Michael Scott: I've, er, I've been at Dunder Mifflin for 12 years, the last four as Regional Manager. If you want to come through here, we have the entire floor. So this is my kingdom, as far as the eye can see.

Michael Scott: Corporate doesn't interfere with me. Jan Levitson Gould. I call her Hillary Rodham Clinton. Right? Not to her face, because- Well, not because I'm scared of her. 'cause I'm not. But, um, yeah.

Dwight K. Schrute: It's okay here, but people sometimes take advantage because it's so relaxed. I'm a volunteer Sheriff's Deputy on the weekends. And you cannot screw around there. That's sort of one of the rules.

Michael Scott: No, no. Do not take it out. You have to eat it out, because there are starving people in the world which I hate, and it is a waste of that kind of food.

Michael Scott: All right, here's the deal you guys. The thing about a practical joke is you have to know when to start and as well as when to stop.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah.
Michael Scott: And yeah, Jim this is the time to stop putting Dwight's personal effects into Jell-O.
Jim: Okay. Dwight, I'm sorry, because I have always been your biggest flan.
Michael Scott: [laughing] Nice. That's the way it is around here. It just kind of goes round and round.
Ryan: You should've put him in custardy.
Michael Scott: Hey! Yes! New guy! He scores.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, that's great. I guess what I'm most concerned with is damage to company property. That's all.
Michael Scott: Pudding. Pudding... I'm trying to think of another dessert to do.

Michael Scott: As you know, there is going to be downsizing. And you have made my life so much easier in that I am going to have to let you go first.
Pam: What? Why?
Michael Scott: Why? Well, theft and stealing.
Pam: Stealing? Um, what am I supposed to have stolen?
Michael Scott: Post-it Notes.
Pam: Post-it Notes? What are those worth, like, 50 cents?
Michael Scott: 50 cents. Yeah. If you steal a thousand Post-it Notes at 50 cents a piece, you know, you've made a profit... margin. You're gonna run us out of business, Pam.
Pam: Are you serious?
Michael Scott: Yeah. I am.
Pam: I can't believe this. I mean, I have never even stolen as much as a paperclip and now you're firing me.
Michael Scott: The best thing about it is that we're not going to have to give you any severance pay. Because that is gross misconduct. And, uh, just clean out your desk. I'm sorry.
[Pam starts sobbing]
Michael Scott: You been X'd, punk! Surprise! It's a joke. We were joking around. See? OK. He was in on it. He was my accomplice. [Ryan shakes his head] And it was just kind of a morale booster thing. And we were showing the new guy around, giving him the feel of the place. So you- God, we totally got you.
Pam: You're a jerk.
Michael Scott: I don't know about that.

Michael Scott: Todd Packer, terrific rep. Do you mind if I take it?
Jan: Go ahead.
Michael Scott: Packman.
Todd: [on the phone] Hey, you big queen.
Michael Scott: Oh. That's not appropriate.
Todd: Is old Godzillary coming in today?
Michael Scott: I, uh- I don't know what you mean.
Todd: I've been meaning to ask her one question. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Michael Scott: Oh, my God! Oh! That's horrifying. Horrible. Horrible person.

Michael Scott: This is our receptionist, Pam. Pam! Pam-Pam! Pam Beasley. Pam has been with us for forever. Right, Pam?
Pam: Well, I don't know.
Michael Scott: If you think she's cute now, you should have seen her a couple of years ago.
Pam: What?

Michael Scott: Pam, this is from Corporate. How many times have I told you? There's a special filing cabinet.
Pam: You haven't told me.
Michael Scott: It's called the wastepaper basket! [laughs] Look at that. Look at that face.

Michael Scott: People say I am the best boss. They go, "God, we've never worked in a place like this before. You're hilarious. And you get the best out of us." Um, I think that pretty much sums it up. [holding up "World's Best Boss" coffee mug] I found it at Spencer Gifts.