Stanley: Over the course of this documentary I've had three affairs. If you find my body in a ditch, let me save the police some trouble: my wife did it.

Stanley: It's like I used to tell my wife. "I do not apologize unless I think I'm wrong and if you don't like it, you can leave." And I say the same thing to my current wife, and I'll say it to my next one too.

Stanley: Yes, I have a dream. And it's not some M.L.K. Dream for Equality. I want to own a decommissioned lighthouse. And I want to live at the top. And nobody knows I live there. And there's a button that I can press, and it'll launch that lighthouse into space.

Stanley: It might be easier if you take a deep breath, lift from the knees, and shove it up your butt.
[aside to camera:]
Stanley: I came up with a new thing this summer. I act like I'm telling someone how to do somethin'. I go on with a long description and then I say, "and shove it up your butt." [laughs] It's stupid, but it's my thing now.

Stanley: So do they bring in food, or do you get to go out?
Toby: No, they bring it in.
Stanley: You lucky son of a bitch.
[aside to camera:]
Stanley: I have been trying to get on jury duty every single year since I was 18 years old. To get to go sit in an air-conditioned room downtown, judging people while my lunch is paid for... That is the life.

Michael Scott: Now we're cooking. I like this. Maybe a whole theme, like a rap. A rap rhyme.
Jim: An urban thing.
Michael Scott: An urban- Yeah, Stanley, you wanna help us out with that? Stanley! Earth to Stanley.
Stanley: Not me.
Michael Scott: Yes, you. Come on, Stanley, put your little game down and join the group. No. Stanley, we're having-
Stanley: Leave me alone, damn it.
Michael Scott: We're having a brainstorm session!
Stanley: Did I stutter?!

Stanley: Andy's from the generation that thinks they should all be famous. What happened to the generation that knew you shut up, did your work, and died quietly from a heart attack?

Michael Scott: [on the phone] Yes, is Mr. Hudson there?
Stanley: Yeah, who is this?
Michael Scott: Well I'm just calling because you responded positively to-
Stanley: Michael?
Michael Scott: Stanley?
Stanley: Why are you calling me here at home?
Michael Scott: [in a Mexican accent] Señor, are you happy with your long distance, sir?
Stanley: Michael, I know that's you. Why are you calling me here at home?
Michael Scott: [different voice] Have you con- Have you considered satellite television?
Stanley: Michael, I know that's you. I know your voice.
Michael Scott: All right.
Stanley: Why are you calling me here at home? When I'm at home at night in my own house in my sweats, drinking some red wine, watching my mystery stories, the last thing in the whole godforsaken world I want to hear is the voice of Michael Scott.

Stanley: I happen to be losing weight on my own for my own reasons. The truth is I have lost a little of my speed. A little of my fire. Here's what I used to look like. Look at those biceps. We were fighting the power and eating whatever we wanted.

Pam: What's "Scott's Tots?"
Stanley: [breaking out laughing] Has it really been ten years?
[aside to camera:]
Stanley: [holding up a newspaper] "Local businessman pledges college tuition to third graders" [laughs]