Gabe: Hey. I need you to get the paperwork rolling on a new workplace relationship.
Toby: For you?
Gabe: Yes. For Gabe.
Toby: Who are you seeing? That's gr-
Gabe: Whom I'm seeing is Val from down in the warehouse.
Toby: Oh.
Gabe: I'm not technically seeing her, but uh I've seen her, with the eyes and, uh, there was attraction. In at least one direction. So...
Toby: You know, I don't have to do the paperwork unless you're actually dating.
Gabe: Okay, but once this starts, it's going to be moving fast. It's going to be hot and heavy, and I don't want a bunch of bureaucratic red tape wrapped around my jock. You know?
Toby: But I mean, uh, have you talked to her?
Gabe: Yeah we had a whole conversation about Mondays.
Toby: Do you know her last name, yet?
Gabe: Toby, I'm going to tell you her last name tomorrow because she's going to be screaming it tonight.
Toby: She's going to be screaming her own last name?
Gabe: Hey! Watch it.
Toby: Good luck, Gabe.

Gabe: "Darn it Bob. I told you not to buy a Sabre brand lifeboat." [laughter]
Kevin: Nice!
Gabe: No, not nice. Terrible. Doesn't even include the fact that they're dogs.
Andy: Do the next one.
Gabe: "Wake up, Fred. The power cord on your Sabre printer shocked you into a coma, and you're dreaming you're a dog on a desert island."
Darryl: Dreaming he's a dog on a island.
Gabe: Uh, excuse me, excuse me. How does the speaker know what the guy in the coma is dreaming?
Phyllis: Well, if you think it's so easy, Gabe, why don't you try it?
Gabe: Umm... "You don't have to sniff my rear end anymore, Bob, I'm the only one here." Ha.
Oscar: That's tasteless, Gabe.
Gabe: Tasteless?
Oscar: Tasteless.
Gabe: More tasteless than this..."is that a palm tree or did Gabe get skinnier? Either way, let's pee on it." [laughter]
Pam: Ladies and gentlemen, I think we have a winner.

Gabe: In case you can't read m-m-my Poker Face... [laughs] we will be reviewing our sales policies.

Gabe: Okay. So, PDAs. That's gonna include behaviors such as hugging, kissing, uh...
Kevin: Booby honking.
Gabe: Yeah, booby honking. Sure.
Kevin: Butt honking.
Gabe: Butt honking. Yeah, all the honking.
Creed: The one where you start in a crouched position, then you leap...
Gabe: Sure. Basically, there's no precise definition, but you know it when you see it.

Jim: Uh oh, this former administrative assistant misspelled "administrative" and "assistant."
Darryl: The winner: Under special skills, Mr. Don Feiner put juggling. [laughter]
Deangelo: What's wrong with juggling, Darryl? I'm a big juggler. I actually perform a motivational juggling routine.
Jim: Seriously?
Deangelo: Oh yeah. I'd do it for you here, but uh, what would you say this room is, 300 square feet? 320?
Gabe: 320. Just freeballin' it.
Deangelo: It's a little cramped. How many square feet out there? 17, 18 hundo?
Kevin: Oh, I think it's 18 hundo.
Gabe: Give or take.

Gabe: Gotta catch a plane.
Pam: Oh, hey Gabe, I'm sorry, we... We didn't get you a cake or anything. We're gonna miss you.
Gabe: Oh, well I'm still the corporate liaison to the branch.
Kelly: You are not leaving without giving me a hug. [hugs Gabe] Ugh.
Gabe: Okay, you know what, you don't need to make that sound.
Kelly: I'm sorry! You were just a lot bonier than I thought you were gonna be!
Gabe: There are plenty of people who love touching me. I'm a terrific hugger. I've been with a bunch of girls where that's basically all they want to do. I will see you all soon.

Toby: It's going to be nice to have just a healthy, young, fit presence in the middle of the office.
Oscar: Yeah, aesthetically speaking she adds a nice presence.
Pam: Yeah. It's going to be good to have someone hot at Pam's desk, huh?
Oscar: No, no. Not even.
Pam: I'm kidding! Oh my gosh you guys! She's obviously super cute I get it. But I'd like to point out there's 50 pounds more of me to love if that's your thing.
Oscar: Pam you look more beautiful now than ever.
Toby: Radiant.
Pam: Thank you, guys. Really you guys thank you. Very sweet.
Phyllis: Yeah, you have this sexy glow.
Gabe: It's one of the most common fetishes.

Gabe: The beginning here has been a little bit of a fiasco. Either they don't respect me or they respect me too much. And some of them still think that I'm the I.T. guy. This Cookie Monster thing is an opportunity to show people that I'm an authority figure. [nervous silence]

Gabe: [to camera] Yes, Erin and I are still dating. Why do you ask me so often if we're still dating?

Gabe: I should probably get involved in this, but I think my energy is better spent on the Cookie Monster issue.