Meredith: What was your cell like?
Martin: Not good. It's a little bit bigger than Michael's office, but, you know, I really only slept there, you know? During the day our time's our own. They had classes. I took some watercolor classes.
Pam: They have art classes?
Martin: Yeah.
Ryan: Did they have business classes there?
Martin: They did, taught by some Harvard Business School guys. A lot of the guys also that were in the class, the inmates, a lot of them have gone on to do extraordinary things in business.
Michael Scott: Terrible things.
Pam: It kinda sounds like prison's better than Dunder Mifflin.

Creed: Baby. Hello, baby. Here, you want to play with this?
Karen: You can't give paper clips to a baby. He could swallow them.
Creed: Oh, it's okay. I've got tons of them. You like that? [cooing]

Andy: Pam-a-lama-ding-dong. Listen, you're cute. There is no getting around it. So, I don't know if you like country music, but I was thinking maybe one of these days we could drive out to a field, crank up some tunes, smoke a few Macanudos, maybe even toss a disc around. Ut-way ooh-day ooh-yay ink-thay, am-Pay?
Pam: Wow. I-
Andy: Shh. Think about it. I'll hit you back.

Michael Scott: Okay! Listen up, everybody! Um, you guys said that prison was better than this place. And I heard you loud and clear. So, I am instituting some changes to make this more like prison. We are going to start with an hour of outdoor time. So let's go!
[cut to:]
Pam: Michael, it's freezing out.
Phyllis: I can't feel my toes.
Michael Scott: Why don't we pump some iron? Anybody wanna pump up?
Jim: What is that, like, five pounds?
Michael Scott: It's, uh, two-and-a-half. I'm not going for bulk, I'm going for tone.

Michael Scott: These people don't realize how lucky they are. This office is the American dream and they would rather be in the hole.

Jim: Oh, Andy. I thought of one last tack you could take with Pam.
Andy: Yeah? What?
Jim: Quick question. Do you play the guitar?
Andy: I play the banjo.
Jim: Hold on, let me think about that. Yes, that'll work. But can you sing in a sexy, high falsetto voice?
Andy: [high-pitched, singing] You know I can, my man!
Jim: Yep, that's perfect.

Michael Scott: Hey, that's just the way we talk in the clink. Been a lot of fun talk about prison today, but I am here to scare you straight. I am here to scare you straight! In prison you are somebody's bitch. Oh, and you. You, my friend, would be the belle of the ball. Don't drop the soap. Don't drop the soap.
Ryan: Michael, please.
Jim: Where did you learn all of this?
Michael Scott: Internet.
Jim: So, not prison.
Michael Scott: And prison. It's 50-50. Both.

Michael Scott: Look, prison stinks, is what I'm saying. It's not like you can go home and recharge your batteries and come back in the morning and be with your friends, having fun in the office.
Jim: What did you do, Prison Mike?
Michael Scott: I stole and I robbed and I kidnapped the President's son and held him for ransom.
Jim: That is quite the rap sheet, Prison Mike.
Michael Scott: And I never got caught, neither.
Jim: Well, you were in prison, but...

Pam: Prison Mike, what was the food like in prison?
Michael Scott: Gruel sandwiches. Gruel omelets. Nothing but gruel. Plus, you can eat your own hair.
Andy: Wow. Prison sounds horrible.
Michael Scott: Yeah, yeah. Well, thank you, Andy. Thanks.
Dwight K. Schrute: Prison Mike, what's the very, very worst thing about prison?
Angela: Don't encourage him, Dwight.
Michael Scott: The worst thing about prison was the Dementors. They were flying all over the place and they were scary and then they'd come down and they'd suck the soul out of your body and it hurt!
Karen: Dementors like in Harry Potter?
Michael Scott: No, not Harry Potter. There are no movies in prison. This is my point. You guys got it soft and cushy. This place is freaking awesome! The people are awesome. Your boss is nice. Everybody seems to get along. People are tolerant. People who would jump to conclusions can redeem themselves. Nobody is nobody's bitch. I hope that this scared you, and from me, Prison Mike to you, I just wanna thank you for listening to me and letting me be a part of your life today. 'Cause you got a good life! You got a good life, a good life.

Toby: Michael, why is everyone locked in the conference room?
Michael Scott: They were very disrespectful to me and to the office and Martin has had a bad influence. To think that I gave him the benefit of the doubt. It's-
Toby: Well, you're gonna have to let them out, or I will, okay?
Michael Scott: Okay, you know what, Toby? I am teaching them a lesson, so-
Toby: You know they're teasing you. I mean, obviously this is a much nicer place than an actual prison. We get paid to be here. We go home afterwards and have social lives. And we have parties here. They're teasing you to be funny.