Dwight K. Schrute: Actually, I do own property. My grandfather left me a 60 acre working beet farm. I run it with my cousin Mose. We sell beets to local stores and restaurants. It's a nice little farm. Sometimes teenagers use it for sex.

Dwight K. Schrute: I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable. Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doing a goat. Couple of pigs watching. Whoever drew this got it exactly right.

Dwight K. Schrute: Voodoo Mama Juju, explain your dalliance with the Dark Arts.
Angela: It's not my fault, I was exposed to Harry Potter.
Dwight K. Schrute: I know you did it!
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: I know she didn't do it. It's never the person you most suspect. It's also never the person you least suspect, since anyone with half a brain would suspect them the most. Therefore I know the killer to be Phyllis, a.k.a. Beatrix Bourbon, the person I most medium suspect.

Michael Scott: [on cell phone] What? Oh my God! [everyone starts asking questions] There has been a murder. There's been a murder in Savannah.
[aside to camera:]
Michael Scott: Games have the power to distract people from stressful situations. Battleship got me through my parents' divorce. Operation got me through my vasectomy, i.e., my operation. I don't think I would have been able to endure my breakup with Holly had it not been for Toss Across.

Dwight K. Schrute: How can I pose this to you in a relatable way? You are all members of the Yakuza and you happen to be visiting the Lackawanna trolley museum and you are attacked by triads. How can you hold them off until your clan arrives? You cannot go wrong with a throat punch.
Jim: Okay, so there's no defense for that, good to know.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, there is a defense for that. Let me demonstrate. Someone attack me. Kevin, go!
Kevin: No way. Last time you pulled my pants down and then you tried to choke me with my shoelace.
Dwight K. Schrute: False. I did choke you with your shoelace. Now come at me!
Jim: Okay, with all due respect to everyone here, I think the most worthy opponent of you is you.
Dwight K. Schrute: That is correct. Unless there happened to be measles present.