Nellie: God. We owned this flat together. Then one morning, just like that, he was gone. He ran off with the waitress at our favorite restaurant.
Dwight K. Schrute: That's awful. What kind of restaurant?
Jim: Dwight!

Nellie: Look, Jim, Dwight, please, don't tell anyone about this.
Jim: No, no. Of course. Just one quick question. Was this um, Halloween, or...
Nellie: God, no. That's the most embarrassing thing of all this. What kind of fool gets her heart broken by bloody stage magician?

Angela: I knew she'd crack! I wanted to leave you out, you know.
Oscar: We're in far too deep. We can't change course at this point.
Pam: What are you talking about? Yes we can.
Oscar: What I mean to say is we don't want to.
Phyllis: Toots, we're not stopping this train, so get off the tracks.

Erin: Andy.
Andy: It'll be fine. Just act natural. Do you want a gummy penis?
Erin: No, uh, I'll just have some gummy bears.
Andy: These are delicious.
Erin: But... they're penises.

Pam: No, that's a great idea. Let's have a code name. How about Mondays? I hate Mondays? Mondays are the worst?
Angela: Nobody's named Monday.
Ryan: Hey, how about we go with Pam? Simple, easy to remember.
Pam: 'Cause there's someone already here named Pam.

Andy: Well, first just let me say that I hope when I'm done with the sort of ugly bits that we can stay friends.
Jessica: You're breaking up with me?
Andy: Uh, no. No. You always do this. You twist my words around. Part of me thinks we should just end this right now.
Jessica: Oh, my God. Are you leaving me for Erin? You said she wasn't relationship material and she wasn't as good as me, but it's her, isn't it?
Andy: Whoa! That? No. Okay. You want honesty? Super-honesty time. I'm gay.
Jessica: What?
Andy: I am gay, and I prefer men.
Kenny: I knew it!
Andy: You did not, Kenny!
Kenny: You invited me to go shopping with you.
Andy: I like hanging out with you. You're a cool guy. Which proves my point. That I'm gay.
Jessica: Andy, you're not gay. I mean, we were... together. And you seemed pretty excitable.
Andy: Well, I was faking it. I had to fake it every time. I had to imagine that I was in a steam room with John Stamos.
Jessica: I can't say it doesn't make sense.
Andy: Well... I mean, I was good at hiding it, but-
Jessica: Look, it's fine, Andy. I didn't think we were gonna get married or anything. I just- I'm just upset for now.
Andy: Understandable. And I'm really sorry. I really am. So, we should probably go.

Robert: This humble but sincere effort is all for our valued new colleague. Excellent.
Oscar: To Nellie Bertram, you are a most welcome and friendly presence at our company.
Robert: Cheers.
Nellie: Why thank you.
Oscar: Pam, on the other hand, is a most unwelcome, entitled, unfriendly presence in our company.
All: Cheers.
Angela: Nellie is terrific, but to be honest, every day I imagine how happy I'd be if Pam died. [laughter]
Jim: Oh. Well. I feel that as someone who knows Pam only a little bit... enough. A good amount. Not the most, though. I would say that she is misunderstood and that maybe there's some stuff in her past that you guys don't know about that's a little messed up and probably makes her such a torture to work with.
Creed: We hate Pam. We hate Pam.
All: We hate Pam! We hate Pam!

Andy: Hi. Super-duper honesty time. I'm not gay. In fact, I'm so not gay, I'm in love with a girl. Her name is Erin Hannon and she's right there. She's sweet, funny and beautiful and total relationship material.
Megan: Why the hell did you come back here?
Jessica: Go away.
Kenny: Get lost!
Woman: Get out!
Andy: Okay.
Lauren: You're done!
Andy: Bye guys.
Lauren: Get out! You ruined my party! Who does that? Are you kidding me? [Andy and Erin run to the car] Yeah, run away!

Pam: Hey, Hank.
Hank: Yes ma'am.
Pam: I thought I was very specific about you not letting up a magician.
Hank: Yes ma'am. I got my eyes open.
Jim: Well, turns out he actually made it up there.
Hank: What? That ain't right.
Pam: Yeah, he came and went.
Hank: Wait a minute! You said it was a magician, right? [Pam nods] You don't think he could've used... it couldn't have been...
Pam: Let's just- Let's go.
Jim: Night-night.