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‘Pilot’ Quotes

Young Sheldon: Pilot

101. Pilot

Aired September 25, 2017

When nine-year-old Sheldon Cooper starts high-school in his football-loving, God-fearing East Texas town, he must adapt to a world where intelligence isn't always rewarded.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Per the student dress and grooming code, this boy's hair is too long. This boy's wearing sports attire outside a designated area. And this girl's blouse is diaphanous, which means I can see her brassiere.

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Quote from Sheldon

Mary: You understand that some people are going to be intimidated by you, because of how smart you are?
Sheldon: Or maybe they'll recognize my intellect and make me their leader.

Quote from Sheldon

Mary: How about we lose the bow-tie?
Sheldon: Why?
Mary: Look around, honey. No of the other kids are wearing one.
Sheldon: Well, perhaps I'll start a fad.

Quote from Sheldon

Pastor: In Matthew nine, verse four, Jesus said, "Why would you entertain evil thoughts in your hearts?"
Sheldon: Do you have evil thoughts?
Mary: Ssh.
Sheldon: I just don't think this part applies to me.
Mary: That's fine. Be quiet and listen.
Sheldon: I'm only nine years old. Most evil doesn't start till puberty.

Quote from Mary

Sheldon: Mom, when should I be expecting my testicles?
Woman: What is wrong with him?
Mary: Nothing is wrong with him. Now turn around before I knock your lights out.
Sheldon: Hello.

Quote from Missy

Missy: All I know is, he's not in the same grade as me any more. And I'm thrilled.

Quote from Sheldon

Ms. MacElroy: What?
Sheldon: Also in violation of the grooming code on page 48, article five, subsection B, you have a bit of a mustache.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: Jane Goodall had to go to Africa to study apes. I just had to go to dinner.

Quote from Mary

Mary: Lord, look after my son. Don't let him get stuffed in a gym bag.

Quote from Missy

Missy: Why can't we watch Duck Tales?
Sheldon: Because we don't learn anything.
Missy: It's TV! We aren't supposed to learn.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: I was exploring dimensional kinematics.
George Jr.: Admit it. He's adopted.
Sheldon: How can I be adopted when I have a twin sister? Think, monkey, think.

Quote from Sheldon

Mary: That's enough. Now, let's pray.
Sheldon: A moment please.
George Sr.: Hmm.
Mary: Leave him be.
George Sr.: He can hold hands with his family. It won't kill him.
Sheldon: We don't know that.

Quote from Sheldon

Mary: Everybody excited to start school Monday?
Sheldon: I am.
Missy: I guess so.
Mary: Georgie? Freshman year, that's a big deal.
George Jr.: How can I be excited when he's gonna be in the same grade as me?
Sheldon: Don't worry, Georgie. I'm not planning on being in the ninth grade for very long.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: (Observing the older kids outside the High School) Oh dear.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Georgie, did you wash your hands before dinner? Or even this week?
George Jr.: None of your business.
Sheldon: Hence the mittens.

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: That was the first time I held my father's hand. I wouldn't touch my brother's hand until seventeen years later, thanks to the invention of Purell.

Quote from Sheldon

George Sr.: You're not gonna make it in this school if you keep ratting people out.
Sheldon: But they were breaking the grooming codes and the dress codes. I saw one boy with a t-shirt that said *leaning in and whispering* "Bite me".
George Sr.: Yeah, that's terrible.
*Sheldon nods*

Quote from Adult Sheldon

Adult Sheldon: I've always loved trains. In fact, if my career in theoretical physics hadn't worked out, my backup plan was to become a professional ticket taker. Or hobo.

Quote from Missy

Sheldon: Good luck with your finger painting.
Missy: You're gonna get your ass kicked in high school.
Mary: (flicks Missy on the head) Hey!

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: What the hell were you doing out there?
Mary: George, language.
George Sr.: What language?

Quote from Sheldon

George Sr.: Did you ever wonder why we moved from Galveston to Medford?
Sheldon: I tend to worry about the bigger questions.
George Sr.: Okay. Well, here's why. Your Dad had a real good coaching job and I saw some grown-ups breaking rules.
Sheldon: What'd they do?
George Sr.: I-It's kind of complicated, but football coaches aren't allowed to recruit kids from other high schools to play on their teams.
Sheldon: And you told on them?
George Sr.: Yeah. You know what happened?
Sheldon: Justice descended on the rule breakers?

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: I'm not going to be assaulted. High school is a haven for higher learning.
George Sr.: Oh, dear God.

Quote from Mary

Sheldon: Hey, mom, look. That girl's pregnant.
Mary: Congratulations.

Quote from Missy

Sheldon: Do you have evil thoughts?
Missy: I'm having one right now.
Sheldon: Really? What is it?
Missy: When we get home, I'm gonna kick your little balls.
Sheldon: You can't. They haven't descended yet.

Quote from Sheldon

Mary: Shelly, it's your last day of summer. Go out and enjoy it.
Sheldon: But I have to learn the student handbook. Ooh, did you know extreme hairstyles, goatees and mustaches are not allowed?
Mary: I didn't.
Sheldon: I personally find that very reassuring.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: I smell ammonia. They must've done a thorough cleaning recently. I like that.

Quote from Sheldon

Ms. Fenley: You have perfect pitch.
Sheldon: Okay.
Ms. Fenley: Sweetheart, you should really pursue music.
Sheldon: No, thank you. Musicians take drugs. Is there a faculty restroom I could use?

Quote from Sheldon

Billy Sparks: Hey, Sheldon!
Sheldon: Hello, Billy Sparks. Hello, Matilda Sparks.
Billy Sparks: I heard you're going to high school tomorrow.
Sheldon: I am. You're going to have to find someone else to torment on the playground.
Billy Sparks: "Torment"?
Sheldon: (sighs) It means to maliciously harass.
Billy Sparks: "Her ass"? (chuckles) That's funny.
Sheldon: Well, this was nice.
Billy Sparks: [holds chicken close to Sheldon's face] Hey, doofus! (squawks)
Sheldon: Mom!

Quote from Mary

Sheldon: I'll go with you, Mom.
Missy: Why are you going? You don't believe in God.
Sheldon: No, but I believe in Mom.
Mary: I'll take it.

Quote from Missy

George Jr.: Can I drive in with you?
George Sr.: Sure.
Missy: Everybody's gonna know he's your brother. It's gonna be awful for you.
George Jr.: Tell her to shut up.
George Sr.: She's not wrong.

Quote from Missy

Mary: George Junior, give me back that bow-tie right now!
George Jr.: I didn't take it!
Mary: Don't you lie to me!
George Jr.: I'm not lying!
Mary: We'll see about that.
George Jr.: Stay out of my room!
Missy: She's gonna find your dirty magazines.
George Jr.: Shut up!
Missy: You are not having a good day.

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: I got fired, Sheldon. And I got a bad reputation.


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