George Jr.: I think the saddest part about it is just how sad it is.

Adult Sheldon: As you can see, my meemaw successfully lured me back into the world by reminding me of my brave Texas ancestors. Their blood ran through my veins. I was a true son of the Lone Star State. Albeit a true son with an incredibly fragile immune system. I woke up the next morning with a temperature of 102 and a head packed full of mucus.

Meemaw: Mind if I take a crack at catching the Road Runner?
Mary: What are you gonna do that I couldn't do?
Meemaw: Oh, a little trick I learned trying to get prairie dogs out of the hole. Of course we'd whack off their heads with a golf club. I'm not gonna do that to Sheldon.

Adult Sheldon: I've been called a germophobe, but I do find a single sneeze acceptable. It could be caused by dust, allergies. Really, whatever nasal irritant floats your boat. However during flu season a second sneeze means a plague is upon the land, and it's every man for himself.

Meemaw: Mary, I'm gonna run and go get my video camera. Don't catch him till I get back.

Adult Sheldon: Enjoy this. It is, by far, the most athletic two minutes of my entire life.

Vanessa: Where's your brother?
George Jr.: Home.
Vanessa: Is he okay?
George Jr.: Yeah, he's just- Actually, it's not looking good for him. He might not make it.
Vanessa: Oh, that's terrible.
George Jr.: I know. I love him so much. If anything ever happened, I don't know what I'd do.
Vanessa: Aw. [reaches out and holds Georgie's hand, Georgie smiles]

Mary: It's not funny.
Meemaw: Oh, come on, now. Sheldon in detention? That's funny.

Meemaw: Just when you think he's gonna zig, you get a big old zag.

Mary: [sings] Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr.
Sheldon: Sing it again, Mom.
Mary: First, blow your nose.
Sheldon: [blows nose]
Mary: [sings] Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr.

Meemaw: Listen to me, buster.
Sheldon: Okay.
Meemaw: You are a lot of things, Sheldon. You are cute, smart, hygienic. But most of all you are a Texan.
Sheldon: So?
Meemaw: So Texans aren't afraid of nothin'! Rattlesnakes, Indians, the Mexican Army. Do you imagine that Sam Houston was scared of a little old cold?
Sheldon: No.
Meemaw: Jim Bowie?
Sheldon: No.
Meemaw: Sissy Spacek?
Sheldon: I guess not?
Meemaw: You're damn right, because they're Texans through and through. Now I want you to quit hiding in this plastic bubble, and I want you to come out here and eat your cookies out in the world like a man! Like a Texan man!

Sheldon: Why do you keep smiling?
Mary: You need to look at your mask, baby.
Sheldon: Missy!

Sheldon: Hello. I'm here for detention. Where is the teacher?
Ned: Not here yet.
Sheldon: Oh. I have three dollars. Feel free to share it with the others.

Mary: I'm impressed.
Meemaw: Me, too. I thought I'd lost him at Sissy Spacek.

Meemaw: Oh, Moon Pie, I've got a little treat for you.
Sheldon: Chocolate chip?
Meemaw: Mm-hmm, right out of the oven.
Sheldon: Good. That means they're sterile.

Meemaw: Oh, Lord, I think I'm gonna wet myself.

Principal Petersen: Now, I understand Sheldon is an exceptional child, all right, but when he willfully disobeys the order of a teacher, there needs to be some consequences here.
George Sr.: Oh, we couldn't agree more.
Mary: What kind of punishment are you thinking?
Principal Petersen: Well, Mary, in a case like this, a few days of detention.
Mary: Really? That seems a little harsh.
George Sr.: Oh, detention's no big deal. Now, my principal used to whup my ass with a paddle. That got my attention.
Principal Petersen: Oh, yeah. Those were the days. Still have mine. Ah, Ol' Spanky. Whoa.
George Sr.: Got a real nice grip on that thing.
Principal Petersen: Yeah, George. Had the equipment manager over at the Astros make this for me. The holes in it cut down on wind resistance.
George Sr.: Smart.
Principal Petersen: But these days you have to have a consent form to whack the kids. I don't know where this world's headed.
George Sr.: You ought to get one of those for when Georgie acts up. Like you never thought about going upside his head with a slab of wood.
Principal Petersen: You know, there was a time this thing gave me tennis elbow.

Mary: I hate to say it, but I think we need help with this.
George Sr.: Like what?
Mary: Maybe we could take him to that nice doctor who calmed him down when he was convinced he had an enlarged prostate?
George Sr.: Sheldon only calmed down when the doctor told him what happens in a prostate exam.
Mary: Poor thing. Still talks about it.

Sheldon: I have detention tomorrow, and I thought you could give me some tips.
George Jr.: That was pretty badass, you walking out of class like that.
Sheldon: It was not my intention to be bad "A" word, but thank you.

Ms. MacElroy: A simile directly compares two things, using the words "like" and "as". "I slept like a log." "I'm hungry as a horse."
George Jr.: "Your love is like bad medicine."
Ms. MacElroy: Exactly.
George Jr.: That's Bon Jovi.
Ms. MacElroy: Okay.
George Jr.: His hair is awesome.
Ms. MacElroy: Moving on.

Sheldon: Have you ever been in detention?
Tam: No. But I do take the school bus. And that is no party. It's like a mental hospital on wheels.
Sheldon: That's a good use of simile.
Tam: Thanks. Well, I'll see you tomorrow. I hope.

Dr. Eberland: Sheldon, you have nothing to worry about. Even if you did get the flu, it's usually over in a week.
Sheldon: Why are we getting medical advice from a man who smokes?
Mary: Sheldon.
Dr. Eberland: O-Okay, I have patients who are actually sick. Maybe we should wrap this up.
Sheldon: How come you don't get sick all the time?
Dr. Eberland: Well, I take precautions. I wash my hands, I wear gloves and a mask.

Mary: Sheldon's not sick, but he has become overly concerned with getting a cold or the flu.
Dr. Eberland: Well, any symptoms. Runny nose, achy, sore throat, fever?
Mary: No.
Dr. Eberland: All right, well, Sheldon, if you do catch a cold, or even the flu, it's not the end of the world.
Sheldon: The flu was the end of the world for half a million Americans during the influenza epidemic of 1918.
Dr. Eberland: Really?
Sheldon: In India, 17 million people died.

George Sr.: I actually think it'd be good for him. He needs to learn he's not special.
Mary: But he is special.
George Sr.: You know what I mean. He can't just walk out of a classroom 'cause he feels like it.
Mary: He was worried about catching a cold. That is a legitimate concern. And now he's in danger of being mugged by a roomful of hoodlums.
George Sr.: He's not getting mugged. It's half a dozen kids doing homework while a teacher watches 'em.
Meemaw: Although it might not hurt to give Sheldon a few dollars to buy himself some protection.
George Sr.: That's actually not a bad idea.

Sheldon: What's going on?
Missy: I'm not feeling so good. [COUGHS LOUDLY]
Sheldon: Biohazard! Biohazard! [Sheldon jumps out of bed, runs out of the room]
Missy: Sucker.

Sheldon: What are you doing?
George Jr.: Nothing.
Sheldon: Is that chewing tobacco?
George Jr.: It's chocolate Bazooka. What do you want?

Mary: Come here. I know you don't believe in this, but I'm gonna do it anyway. Lord, I pray for my son Sheldon that you protect him from all illness and disease, and keep him healthy and keep him safe, and protect him from his head to his toes, inside and out. Amen.
Sheldon: You're right. I don't believe in that. But it did feel good. Thanks.
Mary: In the Bible, that's called a hedge of protection.

Sheldon: Excuse me. Do I look like I'm getting sick to you?
Diane: You look a little pale.
Sheldon: Okay, good, that's normal.

Meemaw: Look at that. St. Mary drinking alcohol.
Mary: God saw what just happened. He gets it.

Mary: Not so funny now, is it?
Meemaw: No. How long is he suspended for?
George Sr.: A week.
Mary: And it goes on his permanent record.
Meemaw: Well, that's no big deal. I had all kinds of stuff on my permanent high school record. Didn't stop me from being a bartender for eight years.

George Sr.: I think the real issue we need to deal with is his germ phobia.
Meemaw: Oh, yes, you don't want him turning into Howard Hughes. Growing his nails out. Peeing in a jar.
George Sr.: Why would he pee into a jar?
Meemaw: I don't know why he peed in a jar, I just know he did.

Mary: Sheldon! You can't run away from me forever.
Sheldon: I don't have to do it forever. Just till you get tired.

Mr. Givens: All right, losers, you know how this works. One hour, no talking, no horseplay. Sheldon?
Sheldon: Hello, Mr. Givens.
Mr. Givens: Why are you here?
Sheldon: I didn't want to catch a cold from Ms. MacElroy, so I left her classroom without a hall pass.
Mr. Givens: Well, something is going around. I actually had a little tickle in my throat.
Sheldon: Okay, time to go. Nice meeting you.
Mr. Givens: Whoa, what-what are you doing?
Sheldon: You've heard of fight or flight? This is flight.

Mary: Shelly, baby, please come on out.
Sheldon: I can't.
Mary: Come on. I'm your mommy. Do it for your mommy.
Sheldon: No.
Mary: But I'm your mommy.
Meemaw: [LAUGHING] Y'all are killing me. [LAUGHING]: "I'm your mommy."

Mary: If you're not gonna help, please go inside. This is not a show.
Meemaw: Now that's where I disagree.

Sheldon: Would you prefer a piece of paper? I have some in my briefcase. It's here if you change your mind.

Sheldon: Mom?
Mary: Yes, Shelly.
Sheldon: Can you close the door? I need to use the sink.

Mary: Shelly, if you don't mind me asking, what's your long-term plan here?
Sheldon: I'm working on the math to turn the garage into a self-sustaining ecosystem.
Mary: Okay. And what exactly does that mean?
Sheldon: Well, all I need is sunlight and a few seeds to grow unlimited food which I'll fertilize with my own feces.
Meemaw: This just gets better.

George Sr.: I think I'll take the kids to school.
Mary: I'm sure he'll be out by the time you get home.
George Sr.: Not sure why you think that, but okay.

George Sr.: It's ridiculous. I'm I'm gonna take it down.
Mary: No, you can't force him out of a phobia.
George Sr.: What do we do? He can't live in there.
Mary: Well, actually, he can. He's got the refrigerator and a sleeping bag.
Meemaw: And he can always go potty in the sink.

Mary: Thank you for seeing us, Doctor.
Dr. Eberland: No problem. So, what do you got today, Sheldon? Rickets? Rabies? Early-onset menopause?
Sheldon: Is he making a joke?
Mary: I believe so.
Sheldon: Humorous.

Mary: Sheldon?
Sheldon: Yes.
Mary: The door's locked. Can you open it?
Mary: No. What on earth?
Sheldon: Hello.
Mary: What are you doing?
Sheldon: I made a real germ-proof hedge of protection.
Mary: Oh, honey, you can't stay in there.
Sheldon: I've got a refrigerator, I've got my sleeping bag, and anything else I need I can make out of Legos.
Mary: What's with the Halloween costume?
Sheldon: In case of a breach.
Mary: Stay right there.
Sheldon: That's my plan.

George Sr.: Where you going?
Mary: I'm gonna give Sheldon a list of chores.
George Sr.: You're actually taking my advice?
Mary: Yes.
George Sr.: Well, how about that?
Mary: Hey, you were due.
Missy: Proud of you, George.

George Sr.: He still has to spend his day doing chores. Can't sit around playing with his trains.
George Jr.: Yeah, put him to work. Good parenting, Dad.
George Sr.: Oh, I'm glad you approve.
George Jr.: I do.

Missy: We have to go to school, and Sheldon doesn't? That's not fair.
Mary: Sure it is. Sheldon loves school and can't go. You hate school and have to. Fair.

George Jr.: The only thing you need to worry about in detention is staying close to the teacher. If he leaves the room, you go with him.
Sheldon: Why?
George Jr.: 'Cause you're gonna get your "A" word kicked.
Sheldon: Are you saying I'll be in physical danger?
George Jr.: It's all the worst kids in school in one room for an hour. What do you think's gonna happen?
Sheldon: I thought we were gonna spend the time regretting our actions and thinking about how we could be better in the future.
George Jr.: Well, you thought wrong. Get lost.
Sheldon: You're both mean and nice to me. It's confusing.

Mary: Sheldon, why are you still up?
Sheldon: We're all gonna die! This isn't funny.
Mary: I know, baby, I know. But you need to understand that sometimes the news says those things just to scare people.

Missy: [after drawing on Sheldon's face mask] So pretty.

Mary: Doctor, Sheldon is afraid to go to school because he might get exposed to some kind of bacteria or virus.
Dr. Eberland: So he's got a phobia?
Sheldon: It's not a phobia if the threat is real. You're a doctor, you should know that.

Ms. MacElroy: Where do you think you're going?
Sheldon: Away from you.
Ms. MacElroy: Why's that?
Sheldon: I want to live.
Ms. MacElroy: I'm not sick. Get back in your seat.
Sheldon: No, thank you.
Ms. MacElroy: You know the rules. You can't leave without a hall pass.
Sheldon: May I have a hall pass?
Ms. MacElroy: No, you may not. Now get back in your seat.

Adult Sheldon: Rules are the pillars of society. I love rules. But what benefit are rules to a dead man?