Meemaw: You're not gonna get much out of Fred and Wilma here. Why don't you just get crackin' on the kids?

Mary: A little late for me to start cooking. Why don't we stop somewhere for dinner.
George Sr.: Really? The five of us? That's kind of pricey.
Meemaw: Would you rather buy a fishing boat?
George Sr.: You're a blabbermouth, you know that?

Dr. Edward Pilson: Anything else?
Sheldon: What exactly are we doing here? I thought the purpose of this study was to find out how smart I am.
Dr. Edward Pilson: That's what we're doing, but there are different kinds of intelligence.
Sheldon: Poppycock! There's only one kind of intelligence.

Sheldon: A lion sitting in a chair, holding a pipe.
Dr. Edward Pilson: Good. But what do you think is on his mind?
Sheldon: How should I know? Maybe he's wondering why he's posing for a silly picture instead of eating a gazelle.

Dr. John Sturgis: So, some colleagues of mine at the university are doing a research study on twins. I told them about Sheldon and his sister, and they were most intrigued.
George Sr.: Uh, what kind of study?
Dr. John Sturgis: It's a longitudinal investigation of environmental and genetic factors in the development of cognitive and other capacities in pairs of fraternal and identical twins.
Meemaw: You asked.

George Sr.: Well, geez, I don't I don't know if I want some scientists pokin' and proddin' the kids.
Meemaw: Oh, but they wouldn't be poked and prodded. They just have to, you know, answer some questions.
Dr. John Sturgis: And maybe some puzzles and tests.
George Sr.: That's not too bad. Where is it?
Dr. John Sturgis: Houston.
George Sr.: Oh, it just got bad. That's that's a long drive.
Dr. John Sturgis: It does pay $50 an hour plus gas and expenses.
George Sr.: Really?
Meemaw: I told you to start with that.

Dr. John Sturgis: Boy, this brings back some memories.
Sheldon: How come?
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, when I was your age, I was also taken to a university to be studied.
Sheldon: Because they thought you were really smart?
Dr. John Sturgis: Because they thought I was clinically insane.

George Sr.: Listen, why don't we just go there this Saturday and give it a try?
Mary: And if you don't like it, we don't have to do it again.
George Sr.: Or they'll love it, and they'll do it till they're 18, 19 years old.
Sheldon: I already love it.
George Sr.: My man. Missy? I believe there might be a Dairy Queen on the way there.
Missy: Can I get an Oreo Blizzard?
George Sr.: You know what I think? I think you're smarter than him.

Dr. Edward Pilson: Okay, Sheldon, this first battery of tests measures basic problem-solving abilities.
Sheldon: Is the Kaufman test or the Wechsler Intelligence Scale?
Dr. Edward Pilson: Are you familiar with those?
Sheldon: It's embarrassing, but I enjoy a little light reading in the bathroom.

Meemaw: I think they found his kryptonite.

George Jr.: Can we put on Soul Train?
George Sr.: Why?
George Jr.: There's a girl on there I kind of want to marry.

Mary: Well, to be perfectly honest, Sheldon has always avoided children his own age.
George Sr.: Tell 'em about temper tantrums.
Mary: They're not temper tantrums, he just has strong opinions.
Meemaw: [CHUCKLES] Yeah, like when you yell and stomp your feet, and slam the door off its hinge. They're scientists. You can't trick 'em.

Dr. John Sturgis: He's like a young version of me, but without corrective shoes.

George Sr.: Well, a couple of scientists at the college where Dr. Sturgis teaches are doing a research study on twins. They want to meet you guys, ask you some questions.
Sheldon: Oh, boy, a research study. Will they give us written tests?
George Sr.: Yeah, I think so.
Sheldon: Oh, boy.

Mary: I do not like what this study is doing to Sheldon.
George Sr.: What're you talking about? He had a great time.
Mary: All the way home all he could talk about is how that doctor thought he was so smart.
It's not healthy.
George Sr.: Would it make you feel any better if I told you how much money we made today?
Mary: No, it would not.
George Sr.: $300.
Mary: Really?
George Sr.: Cash.
Mary: Okay, well, still, I I'm not interested in profiting off my children.
George Sr.: You see, honey, that's where you and I are very different.

Missy: What you watching?
George Jr.: Soul Train.
Sheldon: I like trains.
George Jr.: It's not that kind of train, dummy.
Sheldon: Well that seems like false advertising.

Dr. Edward Pilson: Sheldon, what do you think is happening in this picture?
Sheldon: Easy. There are four chimpanzees in a living room.
Dr. Edward Pilson: Okay, but what can you tell me about them?
Sheldon: They're not behaving like chimpanzees.
Dr. Edward Pilson: Anything else?
Sheldon: Chimpanzees don't drink tea.
Dr. Edward Pilson: Is that it?
Sheldon: Well, I suppose it might be coffee, but they don't drink that either.
Dr. Edward Pilson: Anything interesting about their body language?
Sheldon: No.

Dr. Sandra Thorpe: Missy, what do you think is happening in this picture?
Missy: The girl monkey on the couch is telling the guy monkey a secret. Must be something juicy, 'cause he's smiling.
Dr. Sandra Thorpe: Anything else?
Missy: It might be dirty, 'cause this girl monkey is sending the kid monkey out of the room. He doesn't want to go. He looks sad.
Dr. Sandra Thorpe: Is that all?
Missy: The monkeys on the couch are drinking tea, so it's a tea party.
Dr. Sandra Thorpe: Okay, very good. Let's look at another picture.
Missy: I'm not done. The monkey in the painting is wearing an old lady hat, so she's probably a meemaw monkey. She's not at the party, so she must be bowling or dead.

Mary: Did you have fun?
Sheldon: I got to take a test on a Saturday, heck yeah!

George Sr.: Take your time, baby. The meter's running.

Sheldon: Hot dog, syllogisms. "If all squares are parallelograms, and all squares are rectangles, then some parallelograms are rectangles." Who was this test made for, children?

George Sr.: Well, Missy won that round.
Dr. John Sturgis: It's actually not a contest, George.
George Sr.: This is Texas. Everything's a contest.

Dr. John Sturgis: Clever girl. That would accentuate her buttocks!

Sheldon: A woman in a doorway.
Dr. Edward Pilson: Anything else?
Sheldon: She's holding her head with her hand.
Dr. Edward Pilson: And what do you think that means?
Sheldon: Um, Wouldn't you rather ask me about trains going to St. Louis?

Mary: What do you think, baby?
Missy: I pick Red Lobster.
Mary: You got it.
George Sr.: Damn. There goes our per diem.

Sheldon: Get it! Get it!
Missy: It's just a spider. Calm down.
Sheldon: It's got eight legs and fangs. I see no reason to be calm.

George Sr.: No. See, Mary, that's the best part There's no pokin' and proddin'.

Mary: But Sheldon's already self-conscious about being different from other kids. I worry how this might affect him.
George Sr.: You're being too protective. He's a rock.
Mary: A rock? Are we raising the same child?

Dr. Sandra Thorpe: Was there anything unusual about your pregnancy?
Mary: No, not that I remember.
George Sr.: Really? You cried for, like, seven months.
Mary: Those were tears of joy. [WEAK LAUGH]
George Sr.: What about all those times you punched me?
Mary: Punches of joy.

Dr. John Sturgis: Did you know that when Albert Einstein was a little boy, his parents worried there was something wrong with him?
Missy: Because he couldn't comb his hair?
Dr. John Sturgis: No, that was a choice he made later in life. When he was young, he wanted nothing to do with other children, and would often have extreme temper tantrums.
Missy: He sounds like you.
Sheldon: I know. Isn't it great?

Sheldon: Did you kill it?
Missy: Yup.
Sheldon: Are you sure?
Missy: You tell me. [pointing the shoe at Sheldon]
[Sheldon screams and runs away]

Adult Sheldon: The bond between twins is an incredibly close one, which is why I moved 1,500 miles to California the first chance I got.

Dr. Sandra Thorpe: Um, if you two wouldn't mind waiting here, we'd like to start by talking to your mom, dad, and grandma.
Missy: Why?
Dr. Edward Pilson: Just to get some background information on the both of you.
Sheldon: Smart. Ask how old I was when I completed potty training. You won't believe it.

George Jr.: Why don't they want to test me?
George Sr.: Georgie, not now.
George Jr.: 'Cause I'm available.

Missy: Oh, she's very upset. I don't know why. Oh! Maybe she wasn't invited to the tea party at the monkey house. Also, she's wearing a belt, like you are. Nice going. Very cute. And I'm loving the hair.

Dr. Sandra Thorpe: You are an insightful young lady.
Missy: I don't know what that means, but thank you.
Dr. Sandra Thorpe: It means perceptive. You see things most people miss.
Missy: My name is Missy go figure.

Missy: Hey, what's up with you and Dr. Pillsbury?
Dr. Sandra Thorpe: Dr. Pilson? I don't know what you're talking about.
Missy: Oh. You can't say 'cause we're on camera. Insightful.

Dr. John Sturgis: Dr. Thorpe and Dr. Pilson, here are your research volunteers, Sheldon and Missy.
Dr. Edward Pilson: So nice to meet you.
Dr. Sandra Thorpe: Thank you for participating in our study.
Sheldon: Always happy to help advance our understanding of me.
Missy: I'm just in it for the Dairy Queen.

Missy: This question about a train going to "S" "T" Louis makes no sense.

Missy: George, you got a minute?
George Jr.: What's up?
Missy: Not you, him.
George Sr.: What?
Missy: Sheldon told me that we get paid to go to that college and answer their questions.
George Sr.: Yeah, so?
Missy: I want to know how much we're making.
George Sr.: Why?
Missy: 'Cause I want my fair share.
George Sr.: Is that so? What do you think your fair share is?
Missy: Half.
George Sr.: Hm, guess that sounds right.
Missy: So how much are we making?
George Sr.: $7.50 a week.
Missy: Really?
George Sr.: Really.
Missy: Well, I want half that.
George Sr.: Which is?
Missy: Hang on. Sheldon!

Sheldon: Kudos on the question "Which train gets to St. Louis first?"

Dr. Sandra Thorpe: Okay, Missy, the first thing we're gonna do is test your problem-solving ability.
Missy: Okay.
Dr. Sandra Thorpe: You ready?
Missy: I just have one question.
Dr. Sandra Thorpe: What's that?
Missy: Do you always wear your hair up?
Dr. Sandra Thorpe: Uh, well, usually at work, yes.
Missy: I bet it looks cute down.
Dr. Sandra Thorpe: Thank you. Okay, you're all set.
Missy: Is that camera gonna be on?
Dr. Sandra Thorpe: Yes.
Missy: Can you move it over to that side?
Dr. Sandra Thorpe: Why?
Missy: If I've learned one thing from school picture day, it's that I look better from that side.
Dr. Sandra Thorpe: Sure, I'll move it.
Missy: Okay. And bring it a little closer.
Dr. Sandra Thorpe: How's that?
Missy: Great.
Dr. Sandra Thorpe: Okay. Whenever you're ready.
Missy: Wait. Do I have any Oreos in my teeth?
Dr. Sandra Thorpe: No. Ready to start?
Missy: One last thing. Did you ever think of wearing that white coat with a belt?
Dr. Sandra Thorpe: No.
Missy: You should. 'Cause you have a very nice figure, and it's lost in there.

Mary: And, as for Missy, she's just the opposite. Loves to be around people and other kids. Makes friends easy.
Dr. Sandra Thorpe: Does she have temper tantrums as well?
Mary: Nope. She's very even-keeled.
George Sr.: Except for when she's eating. You put your hand near her face when she's working on a lamb chop, she will bite off a finger.
Mary: [LAUGHS] Our daughter doesn't bite.
Meemaw: Right here, Thanksgiving, 1986.

Mary: Missy, we're gonna eat in a restaurant. Where would you like to go?
Missy: I get to pick?
Sheldon: Why don't I get to pick?
Mary: Because your sister's getting to pick. It's not just about you in this house.

Dr. Sandra Thorpe: Have you always been that way?
Missy: I guess so. I think when you're on your own a lot, you get good at seeing that kind of stuff.
Dr. Sandra Thorpe: Really?
Missy: My dad does football with my older brother, so they're like a team. And my mom and meemaw spend all their time fussing over Sheldon, so they're like a team, too.
Dr. Sandra Thorpe: So no one's on your team?
Missy: Nope. It's just me.

George Sr.: Hey.
Dr. John Sturgis :Hello.
Meemaw: You got a minute? John has something he wants to talk to you about.
Dr. John Sturgis: I brought you kolaches.
George Sr.: Ooh, yummy.

George Sr.: So, what's up? You comin' to me to ask for Connie's hand in marriage?
Dr. John Sturgis: No. But if that were to come to pass, are you authorized to bless the union?
Meemaw: He was joking.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh.

Adult Sheldon: While my sister and I are twins, we've always been different. By the age of two, I was reading books. Missy was content to eat them. By five, I had a healthy appreciation for a well-organized work space. My sister, less so.

Mary: And what about Missy? Aren't these tests gonna make her feel bad that she's not as smart as Sheldon?
George Sr.: [SNORTS] I'm not as smart as Sheldon. Doesn't make me feel bad.

George Sr.: And we could put the money aside for their college education.
Mary: That's a good point.
George Sr.: It's a great point. I don't have to tell you, times are changing. Kids are pitching in. Like that Webster kid on TV. He's making buckets of money for his parents.

Mary: Well I suppose we could give it a try.
George Sr.: There you go. I'll call Sturgis, tell him we're in. [QUIETLY] Baby, I'm getting a fishing boat.

Missy: I don't want to do it.
Sheldon: Why not?
Missy: They probably just want to find out why you're so smart and I'm just average.
Sheldon: [QUIETLY] Average? That's a little generous.

Dr. Edward Pilson: All right, we'll see y'all next Saturday.
George Sr.: You bet we will.
Meemaw: Good God, George, have a little dignity.

Meemaw: Will you keep an eye on 'em?
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, I'll try, but if they start running, you may never see them again.

Missy: I have to tell you something.
Dr. Sandra Thorpe: Why don't you finish the test first.
Missy: This can't wait. The other doctor's got a crush on you.
Dr. Sandra Thorpe: Oh, um I don't I don't think so. Let's get back to the test.
Missy: Okay.
Dr. Sandra Thorpe: Why? What did you see?
Missy: When you're not looking, he stares at your tushy.
Dr. Sandra Thorpe: [WHISPERING] Really?
Missy: Imagine if you wore the belt.

Missy: Did you see Honey, I Shrunk the Kids?
Dr. Sandra Thorpe: No.
Missy: You should. 'Cause there's a lot of good science stuff in it.

Mary: Good gravy, she's sad, Sheldon, come on!

George Sr.: So, Sheldon, Missy, we got some exciting news.
Sheldon: Georgie took a bath?
George Jr.: No. And how come I don't get exciting news?
George Sr.: This isn't about you.
Mary: But after dinner, why don't you go rinse off?