Robert: [answers phone] Yeah, hello?
Andy: You once put me on a list of the losers in the office. Well, this loser just got your biggest client to give him all their business. So hire me back, that business is yours. Don't, and I will find another buyer.
Robert: You're blackmailing me.
Andy: It's just business.
Robert: Ah. [chuckles] Well, I will not be blackmailed by some ineffectual, privileged, effete, soft-penised debutante. You wanna start a street fight with me, bring it on, but you're gonna be surprised by how ugly it gets. You don't even know my real name. I'm the [bleep] lizard king.

Toby: How will your experience selling refinery equipment translate to our smaller scale here?
Robert: You don't work in sales, do you?
Toby: Uh, human resources.
Robert: You see, I sit across from a man. I see his face. I see his eyes. Now, does it matter if he wants a hundred dollars of paper or a hundred million dollars of deep-sea drilling equipment? Don't be a fool. He wants respect. He wants love. He wants to be younger. He wants to be attractive. There is no such thing as a product. Don't ever think there is. There is only... sex. Everything... is sex. You understand that what I'm telling you is a universal truth... Toby?
Toby: Yes.

Robert: I never allow sexual desire to influence a business decision. So I find it best to recuse myself temporarily until I've had a chance to make love, and then go back and analyze the situation rationally. Buffett operates the same way.

Dwight K. Schrute: What makes you feel qualified to judge a place after a mere interview? [Robert stares at Dwight] What are you doing..? [Dwight sits up abruptly] Stop trying to figure me out.
Robert: I just did.
Dwight K. Schrute: You can't.
Robert: It's done.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, it's not.
Robert: I know you now. I know your nature. I'm done. Not worth continuing.
Dwight K. Schrute: You don't know me! Anything about me! Get out of my head! Stop trying to figure me out. Do you even know anything about paper? How it's made?
Robert: I saw an episode of how they make paper on Sesame Street.
Dwight K. Schrute: Get out.

Robert: When I was a boy, there was an empty house just up the hill from my family's. It was rumored a man committed suicide there after being possessed by the devil. One day, a young woman, Lydia, moved into the house with her infant child. That very night, Lydia was awakened by a loud, heinous hissing sound. [hisses] She walked to the nursery, and there, in baby's crib, was a snake wrapped around baby's neck, squeezing tighter and tighter.
Creed: Oh my goodness.
Robert: The crib was full of dirt. Baby struggled to free itself from underneath, reaching and clawing, gasping for air. Embalmed bodies rose from their sarcophagi, lurching toward baby. For they were mummies.
Kevin: No!
Robert: Amongst them was a man, tall, slim.
Meredith: Jim. [rolls eyes]
Robert: Almost instinctively, she turned to her husband. "Oh, wait," she thought, "I don't have a husband." For Lydia and her husband had had an argument, one they couldn't get past. Each night, they slept one inch farther apart, until one night, Lydia left. It was about this time she lost herself in imaginary worlds. She had quit the book club, the choir, citing something about their high expectations. Her lips slowly grew together from disuse. Every time she wanted to act and didn't, another part of her face hardened, until it was stone. And that fevered night, she rushed to the nursery, threw open the door, "Baby, are you okay?" Baby sat up slowly, turned to mother and said, "I'm fine, bitch. I'm fine."
Bert: [laughs]

Phyllis: So we're not gonna be a part of Sabre anymore?
David: Actually, nothing is gonna be a part of Sabre anymore. Jo Bennett's planning on liquidating the rest of the company.
Robert: Oof! [laughs] Wouldn't wanna be a Sabre employee right about now. [laughs] I'm actually the CEO.
David: Ah, I didn't realize you were standing there.
Robert: Hey, my friend, trust me. This is for the best. I never understood that corporate mess.
David: Well, okay. Great to meet you.
Robert: Likewise, I'm Bob. Bob Kazamakis.

Robert: Shaping a company is, in a sense, similar to training a geisha. You have to mold not merely the physical form, but also the character. The two must harmonize. Are they still there? [camera pans to Harry, Dwight and Jim looking at Robert] They want a decision who gets the big client. Well, they can wait. I'll still be talking about geishas long past their bedtime. You know, I trained as one.

Robert: I'll say a few words if that's alright with you, Andy.
Andy: Yeah, yeah.
Robert: You people say I led you, but it wasn't me. You want to toast the man who led you to success, but the boss is irrelevant. Andy and I, we produce nothing. We do nothing. We sit in our offices and demand, I want this and that right now, like petulant children. You know, the difference between a crying baby and a manager? One day, the baby will grow up. But, without you, Andy and I would be sitting in our dirty diapers, waiting for someone to change us, wipe us. I should be toasting you, thanking you, for allowing me to have the easiest job in the universe. Cheers.

Robert: My point is, there is one person in charge of every office in America, and that person is Charles Darwin. In the end, doesn't he decide who the manager is?

Robert: Fear plays an interesting role in our lives. How dare we let it motivate us. How dare we let it into our decision making, into our livelihoods, into our relationships. It's funny, isn't it, we take a day a year to dress up in costume and celebrate fear.