Dwight K. Schrute: Brain teaser. I have two coins, totaling 15 cents. One of them is not a nickel. What are they?
Ryan: A dime and a nickel.
Dwight K. Schrute: No. I said one of them is not a nickel.
Ryan: But the other one is. I've heard that before.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay. A man and his son get into a car accident. They are rushed to the hospital. The doctor says, "There is no way I can operate on this boy",
Ryan: "Because he's my son." The doctor is the boy's mother.
Dwight K. Schrute: A man is found hanging from the ceiling-
Ryan: He stepped on a block of ice, hung himself and the ice melted.
Dwight K. Schrute: A hunter-
Ryan: It's a polar bear, because you're at the North Pole.

Ryan: Wuphf is a site that I'm launching to be the last word in social networking. For just $12.99 a month, Wuphf links up all your communication portals so you are always within reach. It's part of the dog pack, as I call it. But, look, why tell you when I can show you. [types on his phone] I just sent myself a Wuphf. [fax machine starts printing, windows pop up on Ryan's computer with "woof" sounds]
Erin: [on phone] Ryan, you have a Wuphf on line 1.
Ryan: Thank you, Erin. Wuphf!

Ryan: I want an outsider.
Jim: Perfect. There are several outside candidates that we think would be really-
Ryan: No, I mean an outsider. Like someone on the margins of society, who doesn't see things the way we do, like a homeless person.
Pam: A homeless person. Really? A homeless person.
Ryan: No, you're right, Pam, let's just leave him to the welfare system and let that handle it.
Pam: No, I want you to say that you think the best person to be our new manager is a homeless person.
Ryan: Let me guess who you want, Pam. Rachael Ray? The ladies of The View?
[aside to camera:]
Ryan: I got away with everything under the last boss, and it wasn't good for me, at all. So, I want guidance. I want leadership. But don't just, like, boss me around, you know? Like, lead me. Lead me... when I'm in the mood... to be led.

Ryan: Last year, Creed asked me how to set up a blog. Wanting to protect the world from being exposed to Creed's brain, I opened up a Word document on his computer and put an address at the top. I've read some of it. Even for the Internet, it's pretty shocking.

Ryan: People keep calling me a "wunderkind." I don't even know what that means. I mean, I know what it means. It means very successful for your age. So I guess it makes sense, but It's a weird word.

Ryan: I'm in love with Kelly Kapoor. And I don't know how I'm gonna feel tomorrow or the next day or the day after that, but I do know that right here, right now, all I can think about is spending the rest of my life with her. Again, that could change.

Ryan: I've actually done a lot of market research and it actually turns out that southwestern Ohio is going to be the next Silicon Valley. They call it the Silicon Prairie. It's a big university town. And, uh, that's not garbage, it's my clothes.

Phyllis: Did the police solve the problem with the-
Ryan: Yes. Yes, they did. Yes, they did.
[to camera:]
Ryan: Yes, the social networking feature of the Dunder-Mifflin Infinity website was infiltrated by sexual predators.

Ryan: My mom makes the best pesto in the world. And I always tell her, "Mom, you should sell this, you'd make a fortune", and she always says, "No, it's just for family." Well, finally I was like [bleep] it, I'll sell it. So I'm like, "Mom, I need you to make a ton of pesto for a pesto party for all my friends", and she's like, "Uh, okay." Pesto party? Really? Anyway, she makes like a hundred bottles worth. It's so good. And Phyllis just had that mom look I wanted.

Ryan: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Pam: Okay fine. Ryan, something the matter?
Ryan: Smokey's dead.
Pam: Smokey, the bear?
Ryan: Smokey Robinson, Pam. He died like an hour ago, I guess I'm the first to know.
Jim: Wow. That's terrible, I really liked him.
Ryan: Oh you liked him? That's nice. Did you like when he changed the course of American music like two or three times? Did you like that "Tracks of My Tears" is maybe the last true love song ever written? I'm glad you liked him Jim. I am completely devastated right now.
Jim: Well, I second that emotion.
Ryan: Huh?