Adult Sheldon: Visiting Tam's house for the first time was an emotional roller coaster.
For example, it's traditional in Vietnamese homes to have gruesome religious iconography near the entrance. I did not like that.
However, it's also customary to not wear shoes around the house for sanitary reasons. I did like that.
Interestingly, one of the main ingredients in Vietnamese cooking is an extremely pungent condiment known as fish sauce. I did not like that.
But before every meal, it's common for everyone to wash their hands and face. I did like that.
Forks are not customary in a Vietnamese household. I did not like that.
And instead of napkins, there was one towel for everyone to share at the table. Seriously, what are they thinking?

George Jr.: Mornin'.
Mary: Mornin'.
George Jr.: I slept in the nude last night. Felt every little breeze.
[Sheldon slides his food away]
Mary: Thank you for sharing that.
George Jr.: You're welcome.

George Sr.: Sheldon, all you got to do is be cool.
Adult Sheldon: "Be cool." He might as well have asked me to fly around the backyard.

Mary: Okay, here's what's gonna happen: you and you are staying at her house until I say otherwise.
George Jr.: One could argue I was the hero in this story.
Mary: You went gambling and you drove without a license and you lied to my face.
George Jr.: Heroically.

Sheldon: Mom, I was going through our expenditures and noticed our grocery bills are up 12% compared to last quarter. Any idea why?
George Sr.: There's a person at the end of the table that eats for free.
Meemaw: There's a person at the other end of the table that eats for three.

George Sr.: Hey, here's a funny prank you can try tonight. When Tam falls asleep, put some shaving cream in his hand and then tickle his nose.
Sheldon: Why?
George Sr.: 'Cause then he'll go to, you know, scratch his nose, and he gets shaving cream on his face.
Sheldon: And then what?
George Sr.: Well that - that's it.
Sheldon: But I'm a guest in their home, and that doesn't seem like a very good way to repay their kindness.
George Sr.: Never mind.
Sheldon: And what if the shaving cream gets in his eyes? That would sting.
George Sr.: Sorry I mentioned it.
Sheldon: Also, I didn't bring my own shaving cream. I'd have to use his dad's, and that-
George Sr.: Forget it!

Sheldon: We've been friends for a while now, haven't we?
Tam: I suppose so.
Sheldon: Given that, how would you feel about a sleepover?
Tam: Sure. Your mom lets you watch TV. Jake and the Fatman is on tonight.
Sheldon: I meant we could sleep at your house.
Tam: But you'll miss Jake and the Fatman.
Sheldon: Even better. So what do you say?
Tam: I'll have to ask my mom.
Sheldon: Well, be sure to tell her I'm clean, I'm well-behaved, and if you don't have a lot of room, I can fit in really tight spaces.

Meemaw: I do not want Mary to find out about this.
George Sr.: Well, what about Sheldon? The kid hasn't pooped in days, he might pop.
Meemaw: Slip a little Metamucil into his apple juice, he'll be fine.

George Jr.: With God as my witness, I've never been to the dog track in my life.
Meemaw: She knows.
George Jr.: Oh, I've been there a bunch.

Sheldon: Dad, banking question.
George Sr.: What's that, buddy?
Sheldon: I noticed there's a check missing. I have a copy of check 128 and a copy of check 130, but 129 isn't there.
George Sr.: Oh, yeah, don't worry about it.
Sheldon: But I enjoy worrying; I find it very relaxing.
George Sr.: 'course you do.

Mary: Will someone please tell me what happened?
George Jr.: Okay, me and Meemaw were in the bar at the track.
Mary: You took him to a bar?
Meemaw: He wasn't drinking.
George Jr.: She had a few too many margaritas, so I drove us home.
Mary: But you don't have a license.
George Jr.: That's why we swapped places after the cop pulled us over.
Mary: Oh, dear Lord.
George Sr.: I had nothing to do with this part.
Mary: Shut up.
George Sr.: Will do.

Mary: What did you do?
Meemaw: Okay, now, before I answer that-
Mary: Just tell me what you did.
Meemaw: I got a DWI.
Mary: Mom!
Meemaw: It's not as bad as it sounds.
Mary: How is driving drunk not bad?
Meemaw: I wasn't exactly driving.
Mary: I don't follow.
Meemaw: I was at the dog track with Georgie, and I had a few-
Mary: Georgie?

Mary: Sweet dreams. Love you.
Sheldon: Love you, too, 'cause you're my mom. [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

George Sr.: Sheldon, I'm talking to you.
Sheldon: Well, I'm not talking to you.
George Sr.: Okay, what's going on?
Sheldon: After having my first good night's sleep in a week, I woke up with a fresh perspective.
George Sr.: And that is?
Sheldon: It was irresponsible of you to burden me with that secret.
George Sr.: Sheldon, we've been through this. It's complicated.
Sheldon: While I may not look up to you from an intellectual standpoint, I've always looked up to you as a role model. I can't do that anymore. And don't worry, we made a deal. I'll continue to keep your secret.

Mary: I don't know. I just feel like something isn't right.
Missy: Mom! I got my hair stuck in my zipper!
Meemaw: That's the kid you need to be worried about.

Meemaw: I didn't want Georgie to get into trouble, so I got behind the wheel before the cop walked up. And then I got arrested, and, uh, he bailed me out.
Mary: So you all thought you should keep this from me?
George Jr.: Yes.
George Sr.: Absolutely.
Meemaw: 100%.

George Sr.: It's all your mother's fault. She is a bad person. I've been telling you for years.

George Sr.: Um, I need to tell you something.
Mary: What did you do?
George Sr.: When Sheldon was doing our taxes, he noticed a missing check.
Mary: What did you do?
George Sr.: Before I answer, do you trust me enough to understand it was for a good reason and j-just leave it at that?
Mary: What did you do?

Sheldon: Thank you for letting me sleep in your bed.
Tam: My father taught me that we must always honor our guests and treat them with the utmost courtesy.
Sheldon: The Vietnamese are a very welcoming people.
Tam: Yeah, that hasn't always worked out for us.

Tam: Okay, whenever you're ready.
Sheldon: What are you doing?
Tam: I'm assuming the position.
Sheldon: Okay. Forgive me, Tam, for I have sinned. This is my first confession.
Tam: I forgive you, my son.
Sheldon: I was doing my parents' taxes and noticed a check was missing. I asked my father about it-
Adult Sheldon: As I walked Tam through the whole sordid affair, I could feel a weight lifting off my shoulders. It was a relief to finally unburden myself of this deception. By the time I reached the end, I felt like a new person.
Sheldon: That's the whole story.
Tam: Cool. Can we play now?
Adult Sheldon: And now that my conscience had been cleared, my colon was ready to do the same.
Sheldon: Excuse me. I need to use your bathroom!

Trang Nguyen: Hello.
George Sr.: Hi. You must be Mrs ... Tam's mom. I'm Sheldon's dad, George Cooper.
Trang Nguyen: Nice to meet you.
George Sr.: Thanks for letting him spend the night. It's his first sleepover. He's excited.
Sheldon: Actually, I'm quite apprehens-
George Sr.: He's really looking forward to it.

Sheldon: "If you were not covered by a retirement plan, but your spouse was, see the worksheet on page 14." Try and stop me.

George Sr.: So your first sleepover. Pretty exciting, huh?
Sheldon: No. It's not exciting, it's constipating, and I'm only doing it to avoid Mom.

Mary: I've been buying groceries for the church food drive. I think that's it.
Sheldon: Ooh, I bet I could write that off, including the gas it took to drive to the grocery store and then to the church.
George Sr.: With all that driving, maybe she can count her car as a home office.
Sheldon: Sounds aggressive, but I like how you're thinking.

Sheldon: I balanced the rest of the account, and it appears to be a check for $300.
George Sr.: All right, well, let's just put it down for $300 for miscellaneous.
Sheldon: I've never labeled anything miscellaneous in my life.

George Sr.: What do you say we keep this quiet?
Sheldon: You mean like a secret?
George Sr.: No, no, just, you know, something between you and me.
Sheldon: What about Mom?
George Sr.: Mom is on a need-to-know basis.
Sheldon: What if Mom needs to know?
George Sr.: Okay, it's a secret. Just trust me. It is better for everyone if she doesn't know about this.
Sheldon: But I'm not good at keeping secrets.
George Sr.: It's not hard. Just keep your mouth shut.
Sheldon: But I'm not good at keeping my mouth shut.

Adult Sheldon: There was only so much food I could eat, so I started avoiding my mother whenever possible.
George Sr.: [OPENING A CUPBOARD AND FINDING SHELDON] What are you doing in there?
Sheldon: [WHISPERING] Keeping your secret.
George Sr.: You got to pull it together.
Sheldon: This is me pulling it together.
George Sr.: Pull harder.

George Sr.: Why don't we just come clean?
Meemaw: All right, sure, we could do that. You could rat me out to Mary and I could tell her what you did at the church picnic.
George Sr.: Come on. Now you're just playing dirty.
Meemaw: We sink or swim together, George. We sink or swim together.
George Sr.: Grandmas are supposed to be nice. What went wrong with you?

Adult Sheldon: Avoiding my mother in our own house was proving to be difficult, so it was time to get creative.
Sheldon: Hello. I'd like to book a room in your hotel. I'd be arriving tonight. No, it's just me. Ooh, a queen bed, that sounds fancy. And how much would this room cost? Wow. Is that per month? Per day? By any chance, do you have a children's rate?

Missy: I love everything about this.

Tam: Sheldon. Did you hear anything I said?
Sheldon: Sorry, I was reliving a traumatic experience.
Tam: What do you mean?
Sheldon: Tam, I have a secret that's weighing on me, and I need to tell someone.
Tam: Okay. Tell me.
Sheldon: But I promised I wouldn't.
Tam: Okay. Then don't.
Sheldon: But it's driving me crazy.
Tam: Too bad you're not Catholic. You could confess it to a priest.
Sheldon: That's a great idea. You're Catholic. I'll confess it to you.
Tam: I'm not a priest.
Sheldon: I'm not a Catholic. It makes perfect sense.

Sheldon: Oh, hello. I was just brushing my teeth like I do every night. [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY] Nothing new there.
Mary: You all right?
Sheldon: Yes. I'm cool. I'm very cool.
Missy: Tell Sheldon what cool means.

Missy: You're so weird.
Sheldon: More than usual?
Missy: No, I guess not.
Sheldon: Perfect.

George Sr.: I'm guessing you're mad at me.
Meemaw: Aw, forget about it.
George Sr.: I appreciate you not ratting me out about the picnic.
Meemaw: Well, we had a deal. Besides, your marriage is already hanging by a thread.
George Sr.: It is dangling there. All right, well, I'm gonna turn in. Good night.
Meemaw: Night!
[Meemaw phones Mary:]
Mary: Hello?
Meemaw: So, get a load of this. Last church picnic, your husband snuck in a six-pack, polished off the whole thing, then went to wait in line for the bathroom-
George Sr.: Hey. You got an extra toothbrush?
Meemaw: Under the sink, darlin'.
George Sr.: Thanks.
Meemaw: You got it. [returning to the phone call:] So then the big gorilla decides he doesn't want to wait in line, so he stumbles over to the church vegetable garden and proceeds to irrigate the whole damn thing.
Mary: I've eaten those vegetables.
Meemaw: Sweet dreams. [LAUGHS]

Adult Sheldon: For most students, the weekend represented two days of fun, freedom, and in the case of my brother, a chance to ignore all forms of hygiene. But this wasn't a typical weekend, because this was the weekend I got to do my parents' taxes.
Sheldon: Howdy do, W-2.

George Sr.: Okay, I know you're having a tough time with this, but you're doing great. You spend some time at Tam's house, you know, clear your head, and come back home refreshed.
Sheldon: And then I can tell Mom?
George Sr.: Oh, no, you can never tell Mom.

Mary: None of that is necessary, it's for charity.
Sheldon: What's the point of charity if there are no tax benefits?
Mary: Eat your peas.
George Sr.: I like how he's thinking.
Mary: You eat your peas, too.

George Sr.: Uh, in case something comes up, just give us a holler. I mean, a call. If you hollered, we wouldn't hear you. [CHUCKLES] That-that was a joke.
Trang Nguyen: [FORCED] Ha-ha-ha!
George Sr.: Okay, buddy, have fun.

Mary: Maybe it's me. Maybe I did something to upset him.
Meemaw: What are you talking about? He loves you like crazy. Much more than he loves this one.
George Sr.: It's true.

Adult Sheldon: To avoid looking suspicious, I tried to interact with my mom as little as possible. Thankfully, it's rude to speak with your mouth full.
Mary: You look tired, baby. Sleep okay?
Sheldon: [shoveling food into his mouth] Mm-hmm.
Mary: So how big a tax refund you think we're gonna get?
Sheldon: [pointing at his mouth] Mm.

Sheldon: Do you think your dad would ever ask you to keep a secret from your mom?
Tam: Oh, no. He's so honest, it's annoying.
Trang Nguyen: Enough talking. Sleep now.
Tam: She's just annoying.

Mary: I can't help thinking how odd it is that Shelly volunteered to go on a sleepover.
George Sr.: Oh, I don't know. He's growing up. It's natural for a young boy to want to spread his wings a little bit, try something new.
Mary: That's nonsense. Last week, I brought home the Raisin Bran with the sugar on the raisins. He almost lost his mind.

Meemaw: All right, let's tell her.
George Sr.: Thank you.
Meemaw: But first I'm gonna tell her what you did at the picnic. Oh, Mary!
George Sr.: Okay, okay, shh. [SIGHS] I don't know how much longer we can keep this going.
Meemaw: I'm willing to find out.

George Sr.: Okay, Connie, why don't we just come clean?
Meemaw: No.
George Sr.: You heard her. Now she's blaming herself. And Sheldon's so upset he's, he's acting like a regular kid.

Mary: Hey, have you noticed anything off with Sheldon?
George Sr.: Uh, no, no, no. Can't say that I have. Why?
Mary: He's been awful quiet, and, at the risk of being indelicate, he's gone several days without a bowel movement.
George Sr.: How do you know that?
Mary: Well, I was worried about him, so I took a look in his potty journal.
George Sr.: He's still keeping that thing, huh?
Mary: Oh, yeah, that's why he wanted the Polaroid camera.