Mary: Mr. Lundy? Come in. What brings you here?
Mr. Lundy: I'm the listing agent on the house next door.
Mary: But I thought you were a teacher and a...
Mr. Lundy: And an actor, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You've got to get your son out of my open house.
Mary: Why, what's he doin'?
Mr. Lundy: Well...
[flashback montage:]
Sheldon: I noticed there's hair on your coat. Clearly yours is falling out, but do you also have pets?
Sheldon: I detect a hint of garlic. Do you enjoy cooking stinky foods or are you afraid of vampires?
Sheldon: Is there any chance you're just fat?
[present:]
Mary: Oh, dear, I'll go get him.
Mr. Lundy: Thank you. Kind of a dump. But I could sell it.

Mr. Lundy: Sheldon, if you think you're gonna stop me from selling this house, you're wrong.
Sheldon: Oh, am I?
Mr. Lundy: They tried to stop me from staging The Crucible on roller skates. A lot of understudies went on that day... but so did the show.
Sheldon: You do not want me as an enemy. Or as a friend, sibling or student, I've been told.
Mr. Lundy: All right, look, if it's so important to you, why don't you just go out and find a buyer that you'd be happy with?
Sheldon: So if I find someone I deem acceptable, you'd sell them the house?
Mr. Lundy: If the bank approves, so do I.
Sheldon: Excellent. I wonder if Stephen Hawking would like Texas. It's very flat.

Ms. MacElroy: That's sweet of you for asking, but I'd rather stick my finger in a pencil sharpener and crank away.

Sheldon: And then after you buy the house, you rent it out to people who are pre-approved by me.
George Sr.: I can't afford a second house.
Sheldon: Georgie, you make as much money as Dad. Why don't you buy it?
George Sr.: He does not make as much money as me.
George Jr.: No. But I don't have to spend mine on stupid stuff like food and kids.
George Sr.: Mary, where's dinner?
Sheldon: So, is that a yes to buying the house?
George Jr.: Sorry. When I move out, it ain't gonna be 20 feet away, and it's gotta have a hot tub.

Tam: Why are you reading about property code?
Sheldon: The house next door to mine is for sale, and I'm looking for ways to control who moves in there.
Tam: When my family moved to Texas, they burned our fishing boat.
Sheldon: Tam, we're talking about my problems right now.
Tam: We usually are.

Meemaw: So what's goin' on?
Missy: I think I have a boyfriend.
Meemaw: Wow.
Missy: But you cannot tell Mom.
Meemaw: Oh, of course... I love not telling your mother stuff.

Sheldon: There's no telling who could buy that house! What if they have dogs? What if they have birds? What if they have both and the birds learned to bark like dogs?
Mary: Sheldon, you're gettin' yourself all worked up.
Sheldon: For good reason... that house is six feet away from my bedroom window. Who knows what kind of smells could jump the gap? Uh, cigarette smoke, a scented candle, a durian?
Mary: What's a durian?
Sheldon: A vile-smelling fruit of the genus Durio.
Mary: When did you smell that?
Sheldon: I haven't, and I'd like to keep it that way.
Mary: It might be nice. It might be a family with kids your age.
Sheldon: I already live with a kid my age... not a fan!

Meemaw: What's up?
Missy: Can I talk to you about serious woman stuff?
Meemaw: Of course. Is this a... iced tea conversation or a hot tea conversation?
Missy: Definitely hot.
Meemaw: Uh-oh.

Mary: Pastor Jeff, you got a second?
Pastor Jeff: Of course. I might've called before dropping in, but that's just how I was raised.

Mary: I owe you an apology. I was worried about us working together and then living next door to each other, but I like you and Robin very much, and if you want to look into that house, we would be lucky to have you as neighbors.
Pastor Jeff: Thank you. That's nice to hear.
Mary: I mean it.
Pastor Jeff: Good, 'cause Robin already looked at it, loved it, put up police tape so no one else could get in. [chuckling]
Mary: Okay.

Missy: He held my hand!
Meemaw: High five!
Missy: Don't touch it!

Dale: I thought Marcus was your boyfriend.
Missy: Meemaw told you?
Dale: She's my girlfriend. You know, we talk about stuff.
Missy: So, all that about saving my arm for playoffs wasn't true?
Dale: I was just being nice.
Missy: Since when are you nice?
Dale: Well, don't get used to it. Just go strike out your boyfriend.

Pastor Jeff: Hey. Robin says the house next door to y'all is for sale.
Mary: Oh, yeah, it is.
Pastor Jeff: Is it nice?
Mary: Uh... nice enough. Why? Are you thinking about moving?
Pastor Jeff: I wasn't, but Robin's not crazy about living in a house I shared with my ex-wife.
Mary: That's understandable.
Pastor Jeff: I want her to be happy. 'Cause I love her. Not just 'cause she's a cop with a gun. [chuckles] But that's part of it.

Sheldon: Excuse me, is there someone in charge here?
Mr. Lundy: That would be me.
Sheldon: Mr. Lundy? What are you doing here?
Mr. Lundy: I'm the realtor.
Sheldon: But you're a teacher and an actor.
Mr. Lundy: And while those both pay so well, I like to do this on the weekends for fun. [chuckles] Why are you here?
Sheldon: I live next door and I'm concerned about who the new neighbor might be.
Mr. Lundy: Don't you worry, I will personally make sure that your new neighbor is whoever forks over the most money.
Sheldon: Thank you. Wait.

Pastor Jeff: Here's the payroll checks.
Mary: Thank you.
Pastor Jeff: If you need anything else, I'll be in my office, which is next door. Sorry it's so close.

Mary: Sheldon, you need to stop involving yourself in this. You upset Mr. Lundy, and you were rude to the people at the open house.
George Sr.: And he was bugging his teachers at school all day.
Sheldon: But Mr. Lundy said I could help him.
Mary: I don't care. Even Pastor Jeff is talking about buying that house now.
Sheldon: That could work out. His wife's a police officer, so built-in security. And whenever I have a theological zinger, I can call it right over the fence.

Mary: Shelly, you want ice cream?
Missy: Ice cream!
Sheldon: All right.
Mary: Here you go. And no runnin'.
Sheldon: In these loafers? Not a chance.
Mary: I was jokin'.
Sheldon: Okay.

George Sr.: You want your boss living next door?
Mary: Not exactly.
Sheldon: You don't have to worry about your boss. There's a district rule that says that Principal Petersen cannot live next door to me.
Missy: That sounds made-up.
Sheldon: A principal who tells lies. What are we gonna do with this one?

Principal Petersen: I would love to, Sheldon, but there's a district rule that says a principal can't live next door to a student.
Sheldon: That makes sense.
Principal Petersen: Does it? Good.

Ms. Ingram: I'm sorry, why would I want to live next door to you?
Sheldon: Ask Mr. Givens. Apparently, I'm hilarious.

Mr. Givens: So, you think after seeing you every day at school, I'd want to go home, look out my window and see-see more of you?
Sheldon: Yes.
Mr. Givens: Hey, maybe we could ride to school together.
Sheldon: We could play car games.
Mr. Givens: [laughing] Stop, you're killing me.

Ms. Hutchins: Oh, I can't afford a house, but I'm flattered you'd want me next door.
Sheldon: Of course I would. You don't have enough friends to throw a party.
Ms. Hutchins: Yeah, well... Neither-neither do you!

Sheldon: Mr. Lundy. Oh, what now? What happened with the open house after you had me kicked out? Were there any potential buyers? And if so, can I have their names so I can run a background check with my friends in blue?

["Turkey in the Straw" plays nearby]
Missy: Ice cream. Ice cream, Mom... can I?
Mary: Sure.
Missy: Ice cream! [runs off]
Mary: Don't you need money?
Missy: I need money! [runs back] Thank you.
Mary: Don't run!

Adult Sheldon: It was turning out to be the perfect Saturday. The ice cream man had extra napkins. I had tons of homework. And I was about to enjoy an orange sherbet Push-Up, which was the only kind of Push-Up I could actually finish. Then it all came crashing down.

Sheldon: [on the phone] Yes, I'm still here.
Officer Robin: Sorry, no murders. Just one death from natural causes in 1948.
Sheldon: How can we be sure it wasn't foul play?
Officer Robin: The man was 96 years old, Sheldon.
Sheldon: That's a lot of years to make enemies.
Officer Robin: Bye. [line clicks, dial tone sounds]

Tam: Sheldon's gonna be late.
Mr. Givens: Well, all right!
Tam: It's a police ma...
Mr. Givens: Don't care.

Meemaw: So what-what-what's his name?
Missy: Marcus Adam Larson, he's 11 and a half, he has blond hair, his favorite color's green and he's learning how to skateboard, but he's not very good yet.
Meemaw: Okay, well, I have to ask, now... at your age, having a boyfriend, what does that mean? Do you, uh... go out on dates?
Missy: No.
Meemaw: Um... well, d-do you hold hands?
Missy: I wish, but no.
Meemaw: So how do you know he's your boyfriend?
Missy: Because this happened. [hands Meemaw a "check yes or no" paper]
Meemaw: Wow. I didn't realize you had documentation.
Missy: I know.

Sheldon: [on the phone] Hello, Officer Robin. This is Sheldon Cooper.
Officer Robin: What's wrong, Sheldon?
Sheldon: I was wondering if anyone was murdered in the house next door to mine.
Officer Robin: You mean murdered today?
Sheldon: No, ever, but today would work, too.
Officer Robin: It'll take me a while to check.
Sheldon: That's fine, I can hold. [to Tam] Tell Mr. Givens I may be a little late to class. It's a police matter.

Sheldon: Ooh, listen to this: "A seller or seller's agent must disclose if a homicide has occurred on the property."
Tam: Why is that helpful?
Sheldon: That could scare off any unwanted buyers.
Tam: Has there ever been a murder next door?
Sheldon: I sure hope so.

Adult Sheldon: I had no choice but to determine if any of these prospective home buyers would be suitable neighbors. This shifty fellow?
Sheldon: He looks like trouble.
Adult Sheldon: That woman and whatever dark secret is hiding in her bag?
Sheldon: Probably a machete.
Adult Sheldon: Oh, this lady seems promising.
[fantasy scene of Sheldon laying awake at night as a baby cries]
Sheldon: Not on my watch.

Sheldon: Something suspicious is happening next door.
George Sr.: Like what?
Sheldon: Groups of strangers keep coming and going. They must be using the house to sell drugs.
George Sr.: No one's selling drugs, they're just havin' an open house.
Sheldon: What's that?
George Sr.: They open up the house so people interested in buyin' it can take a look.
Sheldon: That explains why 911 hung up on me.

Dale: Hey, uh, Cooper, you know, I think I'm gonna have you sit this one out and let Powell pitch.
Missy: Really?
Dale: Yeah. Kind of like to save your arm for the playoffs, okay?
Missy: Okay.
Billy Sparks: Do you want to save my arm, too?
Dale: No.
Billy Sparks: How about my legs?
Dale: You know, Billy, you never fail to brighten my day.
Billy Sparks: Cool.

Meemaw: So if you want to be his girlfriend and he wants to be your boyfriend, what's the problem?
Missy: He also plays baseball, and this weekend... I have to pitch against him.
Meemaw: Yeah, so?
Missy: So if I strike him out, he might get mad and break up with me.
Meemaw: Well, why would he do that?
Missy: I've struck out a bunch of boys. They all get real mad.
Meemaw: You're gonna pitch bad to him on purpose?
Missy: I was thinkin' about it.
Meemaw: That is not what you are gonna do. You are gonna do your best, and if you strike him out, he will respect you for it.
Missy: I don't know. When I struck out Brian Morgan, he cried. Now everyone calls him Cryin' Brian.
Meemaw: [chuckles] That's pretty funny.
Missy: Thanks, I started it.

Sheldon: What's going on?
Mary: It looks like Pastor Jeff and Robin are gonna move in next door.
Pastor Jeff: And that's not the only news.
Officer Robin: We're expecting.
Mary: Oh! What a beautiful blessing!
Pastor Jeff: Hey, Sheldon, maybe someday you can babysit for us.
[fantasy scene of Sheldon cradling a crying baby in his arms:]
Sheldon: [singing] Rock-a-bye, baby.
[present:]
Mary: Where you going?
Sheldon: To apply for college.
Pastor Jeff: When he sees the baby, he'll come around.
Sheldon: No, I won't.

Sheldon: Excuse me, Mr. Lundy. I'm afraid I have some bad news.
Mr. Lundy: Oh. What's going on?
Sheldon: My mother has forbidden me from helping you sell the house.
Mr. Lundy: [dramatically] That... is beyond bad news. I don't think I can do this alone.
Sheldon: I'm sorry. It's not me.
Mr. Lundy: No, I know it's not. Just enjoyed being in the trenches with you.
Sheldon: As did I.
Mr. Lundy: All right, Sheldon, I... I guess I'll see you in the halls.
Sheldon: Again, I'm sorry.
Mr. Lundy: Me, too. [Sheldon exits] And scene.

Mary: [praying] Lord, I am trying my best. Please help me with this situation. Amen. [sees a "love thy neighbor" stitching on a pillow] I meant fix him, not me.

Mary: Well, I'm sure there are lots of wonderful houses out there. I'd be happy to help you look.
Pastor Jeff: Do you not want us to look at the one next to you?
Mary: Oh, no, of course not. You should absolutely look at it. As well as other houses.
Pastor Jeff: I have to say, this isn't the reaction I was expecting.
Mary: No, it is the reaction you were expecting. [chuckles] Excited that my boss might live next door to me. Yay!
Pastor Jeff: Well, my boss lives everywhere, and you don't see me getting weird about it.

Meemaw: So, you playin' the Tigers on Saturday?
Dale: Should be an easy win. Their best player's parents are getting a divorce. He's pretty distracted.
Meemaw: Well, there's a lucky break.
Dale: I just hope it drags out through playoffs.

Meemaw: So how you feel about not pitchin' Missy?
Dale: Why would I do that?
Meemaw: Well, she's growin' up and she's going through some new stuff...
Dale: Oh, I don't want to hear about that.
Meemaw: No, no, no, she's... She's got a crush on a boy on the other team, and she's worried that if she strikes him out, that it will embarrass him.
Dale: Well, that's too bad, she's our pitcher. She's gonna do her job.
Meemaw: Well, she's also an 11-year-old girl with big feelings.
Dale: And I'm a cranky old man with no feelings.
Meemaw: Well, I've always thought that underneath that tough exterior, there was a shred of compassion.
Dale: Yeah, I know what you're doing.
Meemaw: What am I doing?
Dale: You're using your feminine wiles to get your way.
Meemaw: Mm-mm-mm. Smart and handsome.
Dale: You forgot tall.

Jeremy: [dramatically] Don't say that. Never... say that. Goonies... never say die.
Mr. Lundy: Well done. Very moving. And speaking of moving, if any of your parents are in the market for a two-bedroom, two-bath ranch-style with a updated kitchen, have them give me a call. All right, very good. How about next week we try some monologues from actual theater? Just a thought.