Michael Scott: I suppose summer had to end sometime. It's sad, though, because I had a great summer. I got West Nile virus, lost a ton of weight. Then I went back to the lake. I stepped on a piece of glass in the parking lot, which hurt. That got infected even though I peed on it. Saw Inception. Or at least I dreamt I did.

Michael Scott: My life! Oh, my life!
Dwight K. Schrute: [through a megaphone] Michael, what's wrong?
Michael Scott: Everything's wrong. The stress of my modern office has caused me to go into a depression!
Dwight K. Schrute: Depression? Isn't that just a fancy word for feeling bummed out?
Michael Scott: Dwight, you ignorant slut. Depression is a very serious illness. Over 32,000 people commit suicide every year according to a 2004 study.
Dwight K. Schrute: Is that the last year the data was available?
Michael Scott: Yes. My head is in such pain and turmoil.

Michael Scott: I declare bankruptcy!

Michael Scott: I miss the old Dunder Mifflin. Too much change is not a good thing. Ask the climate.

Michael Scott: I am a good person, and sometimes good people don't get no respect. Rodney Dangerfield. [as Rodney Dangerfield] Hey, I don't get no respect. No respect at all. When I was in the sandbox as a kid, I got no respect. My wife likes to talk after sex. So she called me from a hotel room, said, "I don't respect you." Thoughtless. Ah, you know what don't get no respect? Airplane food. Why don't they just make the plane out of the airline food? [as Andy Kaufman] My wife don't get no respect. Someone take her, please, for example. [as Jeff Foxworthy] If you don't get no respect, you might be a redneck. [as Borat] Respect is nice. Borat. [as Jerry Seinfeld] What's the deal with grape nuts? No grapes, no nuts. [as Rodney Dangerfield] I don't get no respect.

Michael Scott: Maybe the Michael Scott Paper Company was a huge mistake. I should leave. I should go, and start my own paper company. That'll show 'em.

Michael Scott: And if I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.
All: No. No.
Jim: That's... not okay.
Michael Scott: Okay, alright.
Dwight K. Schrute: You were being really funny, and then you went too far.
Michael Scott: I would kill Bin Laden and then Toby.

Michael Scott: [crying] I feel like all my kids grew up and then they married each other. It's every parent's dream.

Jim: Either way, Dwight, I can't be there for you. I'm sorry.
Dwight K. Schrute: Jim.
Jim: I just really wish there was something I could do. [looks off into the distance]
Dwight K. Schrute: [turns around] Michael. I can't believe you came.
Michael Scott: That's what she said.
Jim: [to camera] Best prank ever.

Michael Scott: Why can't boys play with dolls? Why does society force us to use urinals, when sitting down is far more comfortable?