Sheldon: [on the phone] Hello, Dr. Bowers, it's Sheldon Cooper. I need you to administer more anesthesia to me. No, I don't have a dental problem. I need to reenter a trancelike state so I can communicate with Thoth, the god of knowledge. I would argue that the greatest discovery in physics is worth losing your dental license. Well, it's not my fault you let them publish your home phone number.

Ms. Hutchins: Hi, Sheldon, what can I do for you?
Sheldon: Do you have any books or videos on the Lamaze technique?
Ms. Hutchins: Uh-oh. Georgie get that girl pregnant?
Sheldon: It's for me. I need to have a tooth pulled, and I'd like to do it without putting my brain on drugs.
Ms. Hutchins: Okay.
Sheldon: I've seen that commercial with the egg in the frying pan. Very effective.

George Jr.: There you go. I hope you enjoyed your shopping experience.
Man: I did.
George Jr.: I'd let the manager know, But he already does, 'cause it's me.
[later, to a woman holding a tennis racket:]
Woman: I'll take it.
George Jr.: It's been a pleasure to serve you.
[later, to an older man lifting weights:]
George Jr.: You might want to slow down. We don't have a license to sell guns in here. Just kidding, it's Texas. We got them in the back.

George Jr.: Can I at least change the music we play here?
Dale: What's wrong with the music we play here?
George Jr.: Nothing, it's just kind of grandpa music.
Dale: Well, how is this "grandpa music"?
George Jr.: Do you listen to it?
Dale: Yeah.
George Jr.: Do you have grandchildren?
Dale: Yeah.
George Jr.: Do you see where I'm going with this?

Sheldon: So none of you can help me?
Albert Einstein: I believe I can. Sheldon, if I was offered a choice between all the knowledge of the universe or the endless pursuit of it, I would choose the pursuit.
Sheldon: That's very insightful.
Richard Feynman: Hold it, hold it... He didn't come up with that! He stole it from Gotthold Lessing.
Professor Proton: Who's-who's Gotthold Lessing?
Cyndi Lauper: [v.o.] He's an 18th century German philosopher. Now do you mind? We girls are trying to have some fun over here.
Einstein: Apologies.
Richard Feynman: Sorry, Cyndi Lauper.
Stephen Hawking: Our bad.
Professor Proton: I-I like fun.

Mary: So, Sheldon, little bit of dental news. You have a baby tooth that never fell out.
Sheldon: Neat. Even my teeth are stubborn.

Adult Sheldon: If I was going to recapture my insight into a unified field theory, I needed to find a way to put myself back into an altered state of consciousness. Native Americans would sit in sweat lodges for hours to achieve this. I lasted a minute and a half. Self-hypnosis is another means of bringing stillness to the mind. [Sheldon screams] When it isn't giving you a heart attack! The whirling dervishes of Central Asia employ a repetitive spinning technique to achieve a trancelike state.
Sheldon: [retches, falls down]

Adult Sheldon: After my other attempts to return to the trancelike state of anesthesia failed, I turned to something Nancy Reagan herself told me to "just say no" to. My mind-altering substance of choice was... chamomile tea. But not your grandma's chamomile tea. A highly concentrated super chamomile of my own making. All the relaxing power of 30 cups of chamomile tea packed into a teaspoon of calming sludge.
Sheldon: Sorry, Mrs. Reagan.

Richard Feynman: [v.o.] All right, hang on. Where is the fun in finding things out if some joker with a bird head just tells you the answer?
Sheldon: But a grand unified field theory would explain the universe.
Richard Feynman: Answers are all well and good, but a real scientist loves the thrill of the chase. Am I right, Hawking?
Stephen Hawking: [v.o.] I would agree. I do also enjoy the thrill of rolling over bubble wrap with my chair.
Professor Proton: It-it is fun to pop that stuff, isn't it?
Stephen Hawking: So fun.

Sheldon: But what if I never figure it out?
Albert Einstein: I never did and my scientific career is nothing to sneeze at.
Richard Feynman: Same here.
Stephen Hawking: Agreed.
Professor Proton: Uh, don't-don't look at me. I-I drive a Yugo.

Dale: You go to this casino often?
Meemaw: Kind of. So don't be surprised if everybody knows my name, how I take my whiskey and the color of my lucky bra.
Dale: Purple.
Meemaw: No, that's my "get lucky" bra.

Missy: You're having a tooth pulled, not having a baby.
Sheldon: If it can work for getting an eight-pound human through a birth canal, it can work for a tiny tooth.
Missy: Eight pounds? I'm never having kids.
Adult Sheldon: Fun fact: she ended up having four.
Missy: And if I do, I'm taking any drugs they'll give me.
Adult Sheldon: That part was true.

Ms. Hutchins: Well, Since this is a high school, we don't have material about giving birth on the shelves. But... since this is a high school, I... keep a few things here under the counter.
Sheldon: Excellent. And I'll let my brother know, in case he gets himself in a pickle.

Dale: I don't know, it's not a bad idea to maybe venture out of Medford once in a while.
Meemaw: Even better, why don't we go away for the weekend?
Dale: Uh, come on... You know how hard it is for me to get out of the store.
Meemaw: What's the point of being the boss if you can't get somebody else to do your work for you?
Dale: Uh, I might be able to leave Georgie in charge.
Meemaw: My grandson?
Dale: That'd be the one.
Meemaw: I want to go, so I'm just gonna say "good idea." [chuckles]

Meemaw: This is not exactly the date night I'd envisioned when I was shaving my legs.
Dale: I'm almost done.
Meemaw: We're elderly, you know? If anything, dinner should be early.
Dale: Well, I'll tell you what, when I'm finished, I am gonna whisk you off to the finest... And the only... Chinese food place in town.
Meemaw: Ying's? Their nachos are weird.

Dr. Bowers: So, you don't need to worry about needles 'cause we're gonna put you under for the procedure.
Sheldon: No, thank you. There are risks associated with anesthesia.
Dr. Bowers: Feel free to jump in.
Mary: Are there any other options?
Dr. Bowers: Well, he could stay awake for it, but we'd have to give him novocaine.
Sheldon: No needles. Just pull the tooth.
Sheldon: [exhaling rhythmically]
Dr. Bowers: Okay. Just so you know, I'm gonna be using this.
Sheldon: Drugs, please.

Sheldon: [muffled] Where am I?
Missy: Oh, you died. You're a ghost now.
Sheldon: What?

Adult Sheldon: While I made my peace with not having the solution to a unified field theory, my intestines did not make peace with concentrated chamomile syrup.
Sheldon: Oh, dear. Bathroom emergency! Bathroom emergency!

Sheldon: Okay, grand unified field theory, here I come. [groans] This isn't working.
Albert Einstein: [v.o.] I disagree. Seems to be working fine and dandy.
Sheldon: Mr. Einstein? I'm very excited to talk to you, but I was hoping to hear from Thoth, the Egyptian god of knowledge, so he could teach me the grand unified field theory again.
Albert Einstein: Ooh, the grand unified field theory! Well, la-di-da.
Sheldon: He told it to me in a dream, but I can't remember.

Meemaw: You didn't have to storm off. You're being childish. So I don't want to get married. It's nothing personal.
Dale: Well, it feels personal.
Meemaw: I'm not rejecting you. I'm rejecting marriage. If it helps, it's not the first proposal I've turned down.
Dale: How the hell does that help? After everything that I've done for you and your family!
Meemaw: You give my grandson a job, so I'm supposed to marry you?
Dale: Well, you can forget I even asked.

Mary: He is gonna freak out about the pain and the needle and the blood.
Dr. Bowers: Yeah, I wouldn't mention that stuff when you tell him.
Mary: Uh, can't you tell him?
Dr. Bowers: [laughs] I'm not gonna tell him.
Mary: But you're his doctor.
Dr. Bowers: And you're his mommy.
Mary: Which means that I have to deal with him all the time. Help me out here.
Dr. Bowers: No.
Mary: Okay. Can we tell him together?
Dr. Bowers: No.
Mary: All right. What if I put your business card, free of charge, in the next church newsletter?

George Jr.: [on the phone] I'd like to report a robbery. Well, before I tell you my name, is there any way we can do this where the owner of the store don't find out? Because he left me in charge and I really screwed up. At least $400. I know it's a lot. That's why I said I screwed up. I got to think about this. I-I'll call you back.

George Jr.: Why you back so soon?
Dale: None of your business. How'd it go yesterday?
George Jr.: It was good. Until it wasn't.
Dale: What do you mean?
George Jr.: I was helping a customer, and I guess I forgot to close the register, 'cause when I got back to it, all the money was gone.
Dale: Are you kidding me?
George Jr.: I screwed up.
Dale: Did you call the police?
George Jr.: I didn't want to get them involved. But I was gonna make it right. Here, take it. So we good?
Dale: You're fired.
George Jr.: R-Really?
Dale: Get out of my store now.

Dale: Hey, you know what'd be fun? New Orleans is just an hour away from here.
Meemaw: Oh, I like where this is headed.
Dale: And they got themselves a 24-hour wedding chapel.
Meemaw: What? [laughs] No!
Dale: What do you mean "no"? We're good together and we're both old. That's what you said.
Meemaw: We-we haven't even said "I love you" yet!
Dale: All right, fine. I love you. You... you're not gonna say anything back?
Meemaw: Not under these circumstances!
Dale: [mutters] Ah, goddang it. [walks off]
Meemaw: Dale?!

Dale: Well, this is my favorite table here.
Meemaw: Well, sure, every time you put down money, you win.
Dale: Oh, this is nice. You know, I really don't get away from the store enough.
Meemaw: How come you're still workin' at your age?
Dale: What do you mean "my age"?
Meemaw: I mean you're old. [laughs]
Dale: I'm not old.
Meemaw: Well, I'm old and you're older than me.
Dale: Yeah, that's true. But we make it look good though.
Meemaw: You don't want to be that guy that just works till he drops dead. I mean, maybe you should retire. Have a little fun.
Dale: Well, I'm here with you.
Meemaw: That's a good start, 'cause I'm fun.
Dale: Oh, man, you sure as hell are.

Mary: Look who's awake. How are you feelin'?
Sheldon: I had a dream. I solved a unified field theory.
Mary: Well, good for you.
Sheldon: But I can't remember it.
Mary: Hmm. Well, you were mumblin' something about gravity and forces.
Sheldon: You need to be more specific.
Mary: Shelly, you weren't makin' much sense.
Sheldon: Mother, a unified field theory is the holy grail of physics. Solving it would be the greatest breakthrough in the history of science.
Missy: And you forgot it. That's funny.

Dale: You want to go to the bar?
Meemaw: No, we've hit. We gotta ride this out.
Croupier: Double zero.
Meemaw: Ride's over.
Dale: To the bar!

Meemaw: 26 for the twins' birthday, three for Georgie and Mary wouldn't like it if I used her birthday for gambling, so 13 for her.
Dale: All right. For my grandson's birthday, I'm gonna go black, 'cause I don't remember.

[fantasy scene:]
Sheldon: Do you really possess all knowledge?
Thoth: You only get one question, kid. You want that to be it?
Sheldon: Oh. No. How can I unify the four fundamental forces of the universe?
Thoth: Now we're talking. In order to unify gravity, you must first understand that it is a distortion of space-time.
[reality:]
Sheldon: [mumbling] Gravity. Of course.
Dr. Bowers: He even talks in his sleep. Why am I not surprised?

[fantasy scene:]
Dr. John Sturgis: Step right up. Step right up for your chance to meet Thoth! The Egyptian god of knowledge. He has all the answers. No question too big or small. Hello, young man. Do you have a question you'd like to pose?
Sheldon: I do, but nobody in the history of science has ever been able to answer it.
Dr. John Sturgis: [laughs] Well, they haven't asked the great god Thoth! Right this way! Ask your question.

Dr. Bowers: Okay, Sheldon, we're gonna put the mask on. Now you just breathe normally and count back from 100.
Sheldon: But counting back from 100 isn't complex enough to occupy my mind.
Dr. Bowers: You're up again.
Mary: Why don't you think of something more sciencey? Like counting pi. That's a thing, right? Pi?
Sheldon: I can't count pi, it's an irrational number. But I can embrace the spirit of your proposal and calculate the matrix coefficients necessary for a unified field theory.
Dr. Bowers: Do that. Hit it.
Sheldon: [slurring] Of the four fundamental forces, the most difficult to unify is gravity because...
Dr. Bowers: Oh, thank God.

Meemaw: So, what are you into? Craps, roulette?
Dale: Well, not much of a gambler.
Meemaw: You just left Georgie in charge of your store, so... disagree.
Dale: Mm, he's a lot smarter than you think.
Meemaw: Maybe you're not as smart as I think.
Dale: Well, if you like me just for my body, I'm okay with that.

Dr. Bowers: Okay, Sheldon, you ready?
Sheldon: Not really.
Dr. Bowers: Yeah, that makes two of us. Why don't you guys come on back?
Mary: You know what? I'm just gonna stay here. Um, you don't need me getting in your way.
Dr. Bowers: Oh, it's no trouble at all. Come on.
Mary: I've got my crochet.
Dr. Bowers: You're coming.
Mary: Fine.

Dale: Hey, Georgie. I'm thinking about taking your meemaw away for this weekend.
George Jr.: Okay. You have my blessing.
Dale: Thank you. And I was wondering, maybe, if you'd look after the store while I'm gone.
George Jr.: You saying I'm the manager?
Dale: No, I-I'm saying I want you to look after the store while I'm gone.
George Jr.: But in a managerial capacity.
Dale: [sighs] You think you can handle it?
George Jr.: Yes, sir. I will make you proud.

Mary: Sheldon, lots of people get their teeth pulled. It's not a big deal.
Sheldon: [to Missy] Stop enjoying this.
Missy: Sorry.
Sheldon: No, you're not.
Missy: No, I'm not.