Andy: I'm not asking for one, I need it.
Phyllis: If you're just handing them out, I want one too.
Andy: Phyllis, no body is handing anything out.
Pam: See, this is what I'm talking about.
Andy: What are you gonna play Majong faster?

Jim: So, this hot chocolate thing.
Dwight K. Schrute: None of your business.
Jim: Well, you know you can't actually poison him, right?
Dwight K. Schrute: It wasn't poison, Jim, it was a laxative. People take laxatives all the time. This is just, a lot more of a laxative. Let me handle it.

Dwight K. Schrute: There are over four hundred of these!
Jim: Yeah, I couldn't cut it down.
Dwight K. Schrute: They're all good. So good! Number three: eat a frog. That sounds promising. Number four: eat a dog. I don't know, um, from practical stand point-
Jim: One thirty-five. Did you like one thirty-five?
Dwight K. Schrute: Eat a brog. Maybe it's because I didn't understand it. I just had a couple of notes, let me grab a pen. [Dwight tries to open a drawer on his desk, but it only pulls out two inches] Damn it. Gah! Just when we were getting going.

Andy: Allow all cookies? Why certainly! Pop-ups? Yes, please! Bittorrent streaming from a Somalian music website? Yeah! Why not? Oh, I hope you don't get sick, Mr. Computer. [robotic voice] Why are you doing this to me Andy? 'cause I hate your programs!

Todd: [on the phone] Well thanks, will do.
Jim: [in a Southern accent] Absolutely, now when you get down there, Jo's a little bit, uh, forgetful. So she may have locked the gate, but what you're gonna do is go ahead, hop it, and just head back to the pool.
Todd: That sounds weird.
Jim: It is weird! Look at you, perceptive. Now I know why Jo's kept her eye on you!
Dwight K. Schrute: [in a Southern accent] And you make sure to get down there and check out that Harry Potter World.
Jim: Whatever you wanna do in your spare time is up to you!
Dwight K. Schrute: Harry Potter World is supposed to be fantastic!

Dwight K. Schrute: [on phone, in Southern accent] Check it out and have a free butterbeer on us. Keep the receipt and we'll get ya' back!
Michael Scott: What are you doing?
Jim: [wrapping up the phone call] All right, so just pack your bags and, uh, be sure to bring those swimming trunks! Bye now! [hangs up]
Michael Scott: I cannot believe this, you're sending Packer to Florida? Why?
Jim: He's a jerk.
Dwight K. Schrute: He took my desk.
Michael Scott: Okay, so you're tricking him into flying to Florida?
Dwight K. Schrute: This wasn't my first choice, Jim had so many better ideas.
Michael Scott: You have to tell him. You have to tell him what you did.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, no, no. That is not in the plan. That is actually anti-what we're doing.

Darryl: Saw Andy's new computer you found in the warehouse.
Pam: Yep. Lucked out.
Darryl: Yeah, you really did. 'cause I know every inch of that warehouse.
Pam: Yep, super lucky.
Darryl: Maybe you could go back down there and see if you can find me some extra sick days.
Pam: ... Yeah. You know what, I think I saw one sick day.
Darryl: I think maybe I saw five.
Pam: Three. [Darryl nods]
[aside to camera:]
Pam: I'm full on corrupt!

Pam: We just don't have the budget for it, okay? Reception needed a computer so we got one.
Andy: Well, Andy's desk needs a computer. And, I mean, it's just kinda a coincidence that I work there, but...
Pam: Yes, but reception is a one person department. If I get you a new computer, I have to get one for everyone in sales. For Dwight, for Stanley, it would be crazy.
Stanley: So something good happening to Stanley is crazy now?

Oscar: Michael, how's this supposed to work? Packer's gonna keep saying terrible things, and then he's just gonna make half-assed apologies. And we're back to square one.
Todd: Okay. You want an apology? Here it goes. Kevin, I am so sorry. You are skinny and you are a genius.
Michael Scott: Okay, that- That was maybe too much. Packer is a survivor of divorce, Stanley. Packer doesn't speak with his child, Meredith. Packer never lived up to his parent's expectations, Andy. Angela loves pussy cats, and Packer loves-
Angela: No! Don't!
Michael Scott: I was going to say dogs! Okay, you know what, this is over. Apology has been issued. And we're through with it. Packer will be here until the day he dies, just like the rest of us.

Todd: I really thought I was becoming too much of a womanizer. I realized I had shirts in five different women's houses.
Michael Scott: Still not seeing the problem here.
Todd: All right, truth is I gotta couple love bumps on my ding-dong so, it's like, oh, game-over!