Phyllis: Perfect. I hate registries.
Pam: Oh, good.
Phyllis: My cousin makes the most amazing romantic birdhouse mailboxes. I know I shouldn't tell you, but you'll still be surprised when you see it. You're not registered for a birdhouse, are you?
Pam: No, we're not.
Phyllis: Good. Good.

[Jim enters Michael's office and sees Oscar, Stanley, Creed and Kelly sitting there]
Jim: Okay, I thought I saw people missing.
Michael Scott: Yeah, just focus-grouping a product expansion idea to these folks. Got one of each.
Jim: Really? Hey, Stanley, what was the last thing Michael said before I came through the door?
Michael Scott: Stanley, you don't need to answer that.
Jim: Stanley?
Stanley: "If you don't smell this, you're fired."

Michael Scott: It is one thing, me giving you the co-manager title. It is another thing, you bossing me around.
Jim: I'm not bossing you around. I'm trying to do my job, which is sharing your job, so maybe we should just call David Wallace.
Michael Scott: No, no, no. No, we will not call David Wallace. I will call David Wallace.
Erin: David Wallace is on line two for you guys.
Michael Scott: Or David Wallace will call us on line two.

David: [on speaker phone] Hey, guys. Um, I'm calling, because, unfortunately, we will not be able to give out cost of living raises this year, and I know people expect it. However, there just is only a small amount of money for each branch, so we're leaving it up to the managers to decide how to distribute it.
Michael Scott: Got it, Dave. Sounds like your classic big-picture decision.
Jim: Which will clearly affect the day-to-day well-being of our employees.
David: It's probably a little of both.
Michael Scott: Which is it more of?
David: Excuse me?
Jim: David, I know that I'm very new at this, but I have a very good perspective on how things work.
David: Wait, I'm sorry. Michael, are you- Are you texting me?
Michael Scott: I thought maybe we could talk after this is over.

Michael Scott: All right, I am looking forward to this.
Jim: You don't have to lie.
Michael Scott: I hate the fact that we have to do this together. I think we work better separately. When I am irritated and I look at you, I don't see you anymore.
Jim: Right.
Michael Scott: All I can see is how big and gross the pores on your nose are.
Jim: All right. Let's get started.

Michael Scott: You know, there's no easy way to do this. I say we add 1.5% to their paychecks and don't say anything about it.
Jim: Do you mean, like break-in in the middle of the night and change the numbers on payroll?
Michael Scott: No, we can do it during the day. It doesn't have to be that dramatic, Jim.

Jim: Okay, so for the 1.5% increase, pro: everyone gets a little bit.
Michael Scott: [nerdy voice] Con: you look like a nerd.
Jim: Con: no one gets as much as they did last year.
Michael Scott: Pro: you get to share your pros and cons list with the other nerds.
Jim: Pro: no favoritism.
Michael Scott: Con: you unzip your pants, and you find that there's a calculator down there.

Jim: Look, you have a lot of strengths.
Michael Scott: Oh, I do? Tell me what they are.
Jim: I think that you are able to take constructive criticism very well.
Michael Scott: Ha! That- I am not known for that!
Jim: But there is a reason why I'm here!
Michael Scott: Yes! You went over my head to Wallace!
Jim: No, it's because you also have a lot of weaknesses, Michael!
Michael Scott: Okay. Well, why don't you tell me what those are, Jim? Why don't you enliven me?

Jim: Wow! I'm just gonna rewind and back off a bit, so... [imitates a tape rewinding, nobody laughs]
Michael Scott: [coming to Jim's aid, chuckling] That was good! That was good! Okay, all right. Well, we all know it's hard to be a boss, right? You know what? Look around you. These are your best friends. These are the people who will open their hearts to you. They all have heart-ons for you and that is a gift. So in terms of gifts, we should be giving each other gifts. Angela, yes, lend Oscar a cup of sugar. This-
Angela: What are you talking about Michael?
Stanley: We just need to hear your plan for our raise.
Michael Scott: My plan. A man. Panama.
Andy: That's not how that goes.

Meredith: [to Michael] You're not saying anything. At least Jim was being direct...
Jim: Thank you, Meredith.
Meredith: ...when he was telling us his dumb-ass plan.