Dwight K. Schrute: Come on, the whole two bullet thing is a red herring. Here's how you do it: You line them all up, you take one bullet, shoot them all through the throat at the same time. Watch this. Phyllis, you're Hitler. Come up here. Toby, you're Toby. Andy, you're Bin Laden. Line up, throats together.
Toby: I don't wanna do this.
Michael Scott: [shouting] Toby, just do it! God!
Dwight K. Schrute: Toby, come on. Ready, one bullet. And boom!
Jim: Yeah, that works.

Pam: What flavors did you get?
Erin: It's so exciting, Pam. The Eagles are doing a theme of ice creams in honor of turning 60.
Pam: "Despera-dough". "Witchy-womanilla". Why do they do this?

Mediator: I don't follow this exactly. Uh, "The Descendants of any replicants from this union shall have..."
Dwight and Angela: Joint custody
Mediator: Are we talking about your grandchildren?
Angela: No.
Dwight K. Schrute: No.
[aside to camera:]
Angela: Rather than spend all day in court, we've decided to settle our dispute using a mediator. It was an option spelled out in our child-rearing contract.
Dwight K. Schrute: Alleged contract.
Angela: Alleged? I'm going to own your farm by the time this is over.
Dwight K. Schrute: Just try. I will do legal jujitsu on you. Gyah! [pretends to karate chop her neck] See, don't even need to make contact. The law will do it.

Andy: No secret crying. Hasn't even opened the tissue box in there.
Pam: Could he still be seeing her?
Phyllis: I don't think he'd do that.
Jim: So we're gonna say the most likely scenario is that Michael matured overnight?
Andy: Well, it happened to Tom Hanks in Big.
Jim: Exactly. It happened in Big.

Dwight K. Schrute: $30,000? There's gotta be another way.
Angela: He has a 60-acre beet farm that is worth a small fortune.
Dwight K. Schrute: Look, I will not pay.
Angela: Well, I have an alternative. [hands Dwight a document]
Dwight K. Schrute: "Intercourse to completion, five individual times rendered at my discretion?"
Mediator: Look, I don't think that's actually legal.
Dwight K. Schrute: Agreed. [shakes hands with Angela]
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Five times for $30,000? Not a bad stud fee. Better than most horses.

Dwight K. Schrute: But not in your bed. It's lumpy.
Angela: Those lumps are cats, and those cats have names, and those names are Ember, Milky Way, Diane, and Lumpy.
Dwight K. Schrute: Fine. Five times.

Michael Scott: Well, that was not at all what I expected. Hoo hoo, whoo. My heart's still racing. I just looked a man in the eyes and I shook his hand. All the time I was thinking, "I'm sleeping with your wife." And you know who does that? James freakin' Bond.

Ryan: You know what? I think you're attractive, and I wanna sleep with you.
Erin: What about Kelly?
Ryan: You read my mind.
Erin: [quietly] Is this a joke?
Ryan: Yep.
[returning to Michael in the kitchen:]
Ryan: It's hard to live that way man. You gotta really not care what people think about you. I- I don't know how you do it, Michael. I-I- I can't be that cold.

Darryl: Probably shouldn't tell you this, but a lotta guys in the warehouse work multiple jobs, so... we have a place.
Jim: A place?
Darryl: A restful location. Talk to Glen. He'll take you up in the lift.
Pam: You sleep in the warehouse?
Darryl: Light bulb's burnt out, so it's dark. And the heat from the backup generator keeps it nice and warm. Sometimes I think about it when I'm trying to fall asleep at home. But as far as the rest of the office goes, it doesn't exist, okay?

Erin: This is all for Michael. It turns out his girlfriend was married.
Pam: Yeah, and when Michael gets a broken heart, this whole place comes to a halt, so we're just trying to get out in front of this.
Erin: After his last breakup, he ate 40,000 calories in three hours. Right, Pam? That's what Pam told me.
Pam: [yawns] Yeah. Or no. Well, I don't know. I'm sorry. I was up all night with Cece, otherwise I'd be running this.
Erin: That's okay. You probably shouldn't keep a baby up that late, though.