to you, I'd like to give it the old college try.

Sheldon: I'm done. Can I please be excused?
Mary: Good Lord, did you even chew it?
Sheldon: Not the recommended amount, no.

Sheldon: I don't want to celebrate too soon, but Meemaw and Mr. Rosenbloom are back, and he was crying. [gives thumbs up] There'll be more updates as they happen.

Meemaw: I'm warning you, once you try my barbecue, it will ruin you to all the others.
Dr. John Sturgis: That's what happened to me with quilted toilet paper. Once I tried the good stuff, everything else felt like a Brillo pad.
Meemaw: You paint quite the picture, don't you?

Sheldon: But I still don't understand.
Meemaw: Your grandmother's a single lady. She's not committed to any one fella, and she wants to see what her options are.
Sheldon: But Dr. Sturgis is the best option.
Mary: Well, you might feel that way, but she's not so sure.
Sheldon: Then we need to tell her. I'll make the call.
Mary: No. We need to mind our business and maybe pray for her to make the right decision.
Sheldon: We're gonna leave this up to God?
Mary: You think you could do a better job than God?
Sheldon: Maybe not with creating the universe, but I bet I could free the Hebrews with one good plague.

Sheldon: Excellent. I love him, too.
Meemaw: Get out of here!
Sheldon: If you don't understand what Dr. Sturgis says, I'm happy to explain it to you.
Meemaw: Get...!

George Sr.: What's your hurry?
Sheldon: I need to get back to my viewing post.
Mary: Fine, go ahead.
George Jr.: What's he expect to see, staring at Meemaw's house?
Missy: Did you just join this family? The kid's an oddball.

Ira Rosenbloom: [sobbing] I'm sorry. I thought I could handle this.
Meemaw: It's okay.
Ira Rosenbloom: You know, you get older, and you think your skin is thicker-
Meemaw: It's okay.
Ira Rosenbloom: -and your heart is tougher. But it's not, it's the other way around!

Ira Rosenbloom: Haven't slept in days. It's like I'm a lovesick teenager, except I remember the Truman administration.

Ira Rosenbloom: So, uh what do you think of that idea?
Meemaw: What idea?
Ira Rosenbloom: Going to New York. Maybe we'll catch a couple of Broadway shows, uh, see some sights.
Meemaw: Oh, Ira, gee I don't know. Seems like a big step.
Ira Rosenbloom: Is it? I think at this time of our lives, we should travel, see the world.
Meemaw: I guess.
Ira Rosenbloom: I mean, we're not getting any younger.
Meemaw: What's that supposed to mean?
Ira Rosenbloom: I mean, I mean, I'm not getting any younger. You, on the other hand, you are a blossoming tulip.
Meemaw: Better.

Meemaw: I don't want you talking to him about anything having to do with anything about us.
Same with you. And I want you to stop spying on me with those binoculars like you're on some kind of African safari. And you cannot talk to Ira or any of my ex-boyfriends, for that matter.
Dr. John Sturgis: This list is getting long. Maybe we should write it down.

Ira Rosenbloom: You can get lox, bagels, all the trimmings at 3:30 in the morning.
Meemaw: Why would I want that?
Ira Rosenbloom: Well, you wouldn't. I mean, it's too heavy. But you could if you wanted. So, what do you think?

Meemaw: And how I handle Ira is my business!
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, I hope you do it gently. He's very vulnerable these days.
Meemaw: You're friends now?
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, I wouldn't say friends, but I could see, over time, you know, we might-

Dr. John Sturgis: Now, give me your best price on one of these with a cup holder.

Meemaw: I thought I could do it, uh you know, date both of you, but I-I can't, I can't, I just I'm not cut out for it.
Ira Rosenbloom: Okay, suggestion. And maybe you've already thought of this but what do you say you break up with him and only see me?

Mary: Would you ever take Ira back?
Meemaw: I don't know. He's sweet as he can be, but there's just something about John. He's like a cute little teddy bear, you know? A brilliant, bicycle-riding teddy bear. I don't even understand half of what he says. But when he's not around, I just miss him.
George Sr.: Sounds like you're falling in love.
Meemaw: Maybe I am.

Dr. John Sturgis: Uh, what's going on?
Meemaw: Uh, can I call you back?
Ira Rosenbloom: I look forward to it.
Meemaw: You shouldn't.

Ira Rosenbloom: Rosenbloom's Fine Furniture. Ira speaking.
Meemaw: Why are you sending me furniture?
Ira Rosenbloom: I've decided I can't go away quietly. I'm fighting for your love.
Meemaw: With a dinette set?
Ira Rosenbloom: Oh, this isn't just any dinette set. It's our biggest seller. And it's not pressed wood It's oak!
Meemaw: Ira, I don't like this.
Ira Rosenbloom: Would you prefer a leather sectional?

Dr. John Sturgis: Your feelings are understandable. Connie is a remarkable woman.
Ira Rosenbloom: Yes, she is. But, again, I'm sorry. I should never have called you weird. I mean, eh, it was rude.
Dr. John Sturgis: I've been called much worse. A professor once called me ostrobogulous. I had to look that one up.
Ira Rosenbloom: What's it mean?
Dr. John Sturgis: That I'm a weirdo.