Dwight K. Schrute: If Jim has bedbugs, that means they're everywhere. I can't risk them coming back to Schrute Farms. Our biggest attraction is our 200 year old mattresses.

Dwight K. Schrute: Here we are, irrigation room. A very special room. So I'll come get you before the table-making demonstration. And as of this morning, we're completely wireless here at Schrute farms. But as soon as I find out where Mose hid all the wires, we'll get that power back on.

Dwight K. Schrute: I'm just worried about the farm, ya know? Mose hates to geld the horses by himself.
Michael Scott: Dwight, Dwight. Shut up about the farm. It's not relatable. Nobody owns a farm.
Isabel: Wait. You're worried about your horses? That's cool. How many horses do you have?
Dwight K. Schrute: Nine and three-quarters.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: I invented a device called 'Burger on the Go'. It allows you to obtain 6 regular size hamburgers, or 12 sliders, from a horse without killing the animal. George Foreman is still considering it. Sharper Image is still considering it. Sky Mall's still considering it. Hammacher Schlemmer is still considering it. Sears said no.

Dwight K. Schrute: We have three rooms, each with a different theme.
Pam: What are the themes?
Dwight K. Schrute: America, irrigation, and night time.
Pam: Irrigation.
Jim: Yes.
Dwight K. Schrute: I'll put you down for irrigation.

Archivist: There you go.
Narrator: [on video] Families and sweethearts back home waited desperately for letters from the front.
Soldier: [on video] Dearest mother I'm sorry it has been so long since my last letter. It is three months since I arrived at Schrute Farms and I fear I may never leave this place alive. Melvin Fifer Garris.
Dwight K. Schrute: Hallowed ground.
Narrator: [on video] But the Battle at Schrute Farms was no battle at all. It was a code used by pacifists from both North and South who turned the Pennsylvania farmhouse into an artistic community and a refuge from the war.
Amanda: [on video] You have to understand. Poets, artists, dancers, these kind of men preferred peace to war. These delicate lovely men found a place of refuge among the Schrutes at Schrute Farms. Amidst the macho brutality of war this was a place where dandies and dreamers could put on plays and sing tender ballads and dance in the moonlight. I like to think of Schrute Farms as the Underground Railroad for the sensitive... and well... fabulous.
Oscar: Wow. This is so much better than the story you made up.
Dwight K. Schrute: I've seen enough.
Oscar: You're right. There should be a monument to this.

Dwight K. Schrute: I'm sorry. I grew up on a farm. We slaughtered a pig whenever we wanted bacon. My grandfather was reburied in an old oil drum. It would have fit if he had given me another minute.

Dwight K. Schrute: And now, by show of applause, We will crown this year's Hay King. All in favor of Purebred. [crowd applauds] Put your hands together for Mixed Bred. [crowd applauds] And let's hear it for Purebred. [crowd applauds] Mm. It appears we have a three-way tie. I have no choice but to pick the Hay King myself. I pick... Me! I am your Hay King! All Hail your Hay King!
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Did I truck 300 bales of hay to a parking lot to rectify some childhood disappointment? Yes.

Andy: D-Bone. There you are.
Dwight K. Schrute: Let me guess, somebody needs a brownie. Lick the spoon?
Andy: No, that's okay. Just, I want, I wanted to ask you about...
Dwight K. Schrute: Is this about the profits? Because if it is I just don't see the point. It's so Wall Street.
Andy: I know, right?
Dwight K. Schrute: Right?
Andy: Yeah. Um, how is everything?
Dwight K. Schrute: Good. Really really good.
Andy: Must be a tough time to be a family farm.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, it is. And beets are not immune. We made some inroads in salads, but heirloom tomatoes are pushing back.

Dwight K. Schrute: Yesterday I was just your average, ordinary paper salesman with a farm and a bunch of pipe dreams about beet fuel. Today, I leave here a regional manager with a black belt. It really is amazing how your life can change in one day.