Dwight K. Schrute: Brain teaser. I have two coins, totaling 15 cents. One of them is not a nickel. What are they?
Ryan: A dime and a nickel.
Dwight K. Schrute: No. I said one of them is not a nickel.
Ryan: But the other one is. I've heard that before.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay. A man and his son get into a car accident. They are rushed to the hospital. The doctor says, "There is no way I can operate on this boy",
Ryan: "Because he's my son." The doctor is the boy's mother.
Dwight K. Schrute: A man is found hanging from the ceiling-
Ryan: He stepped on a block of ice, hung himself and the ice melted.
Dwight K. Schrute: A hunter-
Ryan: It's a polar bear, because you're at the North Pole.

Stanley: I wake up every morning in a bed that's too small, drive my daughter to a school that's too expensive.
And then I go to work to a job for which I get paid too little. But, on pretzel day... Well, I like pretzel day.

Dwight K. Schrute: And just as you have planted your seed in the ground, I am going to plant my seed in you.
Ryan: I don't think you know what you're saying.