‘Stress Relief’
Season 5, Episode 14 - Aired February 1, 2009
As Dwight stages an elaborate fire drill at the office, Stanley has a heart attack. When Michael tries to help his staff calm down, he is disturbed to learn he is the one stressing them out. Michael decides there should be a comedy roast for his employees to poke fun at their boss. Meanwhile, Jim and Pam watch a pirated movie with Andy.
Quote from Dwight K. Schrute
Dwight K. Schrute: Last week I gave a fire safety talk. And nobody paid any attention. It's my own fault for using PowerPoint. PowerPoint is boring. People learn in lots of different ways, but experience is the best teacher.
Today, smoking is gonna save lives.
Quote from Michael Scott
Michael Scott: Nobody should have to go to work thinking, "Oh, this is the place that I might die today." That's what a hospital is for. An office is for not dying. An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max, to... An office is a place where dreams come true.
Quote from Pam
Pam: Well, I just want to take a minute to talk to you all about something very serious. Once every hour, someone is involved in an internet scam. That man is Michael Scott. [laughter] He's supporting about 20 Nigerian princesses.
Michael Scott: Hey, you know what? Forgive me for caring. Right?
Pam: Well, you know, Michael is a great delegator. He never does any work himself. Ever. [Dwight laughs] And one time, I walked in on him naked, and his thing is so small. [walks off stage] If it were an iPod it would be a shuffle!
Quote from Dwight K. Schrute
David: How could you possibly think this is a good idea?
Dwight K. Schrute: A lot of ideas were not appreciated in their time.
Michael Scott: Electricity.
Dwight K. Schrute: Shampoo.
David: You could have burned down the whole building.
Dwight K. Schrute: I just want to say for the record, I did not kill anyone. Stanley was attacked by his own heart. And he should be released from the hospital and back in the office in a couple days.
Quote from Michael Scott
CPR Trainer: So, assessing the situation. Are they breathing?
Michael Scott: No, Rose. They are not breathing. And they have no arms or legs.
CPR Trainer: No, that's not part of it.
Michael Scott: Where are they? You know what? If we come across somebody with no arms or legs do we bother resuscitating them? I mean, what kind of quality of life do we have there?
Kevin: I would want to live with no legs.
Michael Scott: How about no arms? No arms or legs is basically how you exist right now, Kevin. You don't do anything.
Quote from Dwight K. Schrute
Michael Scott: Hi, everyone. Corporate has given Dwight two strikes. They are very, very upset with him. So, as a disciplinary measure he is going to have to issue a formal apology. Dwight, have you prepared your statement of regret?
Dwight K. Schrute: I have.
Michael Scott: Let's hear it.
Dwight K. Schrute: [clears throat] "I state my regret."
Jim: You couldn't have memorized that?
Dwight K. Schrute: I could not, because I do not feel it. Okay, everyone. I am going to need you to sign this statement of regret as an acknowledgement that you heard it. Okay? Everyone come on up here. It's not a big deal.
Phyllis: It is a big deal. You almost killed Stanley.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah, right. I filled him full of butter and sugar for 50 years and forced him not to exercise. Now, take a lesson from Stanley and jog on up here and sign this, okay? Make a line. Just form a line right here. Sign it! Sign it now!
Quote from Meredith
Meredith: Michael? You ran over me with your car. You posted a picture of my bare boobs on the bulletin board with a caption that said "Gross"...
Michael Scott: Well-
Meredith: Michael, you are the reason I drink. You are the reason I live to forget.
Quote from Creed
Creed: Give it up, he's dead.
Jim: He just sent a text.
Creed: What's a text?
Quote from Stanley
Michael Scott: You know who I really think should go? Stanley.
Stanley: Oh, I don't know.
Phyllis: That's not a good idea, Michael.
Michael Scott: Come on.
Phyllis: He needs to rest.
Michael Scott: No rest for the sick. We are not always going to be there to coddle your heart back when it disappears to be working. What are you gonna do if you're by yourself and your heart stops?
Stanley: I would die.
Michael Scott: And you're okay with that?
Stanley: I'm okay with the logic of it.
Quote from Dwight K. Schrute
Lawyer: Did you shout, "Fire!", causing a panic?
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes I shouted "Fire!" I shouted many things! I also shouted instructions on how to get out of the building, so you can imagine my frustration as safety officer when nobody would heed of what-- heeded--
Michael Scott: Hed. Hedded.
Dwight K. Schrute: When no one hedded--
Michael Scott: Take hedded of.
Dwight K. Schrute: When no one would take hedded of my instructions.
Michael Scott: Heed. Heed.
Dwight K. Schrute: So, you--
Michael Scott: Take heed of.
Dwight K. Schrute: And, well, I don't see my co-workers hee-heeding this right now.