Dwight K. Schrute: [answering phone] Dunder Mifflin, Dwight Schrute. Please hold. Schrute farms. Guttentag. How can help you? Yes, we have availability on those nights. How many in your party? Oh, no, I'm sorry. No King beds. No Queen either. Well, we make our own mattresses that don't conform to the traditional sizes. Closest would be twin. Thank you so much for calling. Call back again. Auf wiedersehen.

Jim: Hey, Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: None of your business, Jim.
Jim: You running a bed and breakfast?
Dwight K. Schrute: It is not a B & B.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Agro-tourism is a lot more than a bed and breakfast. It consists of tourists coming to a farm, showing them around, giving them a bed, giving them breakfast.

Dwight K. Schrute: Gettysburg? Hmm. Could be interesting. Second-most northern battle in the Civil War.
Oscar: Actually, it is the northernmost.
Dwight K. Schrute: Ha!
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: The Civil War history industry has conveniently forgotten about the battle of Schrute Farms. [scoffs] Whatever. I'm over it. It's just grossly irresponsible.

Dwight K. Schrute: You know what? You can all have jobs at Schrute Farms as human scarecrows. It doesn't pay much and you can't unionize.

Andy: Dwight, I'm a little concerned about some of these directions to Schrute farms.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah, do tell.
Andy: I mean, like, "156 paces from the light red mailbox, make a left."
Dwight K. Schrute: Uh-huh.
Andy: "Walk until you hear the bee hive."
Dwight K. Schrute: How could it be more clear?
Angela: I think Andy makes an excellent point. But my biggest concern is that there's only one bathroom.
Dwight K. Schrute: We'll dig a trench. As long as it's downhill from the well, we should be fine.
Angela: Nana Mimi cannot squat over some trench.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, we're gonna put out stumps. Come on.

Dwight K. Schrute: This is where you'll have your receiving line. Of course we'll clear out all the livestock and hay and such.
Andy: Mmm. Mmm. What's that smell?
Dwight K. Schrute: You're gonna need to be more specific.
Angela: Manure. Get rid of it.
Dwight K. Schrute: Manure covers up the smell of the slaughterhouse.
Angela: Do you have to slaughter on our wedding day?
Dwight K. Schrute: You want to eat, don't you?

Dwight K. Schrute: Hello! Welcome to Hay Place! A place for hay.
Guy: Don't forget to make a broom.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, and the Petting Zoo closes at 2:00, and the Goat Roast is at 3:00. Come on in, enjoy!

Dwight K. Schrute: Hey kids, was that fun?
All: Yeah!
Dwight K. Schrute: All Right!
Little Boy: I wanna go on it again.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, I bet you do. You know what? When I was a little kid, they couldn't get me off the hayride! But it's gonna cost you three more bucks.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Wow, this brings back memories. Hay stacking, hay throwing... and at the end of it all, one lucky boy would be crowned Hay King. I always wanted to be Hay King. The world shines on Mose.

Dwight K. Schrute: My first love is beet farming, but it's a young man's game. Who ever heard of an old beet farmer?
Robert: Forget the beets. Concentrate on the hosting. I could spend a considerable amount of money having my birthday party here.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, really? Well, we have a number of birthday packages. The Pewter Package has the least amount of goats. It's not no goats, it's still 10-12 goats, depending on the availability of the goats. Now, the Goat Package obviously has the most goats. What were you thinking?
Robert: Of course, I am not interested in goats. Why would you spend so much time going over the goats with me?
Dwight K. Schrute: [whispering:] I can get you exotic meats: hippo steaks, giraffe burgers...
Robert: We'll talk. [walks away]
Dwight K. Schrute: [looking at camera:] It'll all be goat.

Dwight K. Schrute: Congratulations on choosing Schrute Farms for your wedding.
Andy: No, we haven't decided on anything yet. We're still reviewing some options, and it's gonna come down to the numbers.
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, then, why don't you look over some of our materials? While I describe to you the Excalibur package. In addition to the breathtaking natural beauty and smell of Schrute Farms, I can promise you that our grounds can be catered to fit your exact specifications. I will work tirelessly for you over the coming months, and be at your constant disposal. Please feel free to call or stop by any time of the day or night.
Andy: That's very generous.
Dwight K. Schrute: Well you, my good friend, have nothing more to worry about. This wedding is officially out of your hands.
Andy: Oh, thank the good lord. Deal! What are we talking, price wise?
Dwight K. Schrute: You already said deal.
Angela: Pay him whatever he wants.
Andy: Can't argue with that. Dwight, you're gonna make us so happy.