Best ‘The Office’ Quotes Page 2 of 25
Quote from Jim in Conflict Resolution
Michael Scott: Okay. So, Dwight, in your own words, "Someone replaced all my pens and pencils with crayons.
I suspect Jim Halpert." "Everyone has called me Dwayne all day. I think Jim Halpert paid them to."
Jim: [aside to camera:] Yes. 5 bucks each and it was totally worth it.
Michael Scott: "This morning I found a bloody glove in my desk drawer, and Jim Halpert tried to convince me I committed murder. I think he may be the real murderer." "Jim Halpert said there was an abandoned infant in the women's room. When I went to save the child, I saw Meredith on the can." Gag. "This morning, I knocked myself in the head with the phone."
Jim: [aside to camera:] That actually took a while. I had to put more and more nickels into his handset, till he got used to the weight. And then I just took them all out.
Michael Scott: "Every time I typed my name, it said diapers."
Jim: [aside to camera:] Just a simple macro. You know, these actually don't sound that funny, one after another. But he does deserve it, though.
Michael Scott: "By the end of the day, my desk was about two feet closer to the copier."
Jim: [aside to camera:] Yeah. I just moved it an inch every time he went to the bathroom. And that's how I spent my entire day, that day.
Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in Secret Santa
Dwight K. Schrute: For several weeks, my Secret Santa has been giving me pieces of a machine that I've been attempting to assemble. I'm suspicious of this because I had the exact same idea for catching Osama bin Laden. I would simply send him a different piece each day. He would assemble it to find himself... in jail!
Quote from Michael Scott in Michael Scott Paper Company
Michael Scott: Maybe the Michael Scott Paper Company was a huge mistake. I should leave. I should go, and start my own paper company. That'll show 'em.
Quote from Michael Scott in Did I Stutter?
Michael Scott: I am a good person, and sometimes good people don't get no respect. Rodney Dangerfield. [as Rodney Dangerfield] Hey, I don't get no respect. No respect at all. When I was in the sandbox as a kid, I got no respect. My wife likes to talk after sex. So she called me from a hotel room, said, "I don't respect you." Thoughtless. Ah, you know what don't get no respect? Airplane food. Why don't they just make the plane out of the airline food? [as Andy Kaufman] My wife don't get no respect. Someone take her, please, for example. [as Jeff Foxworthy] If you don't get no respect, you might be a redneck. [as Borat] Respect is nice. Borat. [as Jerry Seinfeld] What's the deal with grape nuts? No grapes, no nuts. [as Rodney Dangerfield] I don't get no respect.
Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in Phyllis' Wedding
Dwight K. Schrute: I saw Wedding Crashers accidentally. I bought a ticket for Grizzly Man and went into the wrong theater. After an hour, I figured I was in the wrong theater, but I kept waiting. Because that's the thing about bear attacks, they come when you least expect it.
Quote from Ryan in Initiation
Dwight K. Schrute: Brain teaser. I have two coins, totaling 15 cents. One of them is not a nickel. What are they?
Ryan: A dime and a nickel.
Dwight K. Schrute: No. I said one of them is not a nickel.
Ryan: But the other one is. I've heard that before.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay. A man and his son get into a car accident. They are rushed to the hospital. The doctor says, "There is no way I can operate on this boy",
Ryan: "Because he's my son." The doctor is the boy's mother.
Dwight K. Schrute: A man is found hanging from the ceiling-
Ryan: He stepped on a block of ice, hung himself and the ice melted.
Dwight K. Schrute: A hunter-
Ryan: It's a polar bear, because you're at the North Pole.
Quote from Michael Scott in Finale
Michael Scott: [crying] I feel like all my kids grew up and then they married each other. It's every parent's dream.
Quote from Michael Scott in The Chump
Michael Scott: And if I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.
All: No. No.
Jim: That's... not okay.
Michael Scott: Okay, alright.
Dwight K. Schrute: You were being really funny, and then you went too far.
Michael Scott: I would kill Bin Laden and then Toby.
Quote from Stanley in Did I Stutter?
Stanley: It's like I used to tell my wife. "I do not apologize unless I think I'm wrong and if you don't like it, you can leave." And I say the same thing to my current wife, and I'll say it to my next one too.
Quote from Dwight K. Schrute in Welcome Party
Dwight K. Schrute: I wonder if king-sized sheets are called presidential-sized in England. I really should have a Tweeter account.