Sheldon: State troopers. I wonder what they want.
Adult Sheldon: It turns out they wanted me. Fun fact, this was one of seven times I was brought home by law enforcement once, on the back of a horse.

Sheldon: And then they grounded me. Can you believe it?
Clara: Yes.
Sheldon: But I didn't do anything wrong.
Clara: You did everything wrong. You were nothing but rude and ungrateful.
Sheldon: You really think so?
Clara: The only selfish person in that story is you.
Sheldon: There's a Star Trek episode called "The Devil in the Dark" where the miners thought the Horta was the monster, but actually the miners were the monsters because they were killing its eggs. Are you saying it's like that?
Clara: Sure.

Sheldon: That robotics lecture's going to be eye-opening. Get ready to forget everything you know about robot communication.
Meemaw: Moon Pie, I don't know if we're gonna go to this thing.
Sheldon: Why not? We've established that you're free, and I'm a child, so my schedule's wide open.
Meemaw: It's complicated.
Sheldon: Well, we're just sitting here, and we have to talk about something.
Meemaw: Can you just let this one go?
Sheldon: I think we both know the answer to that question.

Sheldon: Tam, I need help navigating a social situation.
Tam: I'm eating lunch with you. You think I have the answer?
Sheldon: Dr. Linkletter invited me to a lecture on robotics, but my meemaw said he's only doing it to spend time with her.
Tam: Are you asking if men do sketchy things to get dates?
Sheldon: Yes.
Tam: Well, then, I can help you. Absolutely. Last week, I told Jessica Geiger I was an extra in Karate Kid Part II.
Sheldon: Did it work?
Tam: Again, I'm having lunch with you.

Sheldon: Hello. Am I correct that the bus to Dallas has a stop in Rusk?
Stan: Yup.
Sheldon: I'd like to buy one ticket, please.
Stan: You need an adult to buy it.
Sheldon: Oh, I didn't know.
Stan: That's the rules.
Sheldon: I'm just trying to visit my friend in the hospital. Not the regular kind of hospital, a psychiatric hospital. He's actually a brilliant scientist in the field of theoretical physics. Dr. John Sturgis, you may have heard of him. Anyway, he's a great guy. We're almost the same height... And then he and my meemaw became a romantic item, not that there haven't been bumps in the road. I actually helped them by writing up a relationship agreement. I love drawing up contracts. But I don't love drawing. Interesting. Anyway, he doesn't drive. Maybe one day he'll take a bus and you'll get to meet him. Anyway... Even though I'm clearly her favorite grandchild, she swatted my bottom. It didn't hurt that much physically, but emotionally, it stung like the dickens.
Stan: Here you go. One ticket to Dallas with a stop in Rusk.
Sheldon: But that's against the rules.
Stan: I'm an adult, I bought it.
Sheldon: Ooh, a loophole. Thank you. I'd tell you all about the etymology of the word "loophole," but I have a bus to catch.

George Jr.: What can I say? I'm entrepreneurialistic.
Veronica: Is that a word?
George Jr.: I don't know. But if you got a lot of money, you get to make stuff up.

Clara: Anyone sitting here?
Sheldon: No.
Clara: Aren't you a little young to be traveling alone?
Sheldon: Yes, but I'm quite a capable traveler. I've memorized the entire bus schedule for the state of Texas. Ask me anything.
Clara: No, thanks.
Sheldon: Okay, but if at any point you'd like to know what time the bus from Waco arrives in Houston, ask away. 4:15, except on Fridays when they make a local stop in Huntsville.
Clara: No wonder this seat was empty.

Meemaw: There are certain grown-up dynamics taking place here that you, you might not be aware of.
Sheldon: Well, I like quantum-chromodynamics and thermodynamics; perhaps I'll like grown-up dynamics. Tell me.
Meemaw: I'm just saying that Dr. Linkletter might be paying special attention to you so he can become better friends with me.
Sheldon: Why?
Meemaw: You're just gonna have to trust me on this one.
Sheldon: Are you saying he doesn't really want me at this lecture?
Meemaw: No, I'm just saying he really wants me at this lecture.
Sheldon: But that's illogical. He knows you're in a relationship with Dr. Sturgis.
Meemaw: And now we're back to it's complicated, so drop it.
Sheldon: I'll try, but dropping things is not where I shine.

Meemaw: There must be a book on Morse code in here somewhere.
Mary: Okay, where do we look?
George Sr.: I don't know.
Missy: I know how to use the card catalog.
Mary: Go, go!
Meemaw: [to George] You're just useless, aren't you?

Missy: Hey.
Mary: Hey, baby, where's Sheldon?
Missy: I don't know, he left.
Mary: He left? Where'd he go?
Missy: He wouldn't tell me, but he wrote it in this weird letter.
Mary: When did he leave?
Missy: An hour ago.
Mary: An hour?!
Missy: I told him not to go.

Sheldon: Mom! Meemaw swatted me on the bottom!
Mary: What? Why?
Sheldon: I wanted something, and then she said no, and then I called her selfish, and then she went crazy!
Mary: Let me call her.
Missy: Really? You don't want to thank her in person?

Sheldon: Did you have tuna for lunch or do you just smell like that all the time?
Clara: What?
Sheldon: Did you have tuna for lunch or do you smell like I heard it.
Clara: I'm just wondering who raised you.
Sheldon: My mother and father, and I suppose my meemaw.
Clara: Well, they don't seem like they're doing a great job.
Sheldon: Tell me about it. It's been quite the week.
Clara: I'm sure I'll regret this, but how so?
Sheldon: Before I tell you the story, how much do you know about the mathematics of robotic communication? That's okay. I'll put it into terms a bus lady can understand. There's a wide range of protocols used for inter-robotic...

Mary: You were very rude to your grandmother.
Sheldon: Dad's rude to her all the time.
George Sr.: That is not... the point.

Missy: "I knew you were going to open this the moment I left. To slow you down I've shrouded my destination in code." What a dork.

Meemaw: Dots and dashes, maybe it's Morse code.
George Sr.: [rushing in] Where is he?
Mary: We think this is Morse code. What does it say?
George Sr.: Gee, I don't know.
Meemaw: What do you mean you don't know? You were in the Army.
George Sr.: Yeah, so? Can't do a push-up, either.
Meemaw: Well, that's a separate problem.

Dr. Linkletter: Uh, Sheldon, if you're interested, an old friend of mine is giving a lecture next week on the mathematics of robotic communication.
Sheldon: Really?
Dr. Linkletter: Yes. If your grandmother's willing to drive you, maybe we can all go. Make a night of it.
Sheldon: Oh, we'll be there.
Meemaw: Uh-uh-uh, wait, we-we don't even know what night it is.
Dr. Linkletter: Thursday.
Meemaw: Oh. Thursday might be a problem for me.
Sheldon: Thursday's perfect for you.
Dr. Linkletter: Wonderful.
Meemaw: You don't know that.
Sheldon: Yes, I do. Mondays you have bowling, Tuesday's water aerobics, Wednesday, salsa dancing, Fridays, you bring me here. Your Thursday was wide open, but not anymore. We'll see you then.

Mary: Dot, dot, dot.
George Sr.: Uh, "S."
Meemaw: Got it.
Mary: Dot.
George Sr.: "E."
Meemaw: All right.
Mary: Another dot, dot, dot.
George Sr.: Uh, "S" again.
Meemaw: Okay.
Mary: What do we have so far?
Meemaw: "I am taking a bus. Fun fact about buses"
George Sr.: You got to be kidding me.
Mary: Oh, Lord.
Missy: Come on!

Meemaw: I've got it. He's headed to Rusk. He's going to the hospital to see John.
George Sr.: I'll call the police.
Mary: Hurry!
Missy: Is Sheldon going to jail?
Mary: No!
Missy: Damn it.

Sheldon: I think you all understand why I wanted to show you this.
George Sr.: No.
Sheldon: It's an apology. I was the miners, you were the Horta.
Meemaw: How about just saying, "I'm sorry"?
Sheldon: Wow, you're really not getting this. Let's watch it again.

George Jr.: Hey, Veronica.
Veronica: What was that about?
George Jr.: Just conducting a little business.
Veronica: Careful. When my sister sold stuff at school, she ended up in juvie.

Adult Sheldon: Teachers have always been impressed by me. And my new college professor was no exception. You'd think it was my once-in-a-generation intellect. But it was more than that. There was my wicked sense of humor.
Dr. Linkletter: ...explained by maximizing entropy. Yes, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Entropy. It isn't what it used to be.
Adult Sheldon: Plus, when things got heavy, I was always ready with a fun fact to lighten the mood.
Sheldon: Fun fact: Did you know that the ancient incas stored bureaucratic records on knotted strings called "quipu"? Q-U-I-P-U. Quipu.
Adult Sheldon: Whatever the reason, I was clearly his favorite student.
Dr. Linkletter: Connie, what a treat it is to see you.
Adult Sheldon: Look at him smile. He couldn't get enough of me.

George Sr.: Uh, you order something from the Mountain View Candy Company?
George Jr.: Oh, yeah. Thanks.
George Sr.: The hell is it?
George Jr.: A big old box of candy. [closes his bedroom door]
Missy: [opens her bedroom door] What's all this about candy?

George Jr.: Hey? What you buying?
Preston: M&Ms?
George Jr.: Cool. Peanut or plain?
Preston: Am I in trouble?
George Jr.: You are if you waste your money on that machine.
Preston: What?
George Jr.: I'm selling the same stuff for half the price.
Preston: Cool. Oh, you got Abba-Zabas?
George Jr.: Do I have Abba-Zabas.
Preston: ... Do you?
George Jr.: Yeah.

Dr. Linkletter: [answering phone] Grant Linkletter.
Sheldon: [whispering] This is Sheldon Cooper. I'm speaking quietly because I'm calling from a library.
Dr. Linkletter: [whispering] Hello, Sheldon. Nice to hear from you.
Sheldon: Why are you whispering? Are you in a library?
Dr. Linkletter: Good point. [clears throat, speaks normally:] How can I help you?
Sheldon: My meemaw doesn't want to take me to the lecture because she thinks that you're just using me to spend time with her.
Dr. Linkletter: I see. Well, you're an intelligent young man. What do you think?
Sheldon: I think she's wrong, and you invited me because you know I appreciate the subject matter.
Dr. Linkletter: Exactly right. You're even smarter than I thought.
Sheldon: I knew it. [to Tam] My meemaw couldn't be more wrong.
Kid: Shh!
Sheldon: Oh, like you were reading a book anyway.

Sheldon: Good news. You can take me to the lecture after all.
Meemaw: Why is that?
Sheldon: I told Dr. Linkletter everything you-
Meemaw: Stop. Come inside.
Sheldon: Why?
Meemaw: 'Cause there's kids in this neighborhood who don't need to hear the language I'm about to use.

Meemaw: What, exactly did you say to Dr. Linkletter?
Sheldon: [quietly] I said Hello. This is Sheldon Cooper. I'm speaking quietly because I'm calling from the library. [normally] And he said-
Meemaw: Get to the point.
Sheldon: He's not using me to spend time with you. He said so. You're wrong.
Meemaw: You had no business calling him, Sheldon.
Sheldon: You seem upset. Are you embarrassed because you were wrong?
Meemaw: No.
Sheldon: Are you sure? I would be.
Meemaw: I'm not wrong. He's lying to you, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Interesting. I don't know who to believe.
Meemaw: Really? You're gonna believe some guy you barely know over your own grandmother?
Sheldon: Well, one of them said I'm really smart, and one of them's yelling at me right now.

Meemaw: We're done talking about this. And I'm not taking you to that lecture!
Sheldon: But I really want to go.
Meemaw: Too bad!
Sheldon: You are incredibly selfish.
Meemaw: Excuse me?
Sheldon: You just care about what you want. You don't care about what I want. You're selfish. How come your eyes stopped blinking?

George Jr.: Hey, you look like a Kit Kat man.

Veronica: Georgie. "Before you get mad, this only cost me ten cents."
George Jr.: I saw you smile.
Veronica: Go away, Georgie.
George Jr.: You can eat it or wear it, it's up to you.

George Jr.: I'm interested in getting some jewelry.
Susan: Well, sure, what's the occasion?
George Jr.: There's a young lady, and I'd like to get her something special.
Susan: Well, aren't you sweet?
George Jr.: I like to think so.
Susan: So what are you looking for? A necklace, ankle bracelet, uh, earrings?
George Jr.: Hmm. Tough to choose between her neck, ankles and ears. They're all smokin' hot.

George Jr.: You sure you're only a freshman? 'Cause you got the sophisticated taste buds of a junior.

Adult Sheldon: The world had stopped making sense. A grown-up had lied to me, my meemaw and I were at odds, I was in trouble with my parents. I had to find a way to restore balance.

George Jr.: Veronica.
Veronica: Oh, hey.
George Jr.: Come here. I got something for you.
Veronica: Ooh, is it candy?
George Jr.: No, but it is pretty sweet.
Veronica: Georgie, what did you do?
George Jr.: Just open it.
Veronica: This looks expensive.
George Jr.: It was. Check out the price tag.
Veronica: $100?
George Jr.: And that's without tax.
Veronica: I can't accept this.
George Jr.: B-But I bought it for you.
Veronica: Well, you shouldn't have.
George Jr.: I don't get you. I went out of my way to buy you something nice and you don't even want it.
Veronica: Georgie, it's too much. I mean, you're not gonna impress me by throwing money around.
George Jr.: You sure? In "Material Girl," Madonna loves it.

Clara: So how old is this professor friend of yours?
Sheldon: 73 and a half.
Clara: And why are you going to see him?
Sheldon: Because everything made sense before he went away, and now no one's on my side.
Clara: So you think only a person in a mental hospital can understand you?
Sheldon: Correct.
Clara: That's the first thing you've said that sounds right.

George Jr.: Let me tell you the move: You mix a bag of these with a bag of these mm, heaven.
Derek: You just want me to buy two bags.
George Jr.: I just want you to be happy.
Derek: Fine.
George Jr.: And now I'm happy.

Meemaw: You're asking me out in front of my grandson so I can't say no.
Dr. Linkletter: You saw through that.
Meemaw: You think you're pretty smart.
Dr. Linkletter: Well, I do have two PhDs and a date with you on Thursday.

Meemaw: [to Dr. Linkletter] Can I speak to you for a moment? [to Sheldon] The grown-ups need to talk.
Sheldon: That wasn't made clear.

Mary: Do you have anything to say for yourself?
Sheldon: Yes. I really wanted to go to this lecture, and I understand that I upset Meemaw very much. So which one of you will be taking me?
Mary: No one's taking you.
George Sr.: You're not going, Sheldon.
Sheldon: You two are even more selfish than Meemaw.
[cut to Sheldon in his bedroom:]
Missy: How long you grounded for?
Sheldon: A month.
Missy: That sounds right.

Mary: Okay, so how do we read it?
Missy: I'd say ask Sheldon, but he left after I clearly said not to.

Missy: Does he really think these facts are fun?
Mary: Not now.