Todd: I am going through a twelve-step program. I'm currently on step zero. Which is have a [bleep] of fun. I spent six hours carefully removing the frosting and then layering in a variety of drugs, some legal, some not, some laxative, some constipating. You don't fire the Pac-Man and expect to get away with it.

Pam: Todd, you're just saying insults in the form of an apology.
Todd: Why can't I just be nice? Truth is, I really like you guys. I really do. Okay. The apology's just half of it. The big thing is making amends. And, that's why I brought these. I went out to the Steamtown Mall and I got you all cupcakes. From that place Nipples.
Pam: I think it's called Nibbles.
Todd: Huh. The mind sees what it wants to, huh?

Michael Scott: Todd Packer, terrific rep. Do you mind if I take it?
Jan: Go ahead.
Michael Scott: Packman.
Todd: [on the phone] Hey, you big queen.
Michael Scott: Oh. That's not appropriate.
Todd: Is old Godzillary coming in today?
Michael Scott: I, uh- I don't know what you mean.
Todd: I've been meaning to ask her one question. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Michael Scott: Oh, my God! Oh! That's horrifying. Horrible. Horrible person.

Ryan: You a big William Hung fan?
Todd: Why does everybody ask me that? Who the hell is that?

Todd: Hi, all.
Phyllis: Why are you here, Todd?
Todd: Okay. Let's get right to it. I guess. My name is Todd Packer and I am in recovery. I'm working the steps. I'm on step eight of Alcoholics Anonymous and step nine of Narcotics Anonymous. I'm here to make amends. I've been hard to deal with over the past years. Kind of a jerk. I know it. I don't need you to accept my apology, but I'd love it if you did.
Kevin: Packer, we accept.
Todd: Actually, they have a specific way I need to do this. And, I have to go through examples of stuff. OK. Uh, where to begin. Hey. Pam-pam and her pam-pams. Wow. I have said some crude things about those. But, they are beautiful. And, I guess that's why I acted out. Pam, I'm sorry I objectified you. And, personified your breasts. Sorry, guys. [to Phyllis] Oh boy. I have not been nice to you. Philly, I'm sorry for the things I said about your size. To your face, behind your back, and in the form of drawings. Actually, that goes to all you double XLs. Stanley, Kevin, [points to Clark] this kid in a few years.

Todd: Hey, uh, I just wanted to say I'm sorry for screwing you.
Meredith: I'm not sorry about it.
Todd: I am. It was my rock bottom.

Michael Scott: [answering phone] Michael Scott, as seen on TV.
Todd Packer: [high-pitched voice] I saw you on the news and I want to pinch your tiny wiener... [normal voice] It's Packer!
Michael Scott: Oh, Pack Man, I thought you were a girl!

Cathy: Seriously disgusting.
Dwight K. Schrute: Cathy, you will be the hot girl who talks to bloggers.
Cathy: Ugh. Kill me. That was my idea.
Dwight K. Schrute: Packer, you will be the sexual predator who has come to prey on the trendy teenage girls who are obsessed with the Pyramid.
Todd: Uh...
Nellie: Uh, that is excellent.
Todd: I don't see what that gets us, but I'm a team player.
Dwight K. Schrute: Perfect casting, right?
[aside to camera:]
Todd: Schrute's out to get me. But I'm playing the long game. As soon as he messes up, I swoop in like a sexual predator.

Todd: What has two thumbs and likes to bone your mom? This guy!

Michael Scott: I can't get a stripper here. Sexual harassment.
Todd: Get one for the girls, too. That evens it out. Like, you know, separate but equal.
Michael Scott: So that's what that means.