The Office - Dwight K. Schrute Quote #963
Dwight K. Schrute: Let me tell you why I should be the next manager with a riddle: A manager, a salesman, a leader and a warrior walk into a restaurant. The hostess says, "Table for one?" How is this possible?
Robert: You were dining alone? All those people are you?
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes, exactly.
Quote from Dwight K. Schrute
Dwight K. Schrute: Animals, machines, vast virtual armies. All of these things I have successfully managed. The only thing I haven't managed is people. I saw an ad on the Sabre website for an open manager position in their printers division. I spoke to Robert California about it and he said for me to come by and see him sometime. So, like a Spanish conquistador, I have come to Florida to claim what is rightfully mine.
Quote from Gabe
Gabe: Corporate says to me, "Gabe, we need you in Scranton." Scranton says, "Gabe, go back down to Florida. You're needed there." So, Tuesdays and Thursdays, I'm up there. Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, I'm down here. I can think of no better way to confront my deathly fear of flying.
Quote from Kevin
Host: Final round. Last two teams squaring off. I hope you're ready to play doctor. Our question is about health and the human body.
Andy: Oh, come on!
Host: The standard American analog scale has a maximum capacity of what weight? [bell rings]
Kevin: Three hundred pounds!
Host: Point for the Einsteins. [applause] Here's your final question. Cinephiles, put on your memory berets: This 2001 masterpiece from Gilles Paquet-Brenner explores the intricate dynamics of a family in disarray.
Oscar: [rings bell, answers in French] Le titre du film est Le Scaphandre et le Papillon.
Oscar's friend: Yes!
Host: I'm sorry, no. Over to the Einsteins.
Kevin: [rings bell] Les Jolies Choses.
Meredith: Are you sure?
Kevin: Marion Cotillard exposes herself a number of times in that film.
Host: The Einsteins win it!
Oscar: No! Come on!
[aside to camera:]
Kevin: Look, I know it's easy to say tonight was just a fluke, and maybe it was, but here's a piece of trivia: a fluke is one of the most common fish in the sea. So if you go fishing for a fluke, chances are, you just might catch one.
Quote from Dwight Christmas
Dwight K. Schrute: In a head-to-head contest, people prefer Belsnickel over Santa every time. There aren't as many songs about him, but I attribute that more to rhyming difficulties. My brother and I wrote one once. It was about a fickle pickle salesman who would tickle you for a nickel.
Quote from Special Project
Dwight K. Schrute: The Shrutes have a word for when everything comes together in a man's life perfectly: Perfectinschlag. Hmm. Right now, I am in it. I finally get a chance to prove myself to corporate, I am assembling a competent team, I am likely a father, I am so deep inside of perfectinschlag right now. And just to be clear, there is a second definition, "perfect pork anus" which I don't mean.
Quote from The Farm
Erin: Dwight, what a ridiculous, fancy clown you are.
Dwight K. Schrute: I am dressed according to the Schrute codes of mourning. My aunt Shirley has died.
Pam: Oh, Dwight. I'm so sorry. Were you guys close?
Dwight K. Schrute: I would say that she raised me, but let's not kid each other. I raised myself. She was, however, the closest thing I had to a mother.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: My actual mother was very cold and distant. I'd say she was the closest thing I had to an aunt.