Sheldon: Do you believe there's intelligent life in the universe?
Dr. John Sturgis: I have no doubt.
Sheldon: Why is that?
Dr. John Sturgis: The Drake Equation claims that there are at least 20 detectable civilizations in our Milky Way galaxy alone.
Sheldon: Interesting. My sister likes to say that I'm an alien.
Dr. John Sturgis: I've often been called that. Once by the praying mantis in my dream.
Sheldon: Maybe we are aliens.
Dr. John Sturgis: Perhaps. Or maybe people like you and me were the original inhabitants of Earth, and everyone else is from outer space.
Sheldon: Ooh, I like that better.

Ms. Ingram: Mm-hmm. I'll tell him. Sheldon, you need to go to the principal's office.
Students: Ooh!
Sheldon: You do that every time. Why?

Adult Sheldon: The prospect of advancing to the next stage of academia had me feeling giddy.
And, on top of that, I got to pack a suitcase, which is like playing Tetris but with underwear.

Sheldon: I may be the luckiest boy in East Texas.
Dr. John Sturgis: I know it's Thursday, so dinner will be spaghetti and hot dogs. And, for fun, I have a few episodes of Cosmos recorded.
Sheldon: Forget "maybe." I am the luckiest boy.

Mary: Remember, it's a school night, so his bedtime is 7:30.
Dr. John Sturgis: Mine, too!

Meemaw: John, I don't think you realize the responsibility involved here.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, why don't we have a trial run? Have him spend a couple days with me and see how it goes.
Meemaw: A trial run, huh?
Dr. John Sturgis: Like the space program. You don't send people up right away; you start by spinning them around in that thing that makes them throw up.

Dr. John Sturgis: In my dreams, I'm usually running for my life from a giant praying mantis.
Sheldon: That's the insect where the female eats the male after mating?
Dr. John Sturgis: It is.
Sheldon: I think I understand why you're not married.

Dr. John Sturgis: Would you like me to sing a cowboy song while we sit around our makeshift campfire?
Sheldon: I would like that.
Dr. John Sturgis: [singing] Oh, pity the cowboy, All bloody and red, For the bronco fell on him, And bashed in his head, There was blood on the saddle, And blood all around, And a great big puddle of blood, On the ground.

Sheldon: I think you tripped and hit your head.
Dr. John Sturgis: I'm a bit woozy.
Sheldon: I better test for concussion. What's your name?
Dr. John Sturgis: John Burgess Sturgis.
Sheldon: Burgess Sturgis? Great name.
Dr. John Sturgis: Thank you.

George Sr.: And not just that. Colleges are already sniffing around to recruit him.
Mary: What do you mean, colleges? He's ten.
Sheldon: Principal Petersen said Caltech is interested.
Mary: Where's Caltech?
Sheldon: California, Mom.
Mary: California?!
Meemaw: It has "Cal" right there in the name.
Mary: You're not a part of this conversation.
Sheldon: The "tech" is for "technology."

George Sr.: So what's this mean?
Principal Petersen: It means he pitched a perfect game, George. I've already gotten calls from colleges who want to meet him.
George Sr.: For, like, scholarships and stuff?
Principal Petersen: For everything! They might even pay you to get him.
George Sr.: My man!
Sheldon: When was the last time you washed your hands?
George Sr.: Come on!

Dr. John Sturgis: What were you thinking, letting me take care of a child? I won't make that mistake again. Do I look like Mary Poppins?

Sheldon: Last question. What is the only fermion that may not have an antiparticle?
Dr. John Sturgis: The neutrino, of course.
Sheldon: I'm gonna rule out concussion.
Dr. John Sturgis: To be fair, it was an easy question.
Sheldon: True.

George Sr.: I understand all that.
Mary: Then why are you pushing so hard for this?
George Sr.: Because these schools are interested now. It's like football recruitment. You got to strike while the iron's hot.
Mary: This is nothing like football.
George Sr.: Oh, yeah? What if he stops being smart and they don't want him anymore?
Mary: How is that gonna happen?
George Sr.: I don't know. Conks his head?

George Sr.: What's up?
Principal Petersen: We got the PSAT results back, and Sheldon got a perfect score.
Sheldon: Neat.
George Sr.: Thanks, Tom. I'll be sure to put that up on the fridge.
Principal Petersen: No, you don't understand. Sheldon's the only kid in the school to ever do this. At his age, maybe in the whole country.
Sheldon: It was fun. I enjoyed it.

Sheldon: As smart as I am, I tried to put out a fire with oxygen and paper.

Sheldon: Who's the president of the United States?
Dr. John Sturgis: George Herbert Walker Bush.
Sheldon: I like Burgess Sturgis better.
Dr. John Sturgis: 'Cause it rhymes, sure.

Billy Sparks: Mom, I'm bleeding again!
Brenda Sparks: You know what, Mary? I appreciate it, but this isn't a great time. Bobbi stabbed Billy in the leg with a fork.
Mary: Good Lord. Is he okay?
Brenda Sparks: It was a plastic fork, but it broke the skin pretty good.
Mary: Oh, okay, I-I understand.
Brenda Sparks: How about I take that pie and give you a rain check?
Mary: Um, sure-
Billy Sparks: I think there's mustard in the fork holes!
Brenda Sparks: Got to go.
Mary: You can keep the pan!

Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, and, uh if your meemaw asks how I did tonight, I hope you'll give me a positive review.
Sheldon: Three stars.
Dr. John Sturgis: Out of three?
Sheldon: Yes.
Dr. John Sturgis: Wonderful!

Dr. John Sturgis: You're my guest. After you.
Sheldon: This is like being around a campfire, only I'm not miserable.

[Mary sobbing]
George Sr.: Hey, what what's wrong?
Mary: Nothing. Keep going.
[Mary's crying intensifies]
George Sr.: Mary?
Mary: George, I just miss my little boy so much, and he's never gonna come back 'cause he doesn't need his mama.
George Sr.: Oh, baby, of course he'll come back.
Mary: No, you should've seen how happy he was.
George Sr.: All right, well, still got Georgie and Missy.
[Mary starts wailing]

George Sr.: Hey. He okay?
Mary: Yeah, he's fine.
George Sr.: How you doing?
Mary: Much better.
George Sr.: You know, I just been sitting here thinking how I drove an hour both ways to bring the two of them back. Pretty damn decent of me.
Mary: Come here. [Mary and George start kissing]

Mary: You like chalkboards, huh?
Dr. John Sturgis: Indeed, I do.
Mary: Huh.
Dr. John Sturgis: In fact, I even have one in the bathroom. You never know when inspiration will strike.

Mary: You know, Shelly, it's okay if you're a little nervous. You can tell me.
Sheldon: I'm not nervous.
Mary: All right. When I was your age, a lot of times, I'd have to spend the weekend with my grandparents, and that always frightened me, 'cause they'd leave their teeth all over the place. I never told anybody, but I wish I had.
Sheldon: That does sound upsetting. Good thing I'm braver than you.

George Sr.: Uh-huh. Okay. I'll be right there.
Coach Wilkins: What's up?
George Sr.: Principal wants to talk to me.
Coach Wilkins: Ooh.
George Sr.: Grow up.

Principal Petersen: Gentlemen, good news.
George Sr.: I had a feeling.

Mary: Shelly, go to your room. The adults need to talk.
Sheldon: Given the events of the day, I would argue I am an adult and should be treated as one. [arriving in his bedroom] I probably could've said that differently.

Sheldon: That's not true.
Missy: You can't even take care of your own boo-boos.
Sheldon: For your information, every college is staffed with a medical professional. My boo-boos will be well-tended to.

Dr. John Sturgis: Here's an idea. Why don't you and Sheldon come live with me? And then you can take care of both of us.
Meemaw: Trial run sounds like the way to go.
Dr. John Sturgis: Not ready to shack up, are you?

Brenda Sparks: What do you want?
Mary: I baked you a pie.
Brenda Sparks: Why?
Mary: Well, I was thinking we haven't had the best history as neighbors.
Brenda Sparks: That's 'cause we don't like each other.

Mary: I'm just saying, it can be tough sleeping in a new place without your mom.
Sheldon: Dr. Sturgis will be there. He's like a mom. But he's really smart.

Dr. John Sturgis: I may actually have had a concussion.
Meemaw: What are your symptoms?
Dr. John Sturgis: It feels like there's hair on my head.

Sheldon: Hello!
George Sr.: Oh.
George Sr.: What are you doing here?
Sheldon: I got called to the principal's office.
George Sr.: So did I. What, you do something wrong?
Sheldon: Not that I'm aware of. Did you?
George Sr.: I hope not.
Sheldon: Maybe it's good news.
George Sr.: Sheldon, you ever been called to the principal's office for good news?
Sheldon: Never.

Sheldon: I changed my mind. I don't want to leave here ever.
Mary: You never have to.

Sheldon: Boy, it's a good thing we did this trial run.
Dr. John Sturgis: No kidding.

George Sr.: Can you believe it? Perfect score.
Meemaw: Good job, moon pie.

Mary: Hey, what you doing?
George Sr.: Pretty much what it looks like.
Mary: Would you like some company?
George Sr.: Sure, I guess.
Mary: Of course, if you'd rather watch TV, I could leave you alone.
George Sr.: Oh, no, no. No, it's a rerun. But even if it weren't-
Mary: Ooh.

Sheldon: Wait here. I'm going to go get some ice for your head and I'll fix you a hot beverage.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh. There's a, there's an Earl Grey tea bag in the sink. I think it still has some oomph in it.

Meemaw: I don't know.
Dr. John Sturgis: Connie, despite appearances, I'm not some stereotypical absentminded professor who can't take care of a houseplant.
Meemaw: No, no, I wasn't saying that. Yeah, maybe I was.

Mary: You honestly think that little boy's ready for college?
George Sr.: Hey, I didn't think he was ready for high school, but here we are, a year and a half in, and no one got hurt.
Mary: That is different. He's got you and Georgie over there, and he's still living at home with his mother and his sister.
Meemaw: And me.
Mary: Sure.

Mary: Will you help me, please?
Meemaw: Sorry, I'm not a part of this conversation.

Sheldon: At least Dad's on my side.
Missy: Doesn't matter. Mom's gonna win. She always does.
Sheldon: But I have to leave for college at some point.
Missy: If you went to college, you know what would happen?
Sheldon: I'd enjoy higher learning?
Missy: You would die. You would curl up on the floor and die.

Mary: Right, so I thought we could sit down over a slice of rhubarb pie and, you know, forgive and forget.
Brenda Sparks: I haven't done anything that needs forgiving.
Mary: Okay, well, that sounds like something we could sit down and talk about over the pie.

Sheldon: Watching Cosmos while we're eating dinner? Am I awake? Because this feels like a dream.

Radio: "So far away, Doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore?"
Mary: Shut up, Carole King.

Dr. John Sturgis: Very well. Now, I'll be in my room if you need me. Here's a glass of water if you get thirsty. And there's fresh chalk on the blackboard in case of any late-night epiphanies.

Sheldon: That's okay. I'm a self-tucker.

Dr. John Sturgis: If you like being tucked in, I'm prepared to do it. I practiced on a watermelon.

Mary: Have you talked to John tonight?
Meemaw: Yeah.
Mary: And?
Meemaw: He and Sheldon were watching TV without anybody yakking at 'em.
Mary: I'm going home. Thanks for stopping by.

Mary: You want to go bowl a few frames?
Meemaw: Don't you see me watching the Wheel?
Mary: You can just say "no."
Meemaw: No.

Mary: Sheldon! Come back in here!
Sheldon: I guess we'll find out what happened.
Missy: I already know what happened. Mom won.

Sheldon: Why can't I go there full-time?
Mary: Oh, baby, it's an hour away. We can't drive you back and forth every day.
Meemaw: I'm the one who's been driving him.
Sheldon: And she loves it.
Meemaw: How can he be so smart and so clueless at the same time?

Sheldon: I don't say this often, but that may have been the perfect safety lecture.

Mary: Want to go out and get some ice cream?
George Jr.: I'm watching this.
Mary: Well, when it's over.
George Jr.: Not really.
Mary: Okay. Want to play Monopoly?
George Jr.: I'll let you be the thimble.
Mary: Well, pooh to you. What about the little dog?
George Jr.: Nope.

Dr. John Sturgis: After dinner, want to toast marshmallows on a Bunsen burner?
Sheldon: Good gosh, yes.

Sheldon: They're still discussing.
Missy: Mom didn't win?
Sheldon: It's touch and go.
Missy: Crazy.

Missy: This little piggy's looking good.
Mary: Hey, baby.
Missy: Hey.
Mary: Need any help?
Missy: No.
Mary: Do you want to do mine next?
Missy: Why?
Mary: Well, just seems like a thing mothers and daughters might do.
Missy: What's wrong with you?
Mary: Nothing. Never mind.

Dr. John Sturgis: Sure!
Meemaw: What the heck? Do you really think you could handle living with a ten-year-old?
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, he's only biologically ten. In every other way, he's as old as I am.