Robert: And why is Blackrock suddenly the paragon by which all hedge funds must now be compared?
Kevin: I don't know.
Robert: Right. I mean you're an accountant. Those bogus prospectuses must drive you insane.
Kevin: Yes, I am an accountant.

Archivist: There you go.
Narrator: [on video] Families and sweethearts back home waited desperately for letters from the front.
Soldier: [on video] Dearest mother I'm sorry it has been so long since my last letter. It is three months since I arrived at Schrute Farms and I fear I may never leave this place alive. Melvin Fifer Garris.
Dwight K. Schrute: Hallowed ground.
Narrator: [on video] But the Battle at Schrute Farms was no battle at all. It was a code used by pacifists from both North and South who turned the Pennsylvania farmhouse into an artistic community and a refuge from the war.
Amanda: [on video] You have to understand. Poets, artists, dancers, these kind of men preferred peace to war. These delicate lovely men found a place of refuge among the Schrutes at Schrute Farms. Amidst the macho brutality of war this was a place where dandies and dreamers could put on plays and sing tender ballads and dance in the moonlight. I like to think of Schrute Farms as the Underground Railroad for the sensitive... and well... fabulous.
Oscar: Wow. This is so much better than the story you made up.
Dwight K. Schrute: I've seen enough.
Oscar: You're right. There should be a monument to this.

Jim: Andy, this whole idea of our situation being just like war? It's just not true. We just work at a paper company. And you're our regional manager. And guess what man? You don't have to prove anything. We like you as regional manager. And if you don't believe me take a look at what's on my head. I'm wearing a very pink hat. I've been getting weird looks all day because I'm pretty sure "DM does GB" means something kinda sexual. But guess who's wearing them? All of us. Just for you man. That's huge.

Andy: The world will little note, nor long remember the fight Jim and I had here at Gettysburg and that's good because I was basically wrong. I wanted my team to be, like, this army and I was their general. But I guess it's really more like they're just people who work in an office and I'm their manager. Yeah, that's really probably a better analogy now that I think about it.

Phyllis: I don't think I should walk anymore. You know all I had for breakfast was oatmeal, yogurt, coffee, orange juice and toast. Two poached eggs. And then half a sandwich on the bus. I can't.

Gabe: The Sabre Code of Conduct outlines the governing principles key to establishing and maintaining trust with our employees, clients-
Kelly: Oh my God, kill me!
Andy: Hey! All right, obviously we all want to die but we have to get through this. So, Gabe go ahead. It's okay.
Gabe: Oh, is it okay with you? Because if it's not, you work for me, so...

Andy: [on the phone] What?! They took another client from us? Okay, bye. Man! Business is war! Customers, clients... It's like a war out there.
[aside to camera:]
Andy: I am a leader. But you can only inspire people so much in a place like this. So today I'm turning the inspire-factor up to ten with a little help from my friend America's bloodiest battle.

Andy: After Chancellorsville, Lee brought his army up the Shenandoah Valley, right through here! They stopped in this field for a picnic, which they called lunch.
Erin: [to Dwight] Yeah, but I'm confused...
Dwight K. Schrute: Total deaths belongs to Gettysburg but when you're talking about D.P.A., that's deaths per acre...
Erin: Mm-hmm.
Dwight K. Schrute: ...nothing beats the battle of Schrute Farms.
Erin: Oh. D.P.A. sounds way more important that total deaths.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, it is. And you should read some of these letters that the soldiers wrote home. I mean, it makes the battle of Gettysburg sound like a bunch of schoolgirls wrestling over a hairbrush. [laughs] I'm telling you, they're heartbreaking too. So beautifully written.

Oscar: Dwight, what are you telling this girl?
Dwight K. Schrute: The truth.
Oscar: Stop filling her head with nonsense, okay? She doesn't know any better.
Erin: Oscar, I am so glad you just got here. I would've believed everything he said.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, no, no! You're filling her head with nonsense. You and the history books. I'm telling the truth.
Erin: Interesting.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes, thank you. All of history has been whitewashed.
Oscar: Really? Why don't you tell us the real history, Gore Vidal?
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, I will. I don't know who that is, but I'm gonna tell you this-
Oscar: He's a historian.
Dwight K. Schrute: Gettysburg was very important. Credit where credit is due, okay? Big, mad props to Gettysburg. Was it, however, the most northern battle of the civil war?
Oscar: Yes, yes, yes!
Dwight K. Schrute: Not by a long shot!
Erin: No!
Oscar: Yes!
Dwight K. Schrute: No, it was not!
Oscar: Argh!
Dwight K. Schrute: No, it was not. Was it the second-most northern?
Oscar: What?
Dwight K. Schrute: Sure! I will cede it was the second-most northernmost battle!
Oscar: Erin-
Dwight K. Schrute: Was it the northernmost? No. Get out of here, Oscar.
Erin: Get out of here!

Darryl: That's fascinating. Tell me, what's the significance of the peach orchard, thought?
Park Ranger: Oh, well, that's a great question. Actually some of the most-
Dwight K. Schrute: Excuse me, I got a question for you.
Park Ranger: Sure.
Dwight K. Schrute: Can you tell us about the battle of Schrute Farms?
Park Ranger: Uh, I haven't heard of that one.
Dwight K. Schrute: Really? Okay, follow-up question. How much are they paying you to keep your mouth shut?
Oscar: I apologize for my friend and for the Republicans who are cutting your funding.