Michael Scott: Woo! Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome. You are all jerks. Just kidding, not yet anyway. Welcome to the roast of Mr. Michael Scott. If you're here for the Grabowski wedding, it is the second door on the left. So, we all know how these work. Needs to get crazy. Take your best shot. I am going to sit right here on my chair and, uh, whoever wants to come up and roast me, you may. [Angela gets up on stage] Okay, lower the mic for the midget.

Michael Scott: Okay. We don't have much time. Just act normal. Don't look at me. Stop. Don't look down. He's gonna see me. Not all the way up. Keep 'em at a normal height, OK? This is not Michael Scott talking right now. This is your future. Hello, I am your future. You are older and you are very happy now because you went with Michael Scott, right? So everybody, come on down, and let's just crawl out of here together. All right? Come on. Are you doing your best here? Are you being the best that you can be? Everybody who's gonna go with me, I want you to stomp your foot. Okay. All right. Come on. You're coming with me. Come on, Phyllis. Here we go. Here we go.

Michael Scott: Time to make the donuts! Boner patrol! Arrest that man! Your donuts make me go nuts!

Michael Scott: Okay. Pam, pros.
Jim: Mm-hmm.
Michael Scott: I like her. I think that she is a fast learner. Cons, she doesn't always follow through. Sh- New York and the whole art school thing. And Roy. She has a weird voice.
Jim: That's not true.
Michael Scott: I don't need to tell you that.
Jim: I think she'd be a really good salesperson.
Michael Scott: I don't think you are being totally impartial though, because you haven't said one bad thing about Pam.
Jim: And I won't.
Michael Scott: Okay. So be it, then you've lost credibility. And I'm going to go with my guy, and that's Ryan.
Jim: All right. You're right, sometimes when she's tired, she can be a little bit shrill. But that's not a weird voice.
Michael Scott: Oh, wow! Whoa!
Jim: Take it easy.
Michael Scott: Ho-ho, man! Wow. [in a high-pitched voice] Honey! I want you to bring the garbage out. 'Cause I'm not going to have sex with you unless you bring out the garbage.

Michael Scott: You stupid son of a bitch. You set me up.
Maurie: What are you talking about?
Michael Scott: Stanley's wife is out of town.
Maurie: He was with somebody.
Eric: He was definitely with somebody.
Michael Scott: Oh, was he? Well who, his sister?
Eric: [chuckles]
Michael Scott: I don't get it!
Eric: If that was his sister, then what they were doing was totally illegal.
Michael Scott: Drugs?
Eric: Making out.
Michael Scott: [stuttering] Mmm... okay. Uhh... hmm... okay. Never mind. Carry on.

Michael Scott: [on the phone] Well, if he doesn't like it, you can tell that S.O.B. that he is fired. Sorry, I'm going into a meeting right now. I will. I love you too. Bye.
Jim: Who was that?
Michael Scott: Sorry about that. What'd I miss?
David: Michael, we would like to continue the rest of this meeting in private, please, if you don't mind.
Michael Scott: I do not mind. Yes, I do. No, I don't. Yes, I do. No, I don't mind. Catch you guys on the flippity-flop. Oh, this. This call waiting. [answering phone] Yeah, well you tell the mayor he just lost six votes.

Michael Scott: And then I think I'm going to go to the Garlic Festival.
Jim: Wow.
Michael Scott: Sounds like fun. You guys would love it.
Jim: I bet we would.
Michael Scott: They have a TCBY booth.
Jim: Cool.
Michael Scott: The same stuff you get downtown.
Jim: Mmm-hmm.
Michael Scott: Do you like TCBY?
Jim: Who doesn't?
Michael Scott: I can't believe it's- I can't believe it's yogurt. Uh... it'll be fun.

Michael Scott: Jim's a good kid. He can handle a lot but sometimes you have to call in a master. I, uh... Why would you date an amateur when you could date a professional?

Michael Scott: [answering phone] Yeah?
Erin: Michael, people are asking questions.
Michael Scott: Okay. Put them on speaker. Hey guys, what's going on?
Phyllis: Hey, Michael, did you you fall into a Koi pond?
Michael Scott: Uh... I can't really hear you. I think we have sort of a bad connection.
Oscar: Jim, did Michael fall into a Koi pond?
Jim: Mmm. It's like Michael said. It was some- Something else.

Creed: Hey, boss, did you find Nemo?
Michael Scott: I can name Pixar movies, too. Toy Story.
Oscar: Don't you mean 'Koi Story'?
Phyllis: And when you fell in, did you flounder?
Dwight K. Schrute: Michael, flounder is both a kind of fish and-
Michael Scott: I know what a flounder is.
Toby: Hey, Michael.
Michael Scott: No! No more! That is it! Everyone in the conference room right now.