Paige: You're being weird, and not in the usual way. Guess that's my life now.
Sheldon: What do you mean?
Paige: Everyone is acting weird. My mom is going on dates and my dad is acting like a child. My sister's crying all the time. I just wish that everything could go back to the way it was. I don't think it will.
Adult Sheldon: It turned out I was really good at listening. The trick is to sit there, and when you want to leave, don't.
Paige: I have to live in two separate houses. And my grandma says the meanest things about my dad. I know that everyone is upset that I'm not doing well in school. It's just hard to care. Everything that used to seem important to me just doesn't anymore. So I guess, really, I just feel alone.
Sheldon: That sounds hard.
Paige: Yeah, it is.

Adult Sheldon: Dr. Sturgis was right. There was nothing I could do to fix this, or so I thought.
Sheldon: Can I offer you a hot beverage?
Paige: That would be nice.
Sheldon: Be right back.
Adult Sheldon: The "Hot Beverage of Comfort" would become my go-to method of dealing with someone in emotional distress. And it always worked. Except when my wife was in labor, where it was suggested I throw it in my own face.

Sheldon: I didn't see any bow ties, just a shirt with a bad word on it. What did you put in your pocket?
Paige: Nothing.
Sheldon: Are you guys stealing? Because if you are, I am prepared to literally blow the whistle on you.

Paige: Why are you taking a backpack to the mall?
Sheldon: This is my mall safety kit. Earplugs to drown out crowd noise, Wet-Naps to wipe down escalator handrails, a compass, a map of the mall, and a whistle, in case I get lost or approached by a woman holding a perfume bottle.
Missy: You want to stuff him in there, right?
Paige: No. [nods]

Sheldon: [on the phone] How do I make her understand that being smart is the best?
Dr. John Sturgis: Might I suggest, instead of trying to fix her problem, you just listen? When I was in the psychiatric ward, I learned that people who are struggling emotionally often just need to be heard.
Sheldon: Hmm. Sounds difficult, but I suppose I could try.
Dr. John Sturgis: Another thing I learned in the hospital is that some people believe there are weird mole men living in tunnels deep inside the earth.
Sheldon: Well, this has been mostly helpful.
Dr. John Sturgis: And you're mostly welcome.

Dr. John Sturgis: [on the phone] What's on your mind?
Sheldon: Do you ever wish that you weren't smart?
Dr. John Sturgis: So I would be short, lonely and stupid? No, that seems worse.

George Sr.: Well, I was thinking you and I could go grab a burger.
George Jr.: Why?
George Sr.: 'Cause I thought it'd be a nice thing to do.
George Jr.: Which restaurant?
George Sr.: Why does it matter?
George Jr.: Well, McDonald's burgers are fried, and sometimes I like flame-broiled.
George Sr.: Fine, we can go to Burger King.
George Jr.: I don't like the fries at Burger King. Ooh, Arby's has those curly fries. Shoot, they don't have burgers.
George Sr.: [tersely] Then let's go to Whataburger.
George Jr.: Okay, but I hope you're not this cranky the whole meal.
George Sr.: [exhales]

Sheldon: This isn't the Hello Kitty store.
Paige: No. It's Hot Topic.
Sheldon: What's the topic, devil worship?
Missy: Hey, did you know there's a bow tie section in the back?
Sheldon: Why would they hide that in the back? [exits]

George Sr.: What you doing?
Sheldon: Paige is feeling sad, so I'm making her a hot beverage.
George Sr.: Oh. You're a good kid. I'm proud of you.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Adult Sheldon: Of all my accomplishments, I don't know why he singled this moment out, but I'm glad he did.

Dr. John Sturgis: [on the phone] John Sturgis at your service.
Sheldon: Dr. Sturgis, Sheldon Cooper.
Dr. John Sturgis: Hello, Sheldon. How are you doing?
Sheldon: Confused, upset, annoyed, and potentially in trouble with the law.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, in which order would you like to handle this?
Sheldon: Let's start with confused, but if we hear sirens approaching, we'll jump ahead.

George Jr.: What's wrong with that?
Meemaw: Your dad is a grown man. He doesn't want his kid giving him money.
George Jr.: So he's glad I'm making money, but I'm not allowed to use that money to help him out? I don't get it.
Meemaw: Well, someday, when you have a bunch of sweaty, mullet-headed kids running around, you will.
George Jr.: Oh, I ain't never having kids.
Meemaw: Well, that's the smartest thing I ever heard you say.
George Jr.: Thank you.

Meemaw: You swim here?
George Jr.: Dad kicked me out of his truck. I had to walk back.
Meemaw: [chuckles] What dumb thing did you say or do?
George Jr.: How do you know I'm the one who did something dumb?
Meemaw: 'Cause you kind of shine at it.
George Jr.: All I did is offer to pay to fix his AC.
Meemaw: And there it is. Dumb.

Missy: Let's just get out of here.
Sheldon: Good. Everyone behind the counter has an earring where an earring does not belong.

Coach Wilkins: You ever tell him you're proud?
George Sr.: He knows.
Coach Wilkins: I think it's important for children to hear it.
George Sr.: You don't even have kids.
Coach Wilkins: I teach and coach teenage boys. I also put up with your childish nonsense.
George Sr.: Georgie's just being so damn disrespectful, I don't want to reward that.
Coach Wilkins: All right.
George Sr.: My father never said he was proud of me. I turned out just fine.
Coach Wilkins: George, I'm just trying to have a nice day, make some white folks uncomfortable. Can you please?

Mary: Okay, Paige, where should we go to get your backpack?
Paige: The Hello Kitty store.
Sheldon: I would help you find it, but this subpar mall map isn't even oriented north.
Missy: Let's go.
Mary: All right, have fun at the Hello Kitty store, and meet me at the fountain in half an hour.
Sheldon: Just to be clear, there are no actual kitties, right?

Sheldon: Paige, you're supposed to be doing science with me.
Paige: That's boring. I want to do something dangerous.
Sheldon: This is dangerous. We don't have an eye wash station.

Mary: Apparently she's taking the divorce really hard. I guess she's been having trouble in school.
Meemaw: Aw, poor thing.
Mary: Linda thinks Sheldon might be a good influence, you know, maybe rub off on her a little bit.
George Sr.: What, she wants her kid to be more like Sheldon? I don't know what to say about that.

Billy Sparks: Hi, Mr. Cooper!
George Sr.: Billy. What are you doing? [turns engine off]
Billy Sparks: I'm mowing the lawn. What are you doing?
George Sr.: Did Georgie put you up to this?
Billy Sparks: Yeah. He's paying me.
George Sr.: That dummy.
Billy Sparks: I'm raising the money to buy a Jet Ski.

Paige: Let's go to the mall.
Sheldon: Mom doesn't like the mall.
Missy: She says the mannequins don't have enough clothes on, but I think it's 'cause we're poor.
Sheldon: We are poor. I do our taxes.

Mary: You look great, by the way.
Linda: Oh, thanks. I started smoking again.

Adult Sheldon: I had survived a perilous trip to the accessory store, but it turned out, the real accessory was me.

Mary: Guess who is getting a divorce.
Meemaw: About time. Congrats.

Mary: So, good news. Paige is gonna spend the weekend with us.
Adult Sheldon: My history with Paige brought up complicated feelings. She challenged me. She disturbed me. She enraged me. Things were simpler for my simple-minded sister.
Missy: Yay!

Paige: Yeah?
Sheldon: I'm listening.
Paige: To what?
Sheldon: To you.
Paige: I'm not saying anything.
Sheldon: Well, if you wanted to say anything, I'd be listening.
Paige: But I don't want to say anything.
Sheldon: And I don't want to be listening, but here we are. Are you feeling better yet?

Mary: Shelly, I got you something.
Sheldon: The Professor Proton Science Kit! Wait a minute. Last time you gave me a present for no reason, I had to get a booster shot.
Mary: Nothing like that. I was just thinking, it might be a fun thing for you to share with Paige.
Sheldon: Sharing. Sometimes I feel like you don't know me.
Mary: Paige is having a rough time at home right now, and I think she could really use a friend.
Sheldon: A crocodile could really use a meal, but that doesn't mean I should leap into his mouth.
Adult Sheldon: This was the woman who cut the crusts off my sandwiches. She had me.
Sheldon: Into the mouth I go.

Dr. John Sturgis: [on the phone] Why do you ask?
Sheldon: Do you remember Paige?
Dr. John Sturgis: Of course, brilliant little girl.
Sheldon: I know, but she says that she doesn't want to be smart anymore.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, perhaps she's experiencing some sort of identity crisis. Is it possible her ex is dating someone who seems better for her in every imaginable way?
Sheldon: I'm confused.
Dr. John Sturgis: So am I.

George Sr.: Why haven't you mowed the lawn?
George Jr.: I been busy.
George Sr.: Well, you're not busy now.
George Jr.: I'm working out. Got the word "work" right there in it.

George Sr.: Get out there and mow.
George Jr.: Why? I'm making good money. I don't need an allowance, so I don't need to do chores.
George Sr.: It's not about that. You're part of this family, you still need to help out.
George Jr.: So I'm just here to do your bidding?
George Sr.: Well, and people say Sheldon's a genius.

Sheldon: I can't believe you stole.
Paige: You walked out with it. You stole.
Sheldon: Why would I steal glitter? I already have a sparkling personality.
Paige: Tell it to the cops.
Sheldon: Or your cellmate.

George Jr.: If it's about money, I've got money. It can even be a loan if it makes you feel better.
George Sr.: Don't you dare.
George Jr.: You said you're proud of my job. I don't think you are.
George Sr.: You know what? Forget lunch. Let's just go home.
George Jr.: Smart. Save some money for your truck.
George Sr.: That's it. You're walking.

George Sr.: Anyway, what I wanted to say is, even though I'm not loving your attitude lately, I think it's great you got this job and y-you're doing so well at it. I'm proud of you.
George Jr.: All right.
George Sr.: That's all you have to say?
George Jr.: Well, maybe if I wasn't sweating my balls off, I could think of something else.
George Sr.: Just stick your head out the window.

Linda: I mean, I'm thrilled that he's gone, but I do worry about how it's affecting Paige.
Mary: Of course.
Linda: You and George have such a beautiful family. I think it's good for her to be around that right now.
George Sr.: [enters] Oh. Hey. Nice to see you. Sorry about the divorce. I got to go yell at my idiot son. [shouting] Georgie! Where are you?

George Sr.: No more coffee?
Meemaw: Last cup.
George Sr.: Well, you mind making more?
Meemaw: I just sat down.
George Sr.: But you finished the pot.
Meemaw: George, if I wanted to make a cup of coffee, I'd have stayed at my house. Mmm.
George Sr.: One day I'm gonna put you in a home, and I'm gonna smile just like that.
Meemaw: That's fine. By then I won't know who you are anyway.

George Sr.: I can't imagine talking to my dad the way this kid talks to me. I'd have had a belt on my backside so fast...
Coach Wilkins: My dad was a hugger.
George Sr.: I had to tell him three times to mow the lawn, and he still gave me attitude.
Coach Wilkins: He's going to school, holding down a job. If he was my kid, I'd be proud of him.
George Sr.: I am proud of him. When he's not being a total pain in my ass.

George Sr.: What the hell's wrong with you? You think it's okay for Billy Sparks to do your work?
George Jr.: I paid him. I tried to give him two dollars, but he only wanted one.
George Sr.: Damn it, Georgie, I'm trying to teach you responsibility. You can't just buy your way out of everything in life.
George Jr.: You sure? 'Cause I'll give you ten bucks to leave me alone right now.

Mary: I just want to remind you both to please be sensitive about the situation with Paige's family.
Missy: She's talking to you, dingus.
Mary: Both of you.

Paige: Ooh.
Missy: What's that?
Paige: Body glitter.
Missy: That's so much better than regular glitter.

Paige: Hi, Missy. Hi, Sheldon.
Sheldon: What did you do to your hair? Is this because your parents got divorced?
Mary: [sighs]
Missy: Dingus.

Sheldon: 'You're so smart. Why are you acting like this?
Paige: Maybe I don't want to be smart.
Sheldon: I have to sit down.
Paige: Being smart sucks. It's the reason we moved here from Arkansas, a-and my parents never yelled at each other before that. It's just better to be normal.
Missy: It works for me. But I also have good cheekbones.

Missy: I'd rather have pink hair than together parents.
Paige: I don't blame you.

Paige: Don't worry. I'll ask her. Ever since my parents got divorced, people can't say no to me.
[cut to:]
Paige: My mom promised she would take me to the mall to get me a new backpack, but she was so busy cleaning my dad's stuff out of the garage that I think she forgot.
Mary: Oh. Of course I can take you. Anything you need.
Paige: Thank you, Mrs. Cooper.
Missy: [quietly] Will you marry me?

Missy: Ow. Ow. Is there a way to do this so it doesn't hurt?
Paige: No. Beauty is pain.
Missy: Boy George must really suffer.
Sheldon: Missy, I need a moment with Paige.
Missy: Make it quick. I'm only half-beautiful.