Nellie: Tonight could be the night that Darryl and I go from casual work friends to actual good friends. The only thing standing in our way is the contempt he seems to feel for me.

Kevin: Creed, I just bid twenty dollars on six Jujitsu lessons. No one's raping this guy!
Creed: Well, I don't want to get raped. [picks up clipboard] Twenty-Two!
Kevin: No, it was my idea to not be raped.
Dwight K. Schrute: Wait, you think Jujitsu classes cost $22. If you're going to guess the price, you might as well try to be halfway accurate. $180!
Kevin: Whoa, Dwight, I don't think you understand.
Dwight K. Schrute: You guess the price, you win the prize. Have you never been to a Quaker fair before? God!

Jim: Okay guys, not every glance means something, alright? Life isn't Downton Abbey.
Pam: Life is Downton Abbey.

Oscar: No. I'm certainly not disappointed that Angela's husband wasn't hitting on me. I'd have to be a monster to root for that. A lonely, aging monster.

Speaker: The winner of the three day trip to the sky top lodge is Dwight Schrute. [applause]
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes! Thank you!
Speaker: The yearlong membership to Scraton Bikram Yoga is Dwight Schrute. [applause]
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, yes! Yeah!
Speaker: A one hour appointment with the kissing magician goes to Dwight Schrute. [applause]
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, oh, oh, oh! Yeah! Ha, ha!
Speaker: Well, I think I can save us some time, Dwight Schrute has won every single item here.
Dwight K. Schrute: Thank you very much. All I had to do was look at the prices, idiots! Suck it!
Speaker: Well, Dwight, yes. You certainly are a record breaker! Your donation is the largest we've ever received at over 34 thousand dollars. [applause]
Jim: Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech!
Dwight K. Schrute: Thank you. Wow, I can't tell you what an honor it is to support this thing. And obviously that amount of money is no concern to me whatsoever. But, I want to ask you something: When did it become all about the money? When did it become about the flower arrangements and the white wine spritzers, hmm? And all the dinner rolls? You people should be ashamed of yourselves! How many courses did we have tonight? Two? Three, maybe, if you choose the pudding? I mean what waste! These tables tarted up like Victorian whores! Let's remember we are all here for the Dog Society. He's what's important, whatever his name is. Not any of this. So that is going to be my donation to you. Thank you and good night! [throws microphone, runs away]

Andy: This is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me
Pam: Absolutely, it's awesome-
Jim: Yes-
Kevin: I'm sorry, are you guys nuts? He's not doing great! He was fired! This is terrible! This is literally the worst thing that has ever happened to you, not the best.
Andy: You're right. he's right, I am a mess. This whole night I've been trying to convince you guys that I'm fine. I guess I thought that if I could convince you that I'm fine, maybe...
Vet: Maybe you would think it too. I'm sorry, it's just I don't get to be in a lot of human conversations, so...

Oscar: This is interesting.
Pam: Hm-hmm.
Jim: What is interesting? I just proved that he gives his cell out to everybody.
Pam: Or you proved that he thinks you're gay.
Oscar: He does not think Jim's gay. A gay man would not leave the house wearing those shoes.
Pam: Well, a gay man wouldn't leave the store wearing those shoes.
Jim: Oh, hey, you bought me those shoes.

Angela: My husband is sponsoring a fundraiser tonight for local dog shelters. Robert California bought two tables for everyone here. These people were lucky to get seats because it is going to be a who's who of the northern 22nd district.

Pam: Dwight, I don't think he's going to hurt anybody.
Phyllis: How do you? I mean, why do you think he's there?
Dwight K. Schrute: I don't even know what kind of weapon he has. Could be a knife, could be a gun. Could be a series of guns all lined up to shoot parallel. I'm going up to the roof. I'm gonna bring my gym bag just in case.

Andy: Hey!
Erin: Hey, just wanted to say hi and hear you say everything is normal. Maybe video tape you saying that so that everyone upstairs can see.
Angela: We think you might kill Robert.
Andy: What?
Kevin: Because he fired you, which means apparently you're living in your car now.