TV Quotes

Howard: And then Andy said if we want privacy, we should plant some trees. The only way I know how to do that is to give a dollar and tree shows up in Israel.

Stuart: Whoa, whoa. You're not gonna cut open a meteor, are you? Have you not learned anything from comic books? Space viruses? Pod people? I sell nothing but warnings.

Stuart: Yeah, this one made me go for ice cream and talk about her day. Spoiler alert: it was fine.
Amy: It wasn't fine. I got trapped in an elevator.
Sheldon: I may have missed a few details. The bottom of my cone was drippy.

Sheldon: Are you saying I'm standing on an unpermitted deck?
Howard: It's been here for years, Sheldon. It's fine.
Sheldon: How did the inspector not flag this when he came to check out your bathroom renovation?
Howard: Uh...
Sheldon: Are you telling me that I have showered in an uninspected bathroom?
Bernadette: You showered in our house?
Sheldon: You made me hold your children. What did you expect me to do?

Bernadette: Oh. That is bright!
Howard: Yeah, a new neighbor put in floodlights.
Bernadette: Huh.
Howard: So, shall we?
Bernadette: No. I don't want to take my robe off under a spotlight. This is a candle body.

Sheldon: Are we done talking about Howard's failed conjugal relations? I have an actual Nobel Prize crisis to deal with.
Raj: Has anything changed since the last time you talked about it?
Sheldon: No.
Howard: Is there anything you can do about it?
Sheldon: No.
Raj: Then shut up or go wait in the car!

Nathan: Now, how can I help you?
Bernadette: Our neighbor built a balcony that looks right into our backyard, and we're trying to see if there's anything we can do about it.
Nathan: Well, you have come to the right place. You know, a lot of people handle this type of thing online, but I always say nothing beats the human touch. Oh, but don't worry. I'm not gonna actually touch you. We had quite the informative meeting on that.
Bernadette: We just want a little privacy in our backyard.
Howard: You know, for (clicks tongue)... Maybe we should've done this online.

Howard: We spent half the day down at the city planning office, and didn't solve a thing.
Bernadette: Now we have to go back tomorrow.
Sheldon: The planning office? You lucky ducks.

Sheldon: Is one of the forms the 599B/C? Because, if so, it has a doozy of a typo.
Howard: I don't know.
Sheldon: All right, well, I don't want to spoil anything, but you might want to start practicing your "siglature."

Leonard: Don't make it sound childish. It's the scientific word for dust.
Penny: What was wrong with "dust"?

Penny: Are you sure you're not just a little jealous?
Leonard: No. It's just, my way is better, but they won't even consider it.
Penny: Oh, well, it's their loss. Look, why don't you go to bed. I'll run out and get you some medicine.
Leonard: Ah, it's okay. Stuart gave me some when I was at the comic book store.
Penny: Really? You're taking medicine from Stuart? Doesn't he need, like, all of it?

Howard: See what I'm talking about?
Sheldon: Oh, yes. Oh, that is textbook encroachment. And I know because I have the textbook.
Amy: First edition.

Bernadette: Watch what happens when you move.
Sheldon: Oh! Oh, boy, you weren't kidding. Oh, those are 10,000 lumens if they're a lumen.
Howard: Well, you know what they say: when life give you lumens, make lumen-Ade. [chuckles]
Sheldon: Was that a joke?
Howard: Yes.
Sheldon: Based on the premise that "lumen" sounds like "lemon"?
Howard: Yes.
Sheldon: [chuckles] That's hilarious.

Amy: So, I guess you're not gonna help them?
Sheldon: Oh, I'm gonna help them. Help them get on the right side of Johnny Law.
Amy: Oh, you can't turn them in. The city's gonna make them rip out all the work they've done and do it over. It would be the end of your friendship.
Sheldon: What choice do I have? These are the rules.
Amy: Sheldon, I am begging you. Please, don't do this.
Sheldon: You know who doesn't get permits for their decks? Animals.
Amy: Animals don't have decks.
Sheldon: Oh, really? I have one word for you: beavers.

Sheldon: Hello.
Nathan: Hi! Welcome to the zone zone.
Sheldon: [chuckles] Oh, that's funny! Hey, I also have a joke for you. Lumen-Ade. Maybe I told it wrong.

Nathan: Well, how can I help you?
Sheldon: If I know someone in violation of the building code, should I turn them in?
Nathan: Interesting question.
Sheldon: Yeah, I know. Because, on the one hand, Confucius says we owe a greater responsibility to people we're close with rather than to society at large. But, on the other hand, Socrates says that we're obligated to obey all laws, even unjust ones.
And then, furthermore, if we're entertaining rules about when it's okay to break the rules, I should-- where does it end?
Nathan: Well, for me, it ends at 5:00.
Sheldon: Well, I just-- I don't know what to do.
Nathan: All I can tell you is that the building codes are there for everyone's safety.
Sheldon: Oh, so you're saying I have no choice but to turn them in.
Nathan: I did not say that.
Sheldon: But would you? And remember that I laughed at your "zone zone" joke.
Linda: It's not even a joke!
Sheldon: Oh, is that Linda back there?
Nathan: Yeah.
Sheldon: Aw. How are her hot flashes? Any better?

Howard: So, what's up?
Sheldon: I went down to the city Code Compliance Office to turn you in.
Howard: Are you kidding?
Sheldon: But I didn't do it. I filled out the form and then realized that the unwritten rules of friendship are more important than the written rules of the city of Altadena's Zoning and Planning Department.
Bernadette: Aww.
Howard: Really, "aww?"

Howard: This is just delightful.
Bernadette: Do you think he knows we're the ones that got him in trouble?
Howard: Who cares?
Bernadette: I do. I met his wife. She seems really nice.
Andy: Sorry about the noise, neighbor!
Howard: No problem!
Andy: Hey, you guys know a Sheldon Cooper?!
Bernadette: No, we do not!

Stuart: Let me just lock up here.
Denise: Okay. So what do we do?
Stuart: Uh, well, if this is a worst-case scenario and we're the last two people alive, we're gonna, we're gonna have to rebuild civilization.
Denise: Do you have any special skills?
Stuart: I can draw. How 'bout you?
Denise: I can play clarinet.
Stuart: Oh, I didn't know that.
Denise: Yeah, ten years.
Stuart: Ah. You know, it, uh, might also be up to us to repopulate the Earth.
Denise: I'm okay with that.
Stuart: So shall we?
Denise: Wait here. I'm gonna brush my teeth.
Stuart: Sorry, we're closed!
Sheldon: This is going on Yelp!