Michael Scott: Carole, how are you?
Carole: I'm great! How are you?
Michael Scott: I'm great! I saw your-your sign outside. And I decided, I'm going to pull in, and maybe buy a house from her.
Carole: You didn't call my office and ask them where I was?
Michael Scott: No.
Carole: Because the receptionist told me that a man called, but he would only say that he was my ex-lover.
Michael Scott: Weird.
Carole: Yeah.
Michael Scott: He sounds like a nice guy.

Jan: No! In the beginning we were not good.
Michael Scott: Well, there was a little bit of a learning curve in the conversation department, but between the sheets we were like Jordan and Pippin!
Jan: Well, if there's anything exciting about it it's because we both knew it was wrong!
Michael Scott: Because we work together.
Jan: No, okay. Imagine there's a princess, who falls for a guy beneath her station, and the queen doesn't like this at all. And the princess knows that the queen doesn't like it so it just makes her wanna do it all the more just to get at the queen!
Michael Scott: Am I the princess?
Jan: No, I'm the princess, and the queen.
Michael Scott: So I'm the guy at the station?

Angela: Who's this guy by our cars?
Dwight K. Schrute: That is my new maintenance worker, Nate. And you'll be happy to know that he's taking care of that hornet's nest that you've been griping about.
Phyllis: Yeah, I got stung up my dress.
Dwight K. Schrute: Poor hornet. I left him all the tools he needs. This is do or die. If he chooses correctly he'll conquer the hornets...
Andy: And if he doesn't?
Dwight K. Schrute: He'll die.
Andy: Uh, beg your pardon?
Dwight K. Schrute: When did the phrase do or die become so corrupted?

Michael Scott: Good morning Erin, any mustaches? I mean messages?
Erin: [giggles] Terrific!
[aside to camera:]
Michael Scott: There are many reasons a man would wear a fake mustache to work. [spinning in chair] He is a fan of the outrageous. He loves to surprise! He loves... other things as well.

Michael Scott: Just a cold sore, thank you. Phyllis, I don't have acne. I have a cold sore. I don't even have a cold. I don't know how I got it.
Kevin: I know how you got it.
Michael Scott: How?
Kevin: Michael come on. A cold sore is herpes.
Michael Scott: What?

Meredith: I know tons and tons of people who have herpes. I have it myself. That's what it is.
Kevin: I never seen herpes on you.
Meredith: Because it's on my genitals, genius.
Kevin: You have a penis?

Kelly: Can we please talk about how gross Meredith is?
Angela: This is what you get when you treat your body like an outhouse.
Andy: You know what guys, why don't we just chill out on this herp-chat, okay? I was an R.A. in college and I can tell you, number one sexually transmitted disease ... is ignorance.

Michael Scott: How did this happen, how did I get this?
Dwight K. Schrute: Sometimes it can lie dormant in a woman for years. They may not even know they have it.
Michael Scott: You know what, I feel like one of those old-timey sailors. With the eye patch. [in pirate voice] It's me own damn fault. Girl in every port.
Dwight K. Schrute: What port? The Jan port. The Holly Por...
Michael Scott: Don't even! Holly was clean! Okay? If anything I gave it to her.

Dwight K. Schrute: You need to contact every woman you've been with, and notify them of your herpes infestation. It's the right thing to do.
Michael Scott: There's no way I'm gonna do that.
Dwight K. Schrute: Then I will.

Donna: [on the phone] Hello?
Michael Scott: Hi Donna. It's Michael.
Donna: Michael, I didn't think I'd here from you. How have you been?
Michael Scott: I have a disease, for which there is no known cure, that has been sexually transmitted to me.
Donna: Oh no.
Michael Scott: I can't even say it. H-I...
Donna: Oh my God.
Michael Scott: ...R-P-E-E-S
Donna: Wait, you're calling to tell me that you have herpes?
Michael Scott: No, I am calling to see if you gave me herpes. Because if you did I would be able to avoid a lot of sucky conversations. So you have it right?
Donna: Umm, no.
Michael Scott: Does your stupid husband have it?
Donna: No! He doesn't. Are you telling me I have to get tested?
Michael Scott: Yes, I am telling you you have to get tested for herpes. Good-bye!