Adult Sheldon: The following day, I returned to school. I had no choice but to fulfill my swimming requirement. Much like Batman, I suited up and faced my fears. Unlike Batman, I did it with a doggy-paddle across the shallow end of the pool. Uh, regarding pool sanitation, it turned out I was right. It was teeming with germs. Only I was the one who put them there. As it happens, my interaction with Billy Sparks did get me sick. I, in turn, created a small epidemic taking down 128 students, four teachers and one principal. It didn't stop there. I also infected my mother, father, sister, brother, Meemaw and Meemaw's friend Dale. The newly established boundaries of friendship helped keep Dr. Sturgis healthy. However, in an unrelated incident, he crashed his bike into some garbage cans. Luckily, he landed on his recently acquired athletic cup.
Dr. John Sturgis: That was a wise purchase.

Principal Petersen: Sorry, Sheldon. Water safety is a required part of your P.E. class.
Sheldon: But other kids use that pool. It's basically a big bowl of teenager soup.
Principal Petersen: It's out of my hands. It's a state requirement. If you don't like it, take it up with your congressman.
Sheldon: I did. He won't return my calls.
Principal Petersen: Then I guess you're swimming tomorrow. [manic laughter, thunder clap and lightning]
Adult Sheldon: Except for the laughter, the glowing eyes and the lightning, that's exactly how it happened.

Adult Sheldon: In many ways, a high school is like an academic house of horrors. There's the cafeteria, which when even freshly cleaned, maintains a subtle aroma of tater tots and throw-up. The schoolyard, where one is exposed to bullying by delinquents and attacks from above by eye-pecking demons. [bird tweets] But all of these pale in comparison to the most horrific location of all. A place teeming with the sweat and secretions from hundreds of unwashed bodies. The swimming pool.

Adult Sheldon: Observation is an important part of the scientific method. Darwin observed the finches, Jane Goodall observed the chimpanzees, and for some reason, Dr. Sturgis wanted to observe my meemaw's new suitor.

George Jr.: First of all, you got to cough even when Mom's not in the room.
Sheldon: Got it. [coughing]
George Jr.: And don't put the thermometer in the tea. 114 fever is a giveaway.
Sheldon: Smart.
Missy: Told you.
George Jr.: Oh, don't be afraid to let her look in your throat. She's checking to see if it's red, but it's always red.
Sheldon: You are good.
George Jr.: Here, try spitting up a little phlegm.
Sheldon: [clears throat, sniffs, splutters]
George Jr.: We got work to do.

Mary: You want to get comfy on the couch and watch your Star Trek tapes?
Sheldon: No, thank you.
Mary: I know what'll make you feel better. [singing] Soft kitty, warm kitty Little ball of fur Happy kitty Sleepy kitty Purr, purr, purr Soft liar, warm liar Little ball of fib Happy liar, sleepy liar Fib, fib, fib. Feel better?
Sheldon: Uh-uh.

George Jr.: Mom says you're sick.
Missy: [whispering] He's faking.
George Jr.: Really? [closes door] Why? You love school.
Sheldon: Swim test.
George Jr.: Oh, sure. You would die.

Dale: Now, don't fill up on those. We still got two giant cookies to finish.
Meemaw: I'm sorry about all that stuff with John. I- He means well, but sometimes he can just be, uh a little quirky.
Dale: Yeah, I kind of figured that; yeah, I watched him play ping-pong with his own crotch.
Meemaw: I don't know what that is, but I'm sure he did it.

George Jr.: If you're gonna do this, let me give you some pointers.
Sheldon: You've done this before?
George Jr.: Tell him.
Missy: Oh, he's the master. He coached me through my last two sore throats.
Sheldon: I slept on the couch during those.
Missy: I know.

Missy: Just pretend to be sick.
Sheldon: But that would be lying. I'm not a liar.
Missy: Well, you better be a swimmer. Or a drowner.

Sheldon: I'm being forced to swim tomorrow in P.E.
Missy: Poor baby. You have to play in a pool instead of sit in a classroom.
Sheldon: A pool of sweat, germs and dead skin cells.
Missy: Still better than learning.
Sheldon: Maybe it's time for me to run away from home and join a traveling math club.

Meemaw: [answering phone] Hello.
Dr. John Sturgis: I may have made a questionable, uh, decision regarding our friendship.
Meemaw: What have you done, John?
Dr. John Sturgis: I went to the sporting goods store to check out your new fella.
Meemaw: Did you speak to him?
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, yes. In fact, he sold me an athletic supporter to protect my genitals.
Meemaw: Good. You may want to be wearing that next time I see you.
Dr. John Sturgis: Okay.

Dr. John Sturgis: I'm a little nervous. You're the first ex-girlfriend I've ever been friends with. And you're also my first ex-girlfriend. And that's because you-
Meemaw: How about you just think of me as your friend?

Dale: Georgie, I want you to keep an eye on that weirdo over there.
George Jr.: I know that weirdo. He used to date my meemaw.
Dale: That guy?
George Jr.: Yeah, he's, like, super smart.
[As Dr. Sturgis hits the cup he's positioned over his private parts with a ping pong racket]
Dale: I'm not sure I believe you.

Dale: Howdy. Can I help you?
Dr. John Sturgis: No, no, just browsing.
Dale: Yeah, well, any particular sport you might need that for?
Dr. John Sturgis: Depends. What the heck is it?
Dale: It's a cup.
Dr. John Sturgis: A cup? What kind of a cup has holes in it?
Dale: Well, it protects your private parts.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, I can see how that might be useful. Well, this has been very informative.
Thank you.

Mary: Boy, Sheldon is really worked up about this whole swimming thing.
George Sr.: Don't you think he should learn for his own safety?
Mary: You really think he's ever gonna go near a body of water?
George Sr.: Yeah. Well, it's only a matter of time before someone throws him in one.

George Sr.: Come on, Jesus. This is for your birthday. Help me out.

Mary: Okay, calm down. Now, you listen to me, you shouldn't have lied. It's always wrong. But you made up for it by telling me the truth.
Sheldon: So, you forgive me?
Mary: I do, but I need you to do me a favor. As far as your father is concerned, you were sick.
Sheldon: Isn't that lying?
Mary: Honestly? No.

Mary: Okay. Shelly, can you turn the TV off for a second?
Sheldon: But after this commercial break, Professor Proton is going to use a candle to suck a hard-boiled egg into a milk bottle.

Sheldon: Mom.
Mary: Oh, baby. What are you doing out of bed?
Sheldon: I don't need to be in bed. I'm not sick.
Mary: What?
Sheldon: I lied to you so that I wouldn't have to take the swim test.
Mary: You lied?
Sheldon: I feel terrible about it.
Mary: Well, you should feel terrible. I trusted you.
Sheldon: I'm sorry. It's just that I was so afraid to get in that pool, so I let Georgie and Missy teach me how to fake it. They said it was easy, but it's wasn't. It really wasn't.
Mary: Georgie and Missy taught you how to do this?
Sheldon: I cannot tell a lie they sure did!

Dale: Oh, I didn't think it was that big a deal.
Meemaw: Well, it is. He and I are friends, and if you don't stop makin' fun of him, you and I are gonna have a problem.
Dale: Are you saying that I'm being naughty, and you're threatening to punish me? 'Cause I might like that. Uh-huh. See, you're tryin' to be mad at me and you can't.
Meemaw: Now you are getting punished.
Dale: Check, please!

Dale: What's going on? You okay?
Meemaw: Actually, no. I don't like the way you've been talkin' about John.
Dale: I was kidding around.
Meemaw: Well, it bothered me.
Dale: Wait a minute, hold it, hold, hold, hold. Your weirdo ex comes sneaking around, checking me out, and all of a sudden, I'm the bad guy here?
Meemaw: You don't get to call him a weirdo.
Dale: You don't think he's a weirdo?
Meemaw: Of course he's a weirdo. You just can't say it.

Dale: My grandson's trying to steal home, and he trips and he falls and lands face-first on the plate, lost a tooth, we won the game. Get this. He finds the tooth two days later when he goes to the bathroom. [Meemaw is silent] That's it? You don't understand. He found the tooth-
Meemaw: I got it.

Batman: Young man. Yes, you. Pretending to be sick. You should be ashamed of yourself!
Sheldon: But I was afraid to go in the pool.
Batman: You are in a pool. A pool of your own deceit. If my mother were alive, I'd never lie to her. And I'd always eat her soup.

Dale: Well, I mean, how'd you meet this guy? What, did you try to steal his pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?
Meemaw: Okay, okay, he's a very sweet man.
Dale: Well, I bet he is.
Meemaw: If you must know, he's Sheldon's college professor.
Dale: Smart, short and weird well, that's the whole package right there.
Meemaw: Hey, okay, that's enough.
Dale: Well, I got to ask. Do you feel like you're dating a supermodel right now?

Dr. John Sturgis: So, I understand you're seeing someone new. Tell me everything.
Meemaw: No!
Dr. John Sturgis: I assumed that, uh, as friends, we could tell each other about our personal lives.
Meemaw: Trust me, John, you-you don't want to hear about these things.
Dr. John Sturgis: Actually, I do. Your happiness is very important to me.
Meemaw: Oh, what the hell. His name is Dale. He owns a sporting goods store. And we've only been out a few times, but so far, so good.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, that sounds wonderful. Good for you.
Meemaw: Thank you.
Dr. John Sturgis: Now, would you like to hear about the women I'm dating?
Meemaw: You're dating other women?
Dr. John Sturgis: Heavens, no.

George Sr.: Ooh, is that for your patient?
Mary: Yes. He's still under the weather.
George Sr.: Oh, that's too bad. Running a fever?
Mary: No.
George Sr.: Sniffly nose?
Mary: No. But he couldn't even bring himself to watch his Star Trek show.
George Sr.: Oh, dear. I better go call an ambulance.
Mary: You're not funny.
George Sr.: And he ain't sick.

Billy Sparks: Hi, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Hello, Billy. I hear you're not feeling well.
Billy Sparks: I'm not. I have a cold.
Sheldon: That's too bad. Put her there.
Billy Sparks: Why?
Sheldon: Just shake my hand, Billy.
Billy Sparks: But my mom says that's how germs get spread.
Sheldon: I know.
Billy Sparks: You do? When did you talk to my mom?
Sheldon: Just, eh- [Sheldon grabs Billy's hand and rubs it over his face] Ugh!
Billy Sparks: Wait, want to play? Aw.

Adult Sheldon: I had lied to my mother and gotten away with it. The guilt was more than I could take. I had to make this right. I could confess and break my mother's heart, or I could turn my lie into the truth and actually get myself sick.

Coach Wilkins: Really? Cooper's out sick? What a baby.
Mr. Givens: Really? Cooper's out sick? Oh, baby!
Ms. Ingram: Hallelujah!
Ms. MacElroy: Happy birthday to me.

Meemaw: Hmm. "I overstepped the bounds of friendship. Sorry. John." [answering phone] Hello?
Dale: So, why in the hell would your ex-boyfriend send me a giant cookie?

George Sr.: Doesn't this all seem a little convenient?
Mary: You think he's faking it?
George Sr.: Today's the swim test. It's pretty suspicious.
Missy: Sheldon just coughed up something gross in a tissue.
Mary: See? And that's why he's staying home.
George Sr.: Mary, come on.
Mary: No, I am not changing my mind. My little boy is not a liar.

Mary: Well, break it to him gently.
George Sr.: Wait. Me?
Mary: Swimming's a sport, and you're a sports person.
George Sr.: And he's a mama's boy, and you're his mama.

Mary: How about we do it together?
George Sr.: Fine, but you can't hang me out to dry.
Mary: Of course not.
George Sr.: We're a team. We're in this together, right?
Mary: You bet.
George Sr.: [to the baby Jesus] She's gonna hang me out to dry.

Sheldon: Ugh!
Pool: Why don't you like me?
Sheldon: You're full of bacteria.
Pool: So are you, but you don't hear me saying, "Ugh." It's rude. Look, I may just be pool water, but I still have feelings.
Sheldon: Sorry, water.
Pool: Come on. My pH level is 7.4, and with three parts per million of chlorine, I'm cleaner than your daddy's plate after Thanksgiving dinner.
Sheldon: Wow. That's pretty clean.
Pool: Look how clear I am, Sheldon. You can see all the way to the bottom. Closer. A little closer. A little closer. Gotcha!
[Sheldon wakes up in bed:]
Sheldon: Pool monster!

George Sr.: We'll make it quick. Go ahead.
Mary: Your father has something to tell you.
George Sr.: Your mother wants you to swim.
Mary: George!
Sheldon: Mom!

[Sheldon walks down the hallway, walks into his bedroom, stands beside his bed, and meekly punches his mattress]
Missy: That was the lamest tantrum I've ever seen.

Missy: [to Sheldon] Welcome to the dark side.

Sheldon: [coughs] I don't feel well.
Mary: What's wrong, baby?
Sheldon: I don't know. I just feel awful.
Mary: Well, there is something going around. Billy Sparks got some kind of bug.
Sheldon: That is consistent with what I said. Good. [weak cough]
Mary: You're staying home today. I'll go make you some tea.